


how to become a wildfire

by splendidlyimperfect



Series: i'm still standing [1]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Love, I promise, M/M, Natsu just wants to help, Non-Linear Narrative, Rape/Non-con Elements, Trans Character, Tumblr: FTLGBTales, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but Gray feels like he can't leave, ftlgbtpride2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-04-07 01:25:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 45,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19074658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splendidlyimperfect/pseuds/splendidlyimperfect
Summary: Gray hasn’t seen Natsu in years - not since he moved away with his boyfriend Joel and Natsu stopped texting him. A chance run-in at a bar brings Natsu back into Gray’s life, but the encounter puts Gray in danger when Joel finds out. Natsu quickly realizes that Gray's stuck in a cycle of violence, and wants to help him escape. But leaving isn't that easy, and sometimes loving someone might not be enough.





	1. escape

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Fairy Tail LGBTales "I Take Pride in What I Am" event.
> 
> CW for a physical/verbal/sexual/emotionally abusive relationship. Trigger warnings will be posted on individual chapters if necessary.
> 
> Find me on tumblr as [@splendidlyimperfect](https://splendidlyimperfect.tumblr.com/)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu helps Gray escape.

es·cape  \ i-ˈskāp  
transitive verb  
**:** to get free of  **:** break away from  
**.**

 **xvii**  
**november**

**.**

Gray can’t breathe.

He’s pressed up against the wall by the front door, so close – he could reach out and grab the handle and take off down the stairs. His phone is in his back pocket and he's checked his wallet a hundred times, making sure he has everything he needs so he doesn't have to come back. 

All he has to do is grab the handle, and he can’t.

There’s a quiet sound from the bedroom and Gray’s heart leaps. When a shadow appears at the bedroom door, terror starts to thrum down Gray's arms and through his chest, but then there's a jingle of dog tags and he realizes that it's just Bella.

Gray sighs in relief, crouching down as the Rottweiler lumbers over to him and demands to be petted. Gray’s hands shake as he runs his fingers through her fur, and she moves closer to him, settling on her haunches and whining.

“Shh,” Gray whispers, stroking the soft spot on the top of her nose. “I’m sorry, you can’t come. I’ll be—”

He cuts himself off as the realization hits him, hard in the chest. He won’t be back. At least, not if he can actually get up the courage to open the fucking door and start running.

Bella whines again and leans against Gray, and the tight, nervous energy in his chest relaxes a tiny bit as he kisses the top of her head. A part of him aches – he wants to take her, grab her leash from the hook behind the door and bring her with him, to...

Gray’s phone buzzes and he jumps, a wave of panic running through him as he bumps the coffee table. He quickly grabs the ashtray before it can hit the ground, but now Joel’s definitely moving in the bedroom.

Gray looks down at his phone.

 _i'm downstairs,_ the text reads. It’s Natsu. _do you need me to come up? or call 911?_

Gray can’t move – he's frozen to the ground, and what’s Joel going to do when he comes out to see Gray at the front door, fully dressed with his phone in his hand? The bedsheets rustle and a lamp turns on in the room, and Gray can’t reach the door handle fast enough.

Bella gives Gray one last headbutt, then trots off down the hall toward the bedroom. Gray can hear Joel’s low, sleepy voice murmuring to her, and then the lights go off again.

Gray claps his hand over his mouth to keep in a sob. He wants to take her with him so badly, but once again, she’s saved him, and this time he can’t waste it.

As quietly as possible, Gray pushes himself to his feet, then reaches for the doorknob and turns it. There’s a soft click, and then it’s closed behind him and he’s standing in the hallway of the apartment building, heart pounding in terror.

Gray runs. He ignores the elevator, dashing toward the stairs and taking them three at a time. Each door brings a new wave of fear, and he expects each of them to slam open, an angry face behind them.

By the time he makes it to the main floor, Gray can barely breathe. He can see Natsu’s beat-up car in the visitor stall, and Natsu’s standing beside it, looking from his phone up to the window of Joel and Gray’s apartment.

The space between the stairwell and the front door seems insurmountable, but Gray forces himself to move, forces himself not to look back as he pushes through both sets of doors and dashes across to Natsu’s car.

“Gray,” Natsu whispers, turning around and reaching out his arms. Gray’s about to let Natsu pull him into a hug when the revulsion kicks in – beer breath, heavy limbs, the pain Gray’s been ignoring. He turns and throws up into the bushes instead. He feels dirty – sticky and uncomfortable, like he needs to wash his hands again.

“Hey, you’re gonna be okay,” Natsu whispers, moving toward Gray but not touching him. “C’mon, we should go. You’re safe now, I promise.”

 _You can’t promise that,_ Gray thinks, but he’s so, so tired, and he can’t bring himself to argue.  

As they pull out of the parking lot, Gray keeps his eyes on Joel’s apartment window, waiting for the light or the shouting, or for Joel to come crashing out the front doors. Nothing happens and it’s almost worse because now Gray can’t stop thinking of Joel waking up without him.

Natsu’s fingers brush against Gray’s and Gray lets out a shaky breath, pulling his knees up to his chest and squeezing Natsu’s hand tightly. His chest hurts and his cheeks are hot and wet with tears, and he just wants it all to _end._

“It’s okay,” Natsu says, and Gray wants so badly to believe him, to have faith that he’s going to be okay. Instead he cries as Natsu whispers, “I’m not gonna let him hurt you again.”   


	2. catalyst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray's drunk and hasn't seen Natsu in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentions of sexual/physical abuse & drinking

catalyst \ ˈka-tə-ləst  
noun _  
_ **:** an agent that provokes or speeds significant change or action

**.**

**vi  
april **

**.**

“Ellie?”  

Gray freezes. He hasn’t heard that name in years, and he wonders if he pretends he didn’t hear it, whoever said it will go away. It’s wishful thinking, though, and soon there’s a hand on his elbow and a set of bright green eyes looking at him inquisitively.  

Oh, fuck.  

It’s Natsu.  

“God, sorry, you just looked like—” Natsu frowns at Gray, tipping his head to the side, and Gray can tell he’s searching for a girl he used to know. “It  _is_ you,” Natsu says after a minute, nearly spilling his drink when someone jostles him from behind.  

Gray catches him, grabbing his forearms to keep him from falling. The touch sends a shock thought him and the terrified part of his brain screams  _this is dangerous, Joel’s going to find out._  

“It’s, uh… it’s Gray, now,” he says, leaning back against the bar with his hands still resting awkwardly on Natsu’s forearms. Natsu blinks at him a few times, and Gray can tell that he’s definitely had a few drinks.  

“Oh,” Natsu says after a second. “That’s awesome, man, I—I didn’t… sorry, it’s just been so long.”  

It has been. Five years can be a lifetime.   

Gray finally lets go of Natsu’s arms and turns back to the bar, grabbing the shot the bartender has brought him and tossing it back quickly. It joins the rest of the liquor flowing through him, the hot buzz of electricity that’s pushing away the fear.  

Joel’s out of town. He doesn’t have to find out. He’s far away, and Gray needs this.  

“What are you doing here?” Gray asks, and he means  _here in Crocus,_ because as far as Gray knows, Natsu still lives on the other side of the country.  

Natsu grins and points over at a table of people Gray doesn’t recognize.  

“’s my friend’s bachelor party,” Natsu says, leaning in closer. He’s got those freckles across his nose that Gray could never keep his eyes off of, and Gray desperately wants to run his fingers across them.  

Gray looks at the group and back to Natsu, then down at his hands.  

He should go home.  

“Wanna join us?” Natsu asks.  

 

* * *

 

An hour later, Natsu’s got Gray pinned to the wall in the alley behind the club, hands tight around his wrists, lips pressed to his neck. Gray’s fingers are twisted in Natsu’s hair, and he’s making soft sounds as Natsu grinds against his thigh.  

There’s a voice in the back of Gray’s brain that’s screaming  _get away, he could hurt you,_ but it’s drunk and deadened and he just wants to fucking  _feel_ something.  

 _Look, Joel,_ he thinks. _I can destroy myself just fine without you._  

“You sure your… nnhnn, your friends aren’t gonna miss you?” Gray asks, gasping as Natsu drags sharp teeth down his neck. Natsu shakes his head.  

“They’re not gonna remember tonight anyway,” he says against Gray’s skin. “But I wanna remember you.”  

Gray closes his eyes and it’s like they’re sixteen again, except Gray’s wearing a dress and his name is Ellie and they’re in the back seat of the car Natsu borrowed from his dad. The sun is bright and hot and Natsu’s kissing Gray’s cheeks and slipping a hand between his legs.  

The memory is ripped away when Natsu grabs Gray’s hip and Gray hisses in pain.  

“Shit, sorry, I didn’t…” Natsu jerks back but Gray shakes his head, then grabs Natsu and switches positions, shoving him roughly against the wall.  

“’s fine,” Gray says. He puts Natsu’s hand back over the bruises on his hip, squeezing it tightly until it hurts more than the ache in his chest.  

Gray’s head is spinning as he kisses Natsu, hard, then drags his hand down to the front of Natsu’s jeans. Natsu moans, biting down on Gray’s lip and grinding up into his palm. When Gray starts unbuckling his belt Natsu’s legs shake, and Gray hoards the feeling for later.  

Right now, he’s powerful. 

Right now, nobody can hurt him but himself.  

 

* * *

 

They end up back at Natsu’s hotel room, barely separating from each other as Natsu slides his card into the lock and pushes the door open. Gray pushes Natsu down onto the bed and they both scramble to tug off their clothes and toss them to the floor.  

“Fuck, you’re hot,” Natsu whispers, and he reaches for the bedside lamp but Gray shakes his head, moving up and pinning Natsu's wrist to the bed. There’s a thin sliver of moonlight spilling through the window that highlights Natsu’s wide eyes, and that’s enough.  

Gray kisses Natsu, settling himself over Natsu’s hips. Natsu’s cock is hard against Gray and he grinds down, dragging sinful sounds from Natsu’s lips. “You have a condom?”  

Natsu groans and pushes his hips up against Gray, and Gray can feel him nodding and gesturing to the bedside table. As Gray leans over, Natsu pushes himself up on his elbow and kisses Gray’s stomach.  

“You sure?” he asks, running his fingers up Gray’s back. “We can just make out, it’s okay, it’s been...” Gray stills, focusing on the sensation of Natsu’s fingertips against his skin. “C’mere.”  

Gray doesn’t realize he’s shaking until Natsu’s holding him, stroking his hair and kissing his forehead.  

“What’s wrong?” Natsu asks, and his voice is too soft, too gentle. Too curious.  

“’m fine,” Gray insists, trying to push Natsu away. He needs this – needs to take control again.  

“You’re not,” Natsu says gently, and for a second, Gray wants to cry, wants to let it all go and melt into Natsu’s arms and tell him _I’m scared, he’s dangerous, save me._  

Instead he shoves Natsu away, rolling to the side of the bed and grabbing his clothes. Natsu makes a confused sound but Gray shakes his head as he yanks his shirt back on.  

“Shouldn’t be here,” Gray says, trying to harden the edges of his voice.  

“I’m sorry,” Natsu says, reaching out to touch Gray’s shoulder, but Gray shrugs off his hand and stands up.  

“I have a—a boyfriend.” He tries to keep his voice from breaking. “This was a mistake, I... I just had too much to drink.”  

He can’t look at Natsu’s face, because if he does, it’s all going to fall apart and keep on hurting and hurting.  

“I didn’t—” 

“I have to go,” Gray whispers, then turns and runs out the door, trying not to think about gentle kisses and sad, green eyes.  


	3. fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray lies to keep himself safe, and Natsu tries to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for verbal/emotional abuse and depressed/implied suicidal thoughts

_i_ _hope people change_  

fear \ ˈfir   
noun   
: an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger 

 **.**  

 **vii**  
**april**  

 **.**  

Gray is several blocks away from the hotel when he realizes that he forgot his jacket, and he has no idea where he is. They had taken a cab from the bar, and Gray had been too busy kissing Natsu to focus on where they were going. The streetlights blur together as he looks around desperately for something familiar. 

His phone starts to buzz in his pocket and a wave of panic rushes through Gray as he ducks into a side alley and looks down at the screen.  

 _Incoming Call – Joel_  

“Shit,” he whispers.   

Gray’s hands shake so badly that he nearly drops the phone. He can’t answer – Joel will hear that he’s wasted and find out that Gray’s not at home. But if Gray ignores the call, it might be worse.  

The terror and intoxication and guilt all hit him at the same time, and he turns to the side and throws up on the ground. Rough brick scrapes against his bare arm as he leans heavily on the wall, retching and choking until nothing comes up but bile. It burns the back of his throat and his eyes water so badly he can barely see.  

His phone buzzes again with a text –  _Answer your phone._ Two seconds later it starts ringing again, and Gray groans, tipping his head back against the wall and hitting ‘accept.’  

“Hey,” he says weakly, trying his best not to slur his words. The ground feels like it’s moving underneath him and he swallows hard, focusing on a crack in the brick across the alley.  

“Why didn’t you answer the first time?” Joel’s voice is hard and sharp, and Gray swallows back tears, wiping his face. “I’ve been texting you all night, what the hell is going on?”  

“I’m sorry,” Gray says, squeezing his eyes shut. He’s sure Joel can hear his pounding heart through the phone.  

“Where are you?”  

A million answers run through Gray’s mind. He can't say he’s at home – Joel can probably hear the traffic from the street, and he’ll ask Gray to prove it by taking a picture of himself. But if Gray says he’s out, and he sounds drunk... 

“I just left the drugstore,” he lies, trying to keep his voice from shaking. “I was—I don’t feel good. I think I have the flu so I went to get some Gravol.” There’s silence on the other end of the line, and Gray quickly adds, “I’m sorry, I was asleep, I didn’t see your texts.” 

“Your phone is supposed to be on,” Joel says, but some of the sharpness has melted away from his voice.  

“I left it in the living room,” Gray says, taking a step back from the puddle of vomit at his feet. His stomach roils and he bites the inside of his cheek to keep from throwing up again. “I’m sorry.”  

Joel sighs, and Gray can picture the disappointed look on his face. “I was worried about you,” Joel says, and his voice is suddenly soft and concerned. “Don’t scare me like that, baby. I didn’t mean to get mad, you just worry me. I care about you.”  

Part of Gray believes him. It  _is_ his fault – he shouldn’t be lying, shouldn’t be out drinking, shouldn’t be making out with his ex-boyfriend while his current boyfriend is out of town.   

A quiet, sad part of him whispers,  _you deserve better. You shouldn’t have to be afraid._  

“I’m sorry,” Gray says again.  

There's silence on the other end of the line, and it’s almost worse than the yelling.  

“I’m coming home,” Joel says finally, and Gray’s intoxicated brain finally hears the traffic in the background of Joel’s call. He’s in his car.  

 _Shit._  

“You—you don’t have to,” Gray tries to protest, but Joel cuts him off.  

“If you’re sick, I wanna take care of you.” The words are caring, but Gray can feel the edge behind them. Joel doesn’t believe him. “I’ll be home in a few hours, okay?” 

Gray digs his fingernails into his palm as his mind starts racing. He can’t get out of this – Joel will know Gray’s lying as soon as he gets home. If Gray spends money on a cab, Joel will see it on the credit card statement, and Gray won’t have the Gravol or the receipt from the drugstore, and he smells like beer and probably like Natsu’s cologne, and— 

“I’ll see you soon,” Joel says. “Answer your phone the next time I call you.”  

Then the line goes dead, and Gray leans over and throws up again, giving in to the fear and nausea.  

“Holy shit, are you okay?”  

Natsu’s there in the alley suddenly, arm wrapped around Gray’s shoulders, rubbing his arm.  

“G-go ‘way,” Gray mumbles, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Everything is blurry and he realizes that he’s crying. There’s a hollow ache in his chest that he can’t push away anymore, and he just wants it to  _end._  

“I’m not going anywhere, you idiot,” Natsu says gently, and he wraps Gray’s forgotten jacket around his shoulders. He wraps his fingers around Gray’s bicep gently, but Gray pulls his arm away, backing up and hitting his elbow on the brick wall. He can’t even feel it. 

“I gotta...” Gray looks down at his phone and nearly throws it to the ground. He wants to smash it to a million pieces. “I gotta go home.”  

“You look like you’re gonna pass out,” Natsu says, reaching out again and brushing his fingers across Gray’s shoulder. Gray doesn’t pull away this time – he's too tired. “C’mon, come sit down with me.”  

Gray gives in, letting Natsu take him by the elbow and guide him out of the alley. They head back to the hotel in silence, and when they finally sit down on the concrete bench outside the front doors, Gray’s managed to stop crying.  

“I’m sorry,” Natsu says softly, rubbing his thumb over Gray’s shoulder. “I didn’t know you had a—I wouldn’t have asked, I’m—” 

“’s okay,” Gray says, shaking his head. He’s exhausted, and it’s almost enough to numb the fear. “My fault, I shouldn’t be... he said to stay home, should’a listened.”  

“Are you still with Joel?” Natsu asks. Gray nods, blinking to try and clear his vision.  

“He’s outta town, an’... but I gotta go home, he’s coming back.”  

Natsu frowns, and Gray can feel his hesitation before he asks, “Gray, are you okay?”  

“’m fine,” Gray says quickly.  

“You don’t seem fine,” Natsu argues, and Gray suddenly wants to scream at him.  

He shoves Natsu away, pulling his jacket tighter around him. There are puddles on the street and they’re reflecting the neon lights of the 24-hour donair place across the street. Gray still doesn’t know where he is.   

“Gray, I’m worried about you,” Natsu says gently. He moves from the bench to crouch down in front of Gray and puts his hand on Gray’s leg. “What’s going on?”  

“Nothing,” Gray insists, because maybe if he says it enough times, Natsu will stop asking. “I need—wh-where are we? I need to go home.” 

“Kensington,” Natsu says, sighing. He squeezes Gray’s knee. “Gray, look at me.” Gray shakes his head, keeping his eyes on the dirty pavement. “Is... is Joel hurting you?”  

“No,” Gray says automatically. “He’s just worried.”  

His mind is racing. Kensington is on the opposite end of town from their apartment, and it’ll take at least half an hour to get home. If he flags a cab down now, he’ll have time to run to the drugstore and back to their apartment before Joel makes it there.  

But then the time on the receipt will be after their phone call, and Gray still doesn’t know how he’s going to pay for the cab without Joel seeing. He used the cash he’d been saving up at the bar – he’s so fucking stupid.  

“Fuck,” he whispers, dropping his head into his hands.  

“How can I help?” Natsu asks. “What can I do?”  

His voice is so gentle and Gray wants to cry again, but he’s got nothing left. 

“Do you have any Gravol?” he asks, suddenly. Natsu gives him a strange look and shakes his head, then looks down at his phone and types something in.  

“No, but there’s a drugstore just down the street,” he says. “You want me to go get some for you?”  

If Natsu buys it, Gray won’t have a receipt, but it’s better than having one with the wrong time. His head hurts from the web of lies he’s tangled himself up in, and he’s starting to feel like he should just tell the truth and take what comes.  

If Joel gets mad enough, maybe Gray won’t have to worry about it hurting anymore. 

“Are you okay to wait here?” Natsu asks. Gray looks up at him blearily and hates the look of pity in Natsu’s eyes. “I’ll go get you the Gravol, then I’ll come back. If I pay for a cab to get you home, will that help?”  

Natsu knows. He knows, and he’s trying to help, and Gray hates it.  

“Yeah,” he says quietly, rubbing his face. He wants to say  _thank you,_ but he can’t. 

Natsu doesn’t take long at the drugstore, and when the cab finally comes, Gray curls up in the passenger seat with the Gravol tucked in his pocket.  

“Here,” Natsu says, passing Gray a piece of folded paper through the window. “I just...”  

“I know,” Gray says softly, and he lets Natsu squeeze his hand before the driver pulls away. 

Gray doesn’t open the paper until they’re a few blocks away from the apartment. There’s a fifty-dollar bill tucked inside, and behind it is a phone number and a note in Natsu’s messy handwriting.  

 _I don’t know what’s going on, but you don’t seem okay. I miss you. I know it’s been a long time, but I never stopped thinking about you. Text me, okay? I just wanna know if you’re safe._  

 _Love, Natsu_   


	4. trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sixteen-year-old Ellie knows that he's really a boy, and he's ready to come out to his best friends.

_your secret is safe, i won’t say a word_

trust \ ˈtrəst  
noun  
: one in which confidence is placed

.

 **i**  
**august**  
**eight** **years ago**

**.**

Summer in Magnolia is unbearably hot. The sun is relentless, beating down through the window of Natsu’s dad’s shitty car. There’s no AC, so Ellie has the window rolled down, but the hot, dry air isn’t doing much to mitigate the heat.

“This car is a piece of shit,” Erza comments from the back seat. Her feet are up on the console between Natsu and Ellie, and she’s holding a chilled can of pop against her cheek.

Natsu snorts, looking at her in the rearview mirror. “At least I have a car,” he says, tapping on the steering wheel to the beat of whatever song is playing.

“Yeah, a car that’s so ancient it still has a tape deck,” Ellie teases, pulling her hair back into a ponytail. Stray pieces of hair stick to her face, curling in the heat, and the back of her neck itches. She can’t wait to cut it all off.

Natsu nudges Erza’s feet aside and grabs his can of coke, tipping his head back as he takes a long drink. Ellie tries not to stare at the curve of Natsu’s jaw or the pink of his tongue as he licks his lips. His hair is wild and his skin is tanned, and there’s a light dusting of freckles up his arms and across his cheeks.

Ellie wants to touch them, wants to trace patterns between each freckle and kiss Natsu’s lips. She thinks about him a lot more than she should, even though it’s hopeless. They’ve been friends for years and it would be weird. Plus, Ellie is pretty sure Natsu is only into boys, and even though Ellie is—

“Yo, Earth to El?” Natsu waves his hand in front of Ellie’s face and she blinks a few times, shaking her head. “You alive in there?”

“Yeah, sorry,” Ellie says, batting his hand away. “It’s just too fucking hot.”

She would have been cooler in the dress she’d worn to church this morning – the red one with the white flowers that her mom likes. But dresses don’t feel right, and as soon as they’d left town, she’d swapped it out for cutoff jeans and an old t-shirt of Natsu’s that he’d left at her house at a sleepover last summer. It doesn’t smell like him anymore, but it’s still Ellie’s favorite shirt.

“It’s awesome,” Natsu protests. He’s always loved the heat, which Ellie doesn’t really mind because it means she gets to see him shirtless a lot. “You guys gonna come swimming? Laxus said the lake’s okay this year.”

“Maybe,” Ellie says, thinking of the bikini shoved in the bottom of her bag in the trunk and making a face. “You gonna try to drown me again?”

Natsu snorts. “Don’t act like you didn’t start that,” he says, turning to look at Ellie over the rim of his sunglasses. “You can’t pretend you’re innocent.”

“I can try,” Ellie replies, sticking her tongue out at Natsu. “Besides, it was Erza’s idea.”

Erza laughs, reaching forward and tugging at Ellie’s ponytail, but she doesn’t deny the accusation. Ellie grumbles, grabbing one of Erza’s feet and raising her eyebrow with the threat of tickling.

“Don’t you dare,” Erza says, giving Ellie a half-hearted glare. Natsu tucks his coke back into the console and then leans over, using Erza’s legs as an armrest as he keeps his eyes on the dusty road.

Ellie sighs happily, looking out the window again and letting the hot air wash over her. The tape deck changes to their favorite song and Natsu cranks it up, tapping out the beat on Erza’s calf as they all begin to sing along.

 _i can tell you my love for you will still be strong_  
_after the boys of summer are gone_

* * *

It seems like everyone from school is at the lake. Laxus is pretty popular and Magnolia’s not a very big town, so the beach is packed. Everyone’s drinking, and a bonfire is roaring even though the sun hasn’t quite set yet. Somebody’s started a volleyball game in the sand nearby, and the sound of their shouting mixes with the waves lapping up against the shore.

“What’s up, El?”

Ellie looks up from where she’s sitting in the sand with her feet near the water. She’s been trying to bury her toes in the sand, but every time the waves come up, they wash it away and she can see the chipped pink polish on her nails.

Erza plops down beside her, beer in hand, and stretches out her legs into the water. The sun is starting to set, and the water on the lake ripples pink and gold. A breeze picks up off the water and Ellie sighs as it cools the sticky heat on her skin.

“I’m fine,” Ellie says quietly, leaning back on her hands and looking up at the sky. In a few hours the stars will be out, and the three of them will lie on the grass and make up constellations like they’ve done every summer since they met.

“Liar,” Erza says, poking her in the ribs. Ellie swats Erza’s hand away, then grabs the beer out of her hand and takes a swig. It tastes horrible, but it keeps the mild buzz going that she’s been holding on to all night. Ellie’s skin tingles and her head is light, and it makes her feel brave.

She doesn’t answer Erza’s question, and they sit for a while in silence before the sand next to Ellie is disturbed by Natsu plopping down beside her with a plate of marshmallows.

“Did you win?” Erza asks, taking the least-burned marshmallow from the plate. Natsu pops the blackest one into his mouth and Ellie makes a face.

“Sort of?” Natsu says, licking the sticky mess off his fingers. Ellie quickly looks away. “Laxus threw Gajeel in the lake, so I think it was a draw.”

Erza snorts, tipping back the rest of her beer and then settling the bottle into the sand between her and Ellie.

“What’s up, sunshine?” Natsu asks, nudging Ellie’s shoulder. He kicks up some water and splashes the sand off her feet.

“She’s being evasive,” Erza answers, and Natsu raises his eyebrow.

Ellie chews her lip, thinking back to the words she’s been practicing for the past few weeks. She’s been panicking about it for days, but now that she’s here, she feels a strange sense of calm.

She supposes it’s because she trusts Natsu and Erza with anything.

Ellie picks up a rock from the beach and tosses it into the water, watching the circles ripple out from it before asking, “can I tell you guys something?”

“Of course,” they say in tandem, and Ellie can feel Natsu’s concerned gaze as he reaches out and takes her hand.

Ellie takes a deep breath. “I think I’m a boy,” she says.

The water laps up over Ellie’s ankles, dragging the sand back into the lake. Natsu runs his thumb over Ellie’s knuckles and Erza shifts closer, wrapping her arm around Ellie’s back.

“Ells,” Natsu says gently. “We already know.”

Ellie peeks up at him, and finds that she isn’t surprised by the soft expression on Natsu’s face. “S-since when?” Ellie asks.

“A while now,” Erza says, resting her head on Ellie’s shoulder. “We were just waiting for you to be ready to tell us.”

Ellie lets out a deep breath, wiping at her face in an unsuccessful attempt to hide her tears. Natsu slips their fingers together and squeezes Ellie’s hand, and they all watch the colors disappear from the lake as the sun slips below the horizon.

“You want us to call you something else?” Natsu asks eventually. “A different name, I mean.”

Ellie sighs, digging her – his – toes into the sand again. “No,” he says softly. He wants to say yes – he already knows the name he wants. Gray. He’s wanted it forever, written it in the margins of his journal and traced it in pen on the inside of his forearm. But saying it out loud is terrifying.

“I don’t want—you can’t tell anyone, okay? My dad can’t know.” Gray tips his head back and stares up at the stars. “I can’t… I’m not ready.”

It feels like everything’s changed, and nothing has.

“Okay,” Natsu says. “Your secret’s safe with us.”

 

* * *

 

The beach starts to get cold not long after sunset, and eventually Erza heads over to the bonfire, kissing Gray’s temple before she leaves. Natsu stays, and they’re still holding hands as they sit quietly under the stars.

“I’m glad you told us,” Natsu says after a while. He tips his head so they’re looking at each other, and Gray’s face is suddenly hot despite the breeze coming off the water.

“I’m sorry it took me so long,” he says, trying to push down the desperate bubbling in his stomach. Natsu’s his best friend, and Gray has to stop thinking about kissing him. “It’s not that I didn’t trust you, I just—”

“It’s okay.” Natsu’s voice is so soft, and Gray is very aware of every place that they’re touching – knees, hips, shoulders. Natsu is warm and comforting, and Gray never wants to leave. “Sometimes being honest is…” Natsu trails off, looking down at the sand and chewing on his lip.

“Scary?” Gray suggests. They’re so close, and Gray digs his nails into his calf to keep himself grounded, to keep himself from leaning forward and—

“Terrifying,” Natsu whispers before he leans in and kisses Gray.

Gray’s so surprised that he freezes, and Natsu immediately pulls back, letting go of Gray’s hand as his face turns red.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I—”

Gray reaches out and cups Natsu’s cheek with a shaking hand, then swallows, brushing his fingers through Natsu’s hair. He’s wanted to do this for so long.

“You’re not drunk, are you?” he asks. His heart’s beating so fast he can barely ge the words out. Natsu shakes his head, eyes more serious than Gray’s ever seen him. “You—you want this?”

“I have for a long time,” Natsu says, running his hand tentatively up Gray’s arm. “Shit, I’m an idiot, I didn’t—it’s not because of what you said, I’ve felt—had feelings for you for a long time, but I didn’t want to fuck things up, and…”

“Me too,” Gray whispers, cutting Natsu off with a kiss of his own.

It feels so right – Natsu’s tanned skin beneath his fingertips, his hands in Natsu’s hair, Natsu breathing into Gray’s mouth like it’s the only thing keeping him alive.

Gray ends up on his back in the sand with Natsu hovering over him, kissing him over and over under the thousand constellations in the sky. The bonfire burns bright and the water laps at their feet, and voices shout and murmur behind them over the sound of an acoustic guitar.

It’s nothing but a backdrop, though, and it all fades away under the thundering of Gray’s heart and the way Natsu’s lips feel against his.


	5. numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray can't keep his lies straight, and Joel gets angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TW for physical & verbal abuse, and implied noncon. If you would prefer to just read a summary of this chapter, check the notes at the bottom.**
> 
> If you're in a situation like this, or you're being abused and need help, you can reach out to any of these hotlines. If you need to talk, feel free to message me on Tumblr as @splendidlyimperfect. I've been through this before, and I'm happy to talk.  
> Australia: 1800 RESPECT  
> United States: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)  
> UK: 0808 2000 247  
> New Zealand: 0800 733 843 (REFUGE)  
> Canada (by province): https://www.dawncanada.net/issues/crisis-hotlines/

_and_ _i_ _can’t change, even if_ _i t_ _ried, even if i_ _w_ _anted to_  

numb \ ˈnəm   
adjective   
: unable to think, feel, or react normally because of something that shocks or upsets you 

 **.**  

 **viii**    
**april**  

 **.**  

By the time Joel gets home at nearly four in the morning, Gray can’t feel anything. The Gravol and the alcohol are fucking him up, and he’s curled up in the corner of the couch because if he moves, the whole room rocks and he feels like he’s going to throw up again.  

When the apartment door creaks open, Bella leaps down from where she’s been curled up on Gray’s feet and charges over, tail wagging with excitement. Gray looks up, blinking blearily at Joel’s outline against the hallway light.  

Gray doesn’t say anything. Sometimes staying quiet helps.  

Joel shrugs off his jacket, hanging it up and crouching down to pet Bella. Gray can hear him murmuring to her, kissing her forehead and telling her what a good girl she is. 

Eventually, Joel comes into the living room, staring at Gray for a few seconds before sitting down on the edge of the couch. Gray can’t feel his fingers, and he wonders if that’s a bad thing.  

“How’re you feeling?” Joel asks eventually. Gray thinks his voice is gentle, but it’s hard to tell through the haze that’s taken over his brain.  

“Better?” he says, gesturing listlessly at the ginger ale and remaining Gravol on the coffee table. His phone is sitting there and Joel picks it up. Gray can’t focus and he squeezes his eyes shut, swallowing hard to keep from throwing up again. 

He’s pretty sure he’s still drunk.   

Joel flips through Gray’s phone for a few seconds, then reaches over and puts the back of his hand on Gray’s forehead. Gray can’t help a flinch. He looks down quickly at his hands, bunching the fabric of the blanket between his fingers.  

“You don’t have a fever,” Joel says, ignoring the recoil and brushing his fingers through Gray’s hair, then tugging on it, tipping Gray’s face up until they’re looking at each other. Joel’s eyes are dark as he searches Gray’s face. “You’re lying,” he says quietly.  

 _Shit,_ Gray thinks. He holds perfectly still, trying to ignore the pain in his scalp. When he looks away, Joel shakes his head and pulls harder.  

“Why are you lying to me?” Joel asks, voice surprisingly gentle. Gray wants to cry, because that makes it worse. “I came all the way home from that meeting to take care of you.”  

The words are soft and sad, and Gray can see disappointment in Joel’s eyes. A wave of guilt washes over Gray – he’s so fucking stupid. Joel’s right not to trust him.  

“I’m sorry,” Gray whispers. “I didn’t want you to worry.”  

“Well that backfired,” Joel says, and there’s the spark of anger that Gray’s been waiting for. “I’ve been worried about you all fucking night. You’re supposed to answer your phone when I call or text you.” 

“I know,” Gray whispers. His heart is pounding, a staccato rhythm that he’s sure Joel can hear. “I—it’s on now, I forgot to put the ringer back after the movie the other night and I didn’t hear it. I’m sorry.”  

Joel lets go of Gray’s hair and gestures at his phone. “Where were you?”  

Gray can’t keep the lies straight – there’s too many threads, and the safety net he’s built is falling apart. “At the bar,” he says shakily. “Cana, from w-work – she invited me.” He hopes to hell that Joel doesn’t go looking for a text to prove it.  

“Just Cana?” Joel asks, tossing the phone back in Gray’s lap and giving him a dark, angry look. The panic bubbles to the surface and Gray shakes his head, trying to remember what he was going to say. He has the receipt, and he didn’t pay for the cab, but Joel knows something and— 

“Tell me the truth.”  

Maybe he can fix this if he just admits it. Maybe Joel will understand.   

“A-at first, yeah, but then I… Natsu was there.”  

Joel’s jaw tightens and he stares at Gray with dark eyes. “Natsu?”  

“Y-yeah, he was in town for his friend’s bachelor party, and we just bumped into each other, so he invited me to hang out with them for a bit and I said yes… we were just catching up, I haven’t seen him in years.”  

“There’s a reason for that,” Joel growls. “He doesn’t care about you. Where was he when you started transitioning? Or when we moved? He wasn’t fucking there, but I was.”  

Gray knows that Joel’s right. Natsu hasn’t reached out to him in five years – never responded to any of Gray’s texts or e-mails. If Gray hadn’t been so drunk tonight, he might have punched Natsu before kissing him.  

He still would have kissed him, though.  

“I know,” Gray says hurriedly, guilt welling up in his chest. He’s so fucking stupid. “we didn’t—it was just for a couple hours, we just talked about work and stuff, and then I came home.”  

He should tell the truth.  

He can’t tell the truth.  

Joel grabs Gray’s wrist and stands up, dragging him to his feet. “Liar,” he hisses, pulling Gray toward him. “What did you do with him?”  

“N-nothing, I just—”  

“Don’t  _lie_ to me!”  

Gray knows the blow is coming and he tries to pull away, but takes the back of Joel’s hand across his cheek. Gray knows it should hurt, but he can’t fucking feel anything. He wishes he could – he deserves it.  

Gray keeps his eyes on the ground, blinking away the tears that are stinging his eyes.   

“You went off and fucked him, didn’t you?” Joel growls, hand still tight around Gray’s wrist. He’s squeezing so hard he’s going to leave bruises, but Gray pushes past the pain, trying to salvage what he can.  

“No,” he whispers, refusing to tell that part of the truth. There’s no way Joel can find out about Gray going back to Natsu’s hotel with him – he doesn’t know any of Natsu’s friends, and Gray knows the security cameras at the shitty bar don’t actually work. “I didn’t, I—”  

“Even after he abandoned you, you still have feelings for him.” Joel shakes his head. “Unbelievable.”  

“I don’t,” Gray insists, grabbing at Joel’s shirt with his free hand. Joel shoves Gray away and Gray stumbles backward, tripping over one of the couch cushions and falling to the floor. This time he feels it – his elbow smashes into the hardwood and he bites his tongue to keep from crying out.  

 _Keep breathing,_ he thinks desperately, unsure if he should stay down or push himself back up to his feet.  _It’s not forever. It always ends._  

“Get up,” Joel says, voice so quiet Gray can barely hear it. Gray scrambles to his feet, then steps forward again, reaching out for Joel placatingly. Sometimes he can stop the momentum of hurt with touch.  

“I’m sorry,” he says again, and Joel doesn’t push him away this time. Instead he sighs, rubbing his face and giving Gray the disappointed look that Gray hates. Joel grabs Gray’s hand, pulling it off his sleeve, and shoves Gray back onto the couch.   

“I hate being the bad guy,” Joel says, shaking his head. “You always push me so fucking far. You didn’t answer your phone, you went out without telling me, you  _lied_ to me, to my face. What the hell am I supposed to do?”  

His voice is so quiet. Sometimes he yells and Gray desperately hopes somebody will hear, somebody might call for help. They never do.  

“It won’t happen again,” Gray promises. He can’t stop shaking, can’t stop thinking about Natsu and his lips and the way he made Gray  _feel,_ how he helped Gray and held him, and tried to keep him safe.  

But Gray loves Joel. Natsu wasn’t there for him, and Joel has always been. Joel has every right to be mad. 

“Did he move here?” Joel asks. Gray looks up at him. “Natsu,” Joel says. “Is he living here now?”  

Gray shakes his head. “N-no, I don’t think so, he said he was just in town for a c-couple nights.”  

Joel exhales, turning and walking toward the window. He’s silent for a long time, and Gray’s heart keeps skipping and the floor keeps tilting and he’s so, so tired.  

Eventually Joel turns back to the couch and grabs Gray’s arm, pulling him back to his feet. Gray stumbles against him, putting his hand on Joel’s chest to steady himself. “You said you don’t have feelings for him,” Joel says.   

“I don’t,” Gray whispers, and he might be telling the truth. He was just drunk, and stupid, and he can’t break Joel’s trust like that again. “I love you.”  

“Then prove it,” Joel says, and he tips Gray’s head up and kisses him. It’s gentle despite the harsh grip on Gray’s arm, and Gray tries to relax into it. “I love you too, baby,” Joel murmurs against Gray’s lips. “I forgive you.”  

Gray lets out a shaky sigh as Joel pulls back and kisses his forehead.  

“Can you promise me that you won’t talk to him again?” Joel asks. He tips Gray’s head back, running his thumbs over Gray’s cheek. Gray’s chest aches as he thinks about the concern in Natsu’s eyes and the way that fit together, but right now he’ll do anything to make this up to Joel.  

“I promise,” he says. He’ll burn the note tomorrow. 

Joel runs his fingers through Gray’s hair and for just a second, his grip tightens again. “C’mon, baby,” he whispers, leaning down and kissing Gray’s neck. Gray closes his eyes and tries to feel something, tries to want this. For a second, he imagines that the lips are Natsu’s, then bites the inside of his cheek until the image of pink hair goes away. “Come to bed.” 

So Gray does, because Joel’s not angry anymore, and Gray just wants to do something right.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Joel comes home and finds out that Gray was lying about where he was. He gets angry and hits Gray, then blames Gray for making him angry. Gray tries to diffuse the situation by apologizing and promising to never speak to Natsu again, and Joel accepts the apology. He tells Gray that he loves and forgives him, then tells him to come to bed, despite Gray not wanting to.
> 
> I promise it has a happy ending <3


	6. heartbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu and Gray have been together for two years, and Gray's ready to get the hell out of their small town and to go college together.

_isn’t love all we need? is it love?_

heart·break | \ ˈhärt-ˌbrāk  
noun  
**:** crushing grief, anguish, or distress

**.**

**ii**   
**august**   
**six years ago**

**.**

“You guys are disgusting.”

Erza tosses a wadded-up piece of paper at Gray’s head and he ducks, making a face at her when she misses. He’s sitting in Natsu’s lap, which is probably not helping Natsu focus on the math homework he has to do for summer school.

“You and Jellal aren’t any better,” Gray insists. Natsu hums in agreement, kissing Gray’s shoulder. Gray’s wearing a tank top today, and Natsu’s been taking advantage of Gray’s bare skin all morning. Gray really, really doesn’t mind.

Gray sighs, leaning back into Natsu and reaching for his coffee. Natsu nips at Gray’s earlobe and Erza groans, squeezing her eyes shut and standing up.

“Get outta here,” she says fondly, gesturing to the front door. “If you’re going to make out, I don’t wanna watch.”

Natsu laughs, nudging Gray off his lap and pushing himself to his feet. Gray studies his face for a moment before letting Natsu help him to his feet. Natsu’s smiling, but something in his eyes isn’t quite right. It hasn’t been for a while now, but Natsu won’t talk about it.  

“Wanna go for a drive?” Natsu asks, slipping his fingers between Gray’s.

“Yes, go, get it out of your system and be back in time for movie night,” Erza says. As they make their way out the door and into the dry summer heat, she shouts, “don’t forget to pick up the popcorn!”

Gray turns and waves to her as they hop into Natsu’s car, immediately cranking down the windows. Natsu flips on the tape player and starts humming along to the Pink Floyd song that plays.

“What’s up with you?” Gray asks as Natsu backs out of Erza’s driveway, then turns down the street that will take them to the highway.

Natsu shrugs, reaching over and squeezing Gray’s thigh. Gray’s wearing a skirt today because his dad was home when he left, and he’s still Ellie except in his head. He still hasn’t even told Erza and Natsu about his name – he’s too scared to say it out loud. Natsu calls Gray his boyfriend in private, but to everyone else, Gray’s still a girl.

Natsu is uncharacteristically silent for most of the drive. The fields stretch out on either side of them, bright yellow with canola, and a few white wisps of cloud scud across the sky, occasionally casting shadows into the car.

Gray kicks his feet up onto the dashboard, reaching over and running his fingers through Natsu’s hair. Natsu leans into the touch, slipping his hand up Gray’s thigh until his fingers are brushing the edge of Gray’s skirt.

A thrill runs through Gray, settling right in the pit of his stomach and radiating out until his entire body feels hot. His fingers tighten in Natsu’s hair and Natsu laughs, sliding his fingers up to the edge of Gray’s underwear.

“You’d better focus on the road,” Gray says, breath hitching as Natsu’s fingers brush against him.

“Mm,” is all Natsu says in response, and Gray can feel want and tension radiating from him – the pent-up energy of spending the last week apart. Between Gray’s dad’s rules and Natsu’s summer school, they haven’t had much time together lately, and it’s driving Gray crazy. Fantasizing about Natsu with his hand between his legs isn’t quite as good as the real thing.

As soon as they pull into the abandoned lot off the highway, Natsu throws the car in park and then turns to Gray, pulling him into a kiss. Gray opens up to him immediately, pulling on Natsu’s hair and moaning against his lips.

“Back seat,” Natsu whispers, separating from Gray just long enough to move positions.

“I missed you,” Gray gasps as he’s pulled onto Natsu’s lap, legs on either side of Natsu’s hips. They barely fit back here – Gray’s head is brushing the roof of the car and Natsu’s knees hit the back of the front seat – but Gray doesn’t care. He tips his head back as Natsu presses hot kisses down his neck.

“Missed you too,” Natsu murmurs against Gray’s skin. He slips one hand up under the back of Gray’s shirt, pulling Gray against his chest, and uses the other to push Gray’s skirt out of the way.

“Fuck,” Gray whispers as Natsu thrusts his hips up.  Natsu’s already hard and he hits just the right spot on Gray, who leans forward and buries his face in Natsu’s shoulder.

“That feel good?” Natsu asks, voice low in Gray’s ear. Gray nods, sliding his hands down to the hem of Natsu’s t-shirt and tugging it up over his head. Natsu grinds up against Gray again and Gray rocks his hips forward, moaning as Natsu’s cock rubs against him.

“Get your pants off,” Gray says, shifting off of Natsu’s lap. Natsu wiggles out of his jeans as best he can in the cramped space, tossing them into the front seat before turning back to Gray.

Natsu presses on Gray’s shoulder until he’s lying back on the seat – luckily it’s wide enough for Natsu to fit between Gray’s legs, although one of Gray’s feet slips into the footwell. Natsu leans down to kiss Gray again, hot and demanding, and he slips his hand down between Gray’s legs.

“Can I?” he asks breathlessly, and when Gray whispers _please,_ Natsu tugs Gray’s underwear down. His tongue moves against Gray’s as his fingers find Gray’s clit, and Gray bucks his hips up, chasing the sensation. Gray’s fingers dig red marks into Natsu’s back, and when Natsu slips a finger inside of him, Gray tips his head back, panting and groaning.

“F-fuck, Natsu, th-there,” he gasps as Natsu adds another finger, thumb rubbing against Gray’s clit. His other hand pushes Gray’s shirt up, then cups Gray’s breast, squeezing gently.

Gray wants to return the favor, wants to make Natsu feel good too, but he can’t focus on anything except the way Natsu’s touching him. Natsu tugs down the cup of Gray’s bra and leans in, catching Gray’s nipple between his teeth.

“Natsu,” Gray whispers, bringing his hands up to run through Natsu’s hair. Natsu hums, flicking his tongue over Gray’s nipple before adding a third finger and pressing harder against Gray’s clit. Gray can feel a quiet desperation to Natsu’s movements, and if he wasn’t so lost in the touch, he’d ask what was wrong.

Gray’s whole body is tingling, and he aches with want – this is as far as they’ve gone before, and part of Gray wants more. Wants to feel Natsu inside of him. He almost asks, but he’s not on birth control and you can’t buy condoms in Magnolia without everyone finding out.

Instead, he grinds up against Natsu’s hand, then reaches down and grabs Natsu’s hips.

“C’mere,” he says, and Natsu pulls back uncertainly. Gray pulls Natsu up until he’s resting between Gray’s legs, and Natsu catches on quickly. He’s still wearing his boxers, and he grinds down against Gray, both of them shaking at the sensation.

Natsu leans down and kisses Gray, panting into his mouth as he thrusts against Gray over and over. Gray runs his hands up and down Natsu’s back, feeling the way Natsu tenses under his fingertips.

“Fuck, Ellie,” Natsu whispers, and the name is almost enough to pull Gray out of the moment, but Natsu feels so fucking _good_ against him. Gray grabs Natsu’s ass and pulls him tighter, grinding up against him until Natsu’s making loud, pleading noises into Gray’s mouth.

Then Natsu gasps and presses his head against Gray’s shoulder, hips stuttering as he comes. Gray kisses Natsu’s cheeks, his eyelids, his forehead, running his fingers through Natsu’s hair as Natsu pants against his skin.

As soon as Natsu’s breathing is back to normal, he pulls Gray into a fierce kiss.

“You didn’t…” he trails off, pressing his forehead to Gray’s. Gray shakes his head, about to insist that it’s fine when Natsu pushes himself back on the seat and slides down between Gray’s legs.

“Natsu,” Gray whispers as Natsu’s tongue presses against his clit and Natsu slips his fingers back inside Gray. “F-fuck, gods…”

Gray reaches down and grabs Natsu’s hair, tipping his head back and letting out an embarrassingly loud whine as Natsu sucks on his clit. Gray’s already so close, and it only takes Natsu curling his fingers for Gray to come, back arching off the seat as his whole body tenses to a peak and then lets go. A hot, tingling sensation runs through Gray, centered on the soft strokes of Natsu’s tongue, and Gray rides it out for a long time before he goes limp, panting with exhaustion.

Natsu sits up slowly, wiping his face with the back of his hand before reaching down to help Gray into a sitting position. Gray hums happily, leaning against Natsu as his pounding heart slowly starts to come back down to normal.

“You’re amazing,” Gray whispers, tipping his head back onto Natsu’s shoulder and kissing him. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Natsu murmurs against Gray’s lips. He runs his fingers across Gray’s stomach and Gray arches up into the touch, then curses when he slams his knee into the back of the seat.

“God, I can’t wait until we have our own place and don’t have to fit back here to make out,” he grumbles.

Natsu stills immediately. Gray frowns and pulls back, turning until they’re facing each other.

“What’s wrong?” he asks. Natsu shakes his head, turning to kiss Gray’s palm.

“Nothing,” he says, just like he has the last hundred times Gray’s asked him. Gray gives him a frustrated look and Natsu sighs, reaching up and brushing Gray’s hair out of his face.

“Let’s get dressed,” Natsu says eventually.

They both shuffle awkwardly back into their clothes. Natsu tosses his dirty boxers into the trees at the edge of the lot and tugs his jeans on, then slips back into the driver’s seat. He doesn’t turn the car on, just sits with the window rolled down as he taps his fingers on the steering wheel.

Gray feels a thread of fear twist its way up from his stomach, and he tries to push it away as he reaches out for Natsu’s hand. Natsu twines their fingers together, squeezing Gray’s hand tightly before looking up at him.

“I do love you, Ells,” he says, voice breaking on the name. “So much. I just…” He rubs his face, tipping his head back against the seat. “I got accepted at Danston.”

The information takes a second to process, and Gray gives Natsu a confused look. Danston is on the other side of the country.

“You…” The anxiety thread grows longer, wrapping around Gray’s stomach and squeezing, hard. “I thought—we both got accepted at Elmsworth, you said…”

“I know,” Natsu says, and Gray’s heart cracks as he watches tears spill down Natsu’s cheeks. “I know, I’m so sorry, but it’s—I got a scholarship, they’re gonna pay for all four years, and…”

Gray can’t breathe.

“But… the apartment…”

They’re supposed to move in together. They’d planned to drive up to Elmsworth this weekend to look for a place to live – it’s only a few hours away from Magnolia, but far enough that things could change. Gray could be himself. They could live together and go to school together and build a life together.

“I know,” Natsu whispers, wiping as his face. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, I—I love you so much, I just, I can’t turn this down. Mom can barely afford to pay for college and I’ll be getting a full ride, and I’ve wanted this for so long.”

 _I’ve wanted you for so long,_ Gray thinks, and he tries to pull his hand away from Natsu’s, but Natsu holds tighter. More threads knot themselves in Gray’s chest – anger and disbelief and a deep sense of hurt.

“I don’t…” Gray can’t think. It’s all too loud, and all he can hear is the frantic beating of his own heart. “P-please…” He’s not sure what he’s asking for.

Natsu’s crying openly now, sniffling and wiping frantically at the tears with the heel of his palm. “I d-don’t want to leave you,” he whispers.

 _Then don’t,_ Gray thinks, but he can’t say the words out loud.

“I’m sorry,” Natsu says again, hiccupping through his tears and looking at the space between the two of them. “I w-wanted to tell you, I just—I don’t w-want… I’m gonna miss you so f-fucking much.”

“When?” Gray asks, voice barely audible. Natsu doesn’t answer at first and Gray looks up at him, chest aching. Part of him doesn’t want to know the answer, because then he’s going to have to think about saying goodbye.

It’s too much.

“Next week,” Natsu whispers, and a sob breaks out of his chest.

A week. They were supposed to have forever, a new beginning, and now all Gray gets is seven more days with the boy he loves.

“I’m sorry,” Natsu chokes out through the tears. Gray squeezes his eyes shut, then leans across the console, pulling Natsu into his arms.

“I know,” Gray says, kissing Natsu’s forehead. “It’s okay.”

It isn’t, but there’s nothing else he can say.  


	7. worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu's concerned about Gray's strange behavior.

wor· ry | \ ˈwər-ē  
noun  
: mental distress or agitation resulting from concern, usually for something impending or anticipated

**.**

**ix**  
**april**

**.**

Natsu sits on the bench outside the hotel for a long time after Gray’s cab pulls away. By the time he finally heads up to his room, he’s definitely sober and kind of wishing he wasn’t. The image of Gray’s teary face plays over and over in his head, and Natsu can’t shake the feeling that something is very, very wrong.

He sits down on the bed, pulling out his phone and flipping through his contacts. He thumbs down to _Ellie_ and erases the name, replacing it with _Gray._

Gray hasn’t answered this number in years. Natsu’s gone through two phones since the last time they talked, but he’s still got screenshots of all their old conversations in his photos folder. He opens it up and flips back to the last time he heard from Gray – five years ago, not long after Natsu had moved away.

 

[June 11]

Natsu [19:32] _i miss you, ells. i hope things are good for you._

Ellie [23:35] _Things are great. I’m moving to Crocus with Joel in a couple weeks._

 

[June 13]

Natsu [02:59] _wow, thats a big step! im happy for you_

Gray hadn’t answered, and two days later, Natsu had received one final message.

 

[June 15]

Ellie [01:33] _Thanks. We’re both happy. Hope life treats you well._

 

Natsu flips through the rest of the screenshots sadly – he'd messaged Gray for two years after that last text, each time getting more and more desperate with no reply.

_hows life in crocus? are u studying at the new university there? miss you xo_

_im kinda worried about you, havent heard from you in a while. everything ok? xo_

_hey, you. i miss you so much. did i do something wrong? call me? xo_

_you probably dont even have the same phone # anymore... i know its been two years but if you ever change ur mind and wanna talk, ill always answer. i love you xo_

Natsu sighs, rubbing his face, then flips back to his contacts and clicks on Erza’s name. She answers after only one ring.

“Natsu, it’s the middle of the night.” Erza’s voice is sleepy when she answers, and Natsu winces as he looks over at the clock, realizing that it’s just after one in the morning.

“Sorry,” he says, flopping back on the bed. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Erza grumbles something unintelligible, and Natsu can hear her shuffling around, then closing a door behind her. “What’s going on?” she asks. “You okay?”

“I... not really?” Natsu stares up at the blotchy water-stain patterns on the ceiling, shuffling up further on the bed. “Have you talked to Ellie lately?”

There’s a charged silence on the line, and Natsu can picture Erza wrapping her hair around her finger while she tries to figure out how to answer.

“You know I haven’t,” Erza says eventually. “Natsu, I love you, but he made his choice a long time ago, and I think it’s time to—”

“I saw him tonight.”

Natsu rolls onto his stomach, pulling the pillow under his chest and leaning on his elbows as he waits for Erza to process the information.

“You...”

“I’m in Crocus, for Loke’s bachelor party,” Natsu says. “Ellie was at the bar, I didn’t think it was him at first, he looks so...” _Hot,_ Natsu’s brain supplies. “Different,” he says instead.

“Are you sure it was him?” Erza asks, and Natsu can hear the reluctance in her voice. This isn’t the first time Natsu’s called her like this.

“Considering he had his tongue in my mouth, I’m pretty sure.” Erza is silent. “His name is Gray, now,” Natsu adds.

“Good for him,” Erza says. Her voice is quiet, and Natsu can hear the edge of hurt that lines it. “Why are you telling me this? He knows our numbers. He could have reached out _literally_ any time, and he picked his stupid boyfriend over us, and—”

“I think Joel is hurting him.”

That stops Erza mid-rant. “What?”

“Tonight’s been really fucked up,” Natsu says, sighing and rubbing his face. “We were both drunk, I didn’t realize he was still with Joel so we came back to the hotel to fool around, and then... he ran out and I found him throwing up in the alley.”

“That’s what happens when you drink too much,” Erza mutters, but Natsu can hear the concern in her voice.

“He was crying,” Natsu insists. “And... just, the way he was talking... it was like he was gonna get in trouble.” Erza doesn't say anything. “I know you’re mad, I get it, I just—”

“I miss him so fucking much,” Erza whispers, and Natsu’s surprised to hear tears in her voice. “I’ve missed him for years – I wanted him at my wedding and he wasn’t there, and... god, I’ve been so angry at him. And if...” She sniffles. “Where... is he still with you?”

“No,” Natsu says. “He kept saying he had to go home, he was terrified... I should have kept him here, or something, I just... I called a cab for him.”

“Did you get his address?” Erza asks. Natsu shakes his head, then sits up.

“I might be able to get it,” he says. “The cab company – I paid for it on my credit card, maybe they’ll tell me where they dropped him off.”

Erza’s quiet for a minute, and Natsu can hear her shuffling on her couch. “What are you going to do?” she asks quietly. “You can’t just show up there.”

“I dunno yet,” Natsu says, looking up at the ceiling and thinking of Gray’s tired face, his wide eyes, the way he’d felt pressed against Natsu on the bed. It feels like a dream. “I still love him.”

“I know you do,” Erza says gently.

“I just... I only wanted him to be happy.” Suddenly Natsu’s crying, wiping at his eyes as he swallows around the tears. “This is my—”

“Don’t you dare say this is your fault,” Erza interrupts, and there’s that severe tone in her voice that she used to use when Gray and Natsu scrapped with each other and she had to separate them. “You couldn’t have known. There’s nothing you could have done.”

Natsu switches the phone to speaker and pulls up his call history, staring at the number for the cab company.

“Yeah,” he says, grabbing a pad of paper from the side table and scribbling the number down. “But maybe there’s something I can do now.”


	8. intrigue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu's gone to college on the other side of the country, and Gray is miserable. Then he meets a new boy, and things start looking up.

_he was the kind of guy you want to kiss_  

in·trigue | \ in-ˈtrēg   
transitive verb   
: to arouse the interest, desire, or curiosity of 

 **.**  

 **iii**    
**january**    
**five** **years ago**  

 **.**  

The day Natsu leaves, Gray cries more than he ever has in his life. They stand outside Natsu’s car for a long, long time – his car that’s packed with clothes and books and everything Natsu needs to start a new life.  

A life without Gray.  

They kiss and kiss, and Natsu whispers  _I love you_ so many times that Gray loses count. The words leave a hollow ache in his chest because they’re accompanied by the agreement to see other people. Forty-seven hours is too far to keep up a relationship, and Gray knows that Natsu is sweet and kind and attractive, and he’ll have no problem finding someone else.  

No matter how much it hurts, Gray just wants Natsu to be happy.  

Two weeks after Natsu leaves, Gray moves to Elmsworth. He ends up living with Erza and Jellal, which is great because the rent is cheap, but awful because he feels so alone. He keeps his room bare other than a picture of him and Natsu tacked up over his desk – one that Erza took last year at the lake of them kissing under the stars.  

Starting school without Natsu hurts. They text every day, and at first, it’s enough, but the days are long and lonely, and Gray cries himself to sleep almost every night. Eventually Erza steps in and gets Gray to see a doctor who gives him some pills that make everything a little bit more tolerable.  

Christmas passes, and Gray spends it back in Magnolia with his parents, where he wears skirts and prays at dinner and goes to Mass.  

Gray hates it all. He tries to be happy for Erza’s sake, because he doesn’t want her to worry, but sometimes, he just wants it to end.  

 

* * *

 

Two days into the winter semester, Gray meets a boy.  

“Anyone sitting here?”  

Gray looks up from his textbook to see a guy with curly brown hair and glasses, gesturing to the seat next to Gray and giving him a wide smile. He’s got a pierced ear and a tattoo on his arm, and when Gray shakes his head, the guy gives him a wide smile that makes Gray’s stomach do something funny.  

“I’m Joel,” the guy says, hand warm in Gray’s as he shakes it.  

Gray’s about to introduce himself as Ellie, but something in him is bold. “I’m Gray,” he says out loud for the first time in his life.  

It feels so right.  

“That’s a cool name,” Joel says, and Gray stammers out an awkward  _thank you_ before the professor starts talking.  

The next day after class, Joel asks Gray out for coffee.  

“There’s a great place just off campus,” he says, tucking his hands in his pockets and giving Gray the stomach-twisting smile again. “They have the best pumpkin pie.”  

So Gray says yes, and they stay at the café until it closes, talking over several cups of coffee and shared slices of pie and cake. Joel’s two years older than Gray, and he’s impressed that Gray’s in such an advanced course with him. His praise makes Gray’s cheeks hot, but it also ignites something in him that he thought was gone.   

After their date, Gray wants to call Natsu and tell him about it, because Natsu’s his best friend, but he just stares at the number on his phone until he falls asleep.  

 _I met someone,_ he types out eventually in a text.  _I know we said that’s okay, but I just wanted to let you know._ Then he adds,  _I miss you,_ but changes his mind at the last minute and deletes it before he hits ‘send.’  

It takes Natsu a while to respond, but when he does it’s enthusiastic.  _im_ _so excited_ _for_ _you._ _you deserve to be happy._ _i_ _miss_ _you_ _tons and hopefully_ _i_ _can visit soon and meet him! xo_  

The idea of Natsu meeting Joel makes Gray feel uneasy for some reason. 

Joel kisses Gray for the first time a week after they meet, pressed up against the wall behind their classroom. Gray tries hard not to compare it to Natsu – nothing will ever be the same as their first kiss at the lake, and Joel is so enthusiastic. It makes Gray feel needed.  

Two weeks later they sleep together, in Joel’s apartment while his roommates are out. Gray’s terrified of Joel seeing his body, but Joel ignores Gray’s apologies and kisses him everywhere. Gray doesn’t tell Joel that it’s his first time. He’d always thought it would be with Natsu, and part of him feels guilty that it isn’t. It hurts more than he thought it would, but it makes Joel so happy, and he tells Gray how gorgeous he is over and over.   

“I like you just like this,” he says when they’re curled up afterward and he’s combing his fingers through Gray’s hair. 

Not long after they meet, they go on a double date with Erza and Jellal, and Joel charms both of them with funny stories and sweet words. He holds Gray’s hand under the table in the restaurant, ordering for him and paying for enough wine to get Gray tipsy enough to kiss him in public.  

“I love you,” Joel says, a month after they start dating.  

Gray’s so surprised that he doesn’t say anything at first, just stares, but when Joel gives him a concerned look, he eventually whispers, “I love you, too.” 

Gray takes down the picture of him and Natsu the next day. 


	9. infatuation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel's jealous of how much Gray texts Natsu, and Natsu and Erza are concerned about how much time Gray's spending with Joel.

_sleepovers_

in·fat·u·a·tion | \ in-ˌfa-chə-ˈwā-shən   
noun   
:a feeling of foolish or obsessively strong love for, admiration for, or interest in someone or something   
:strong and unreasoning attachment 

**.**

**iv**   
**april**   
**five years ago**

**.**

“Why are you always on your phone?” 

Joel’s voice is sullen, and when Gray looks up, Joel’s brow is furrowed in annoyance. Gray glances over at the TV where Joel’s playing ‘Halo,’ then back down at his screen. 

“Sorry,” he says, “I’m just texting Natsu, I wasn—” 

Joel reaches over and grabs the phone from Gray’s hands, tossing it to the end of the couch. Gray sits there for a moment, stunned. 

“What the hell?” Gray asks after a second. He tries to reach out and pick up the phone, but Joel’s legs are over his, and Joel shifts so that Gray can’t move away. “What’s your deal?” 

There’s a tense moment before Joel sighs, and Gray watches his expression turn from irritated to disappointed. “You’d rather talk to him than me,” Joel says, looking away from Gray and down at the controller on his lap. 

“Hey, no, that’s not true,” Gray says, anger immediately dissipating. He reaches over and grabs Joel’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “I’m sorry, I just thought—I haven’t talked to him in a while.” 

It’s true. Since Joel and Gray started dating three months ago, it’s been harder and harder for Gray to make time for Natsu. Joel likes to hang out with Gray in the evenings, and Gray doesn't blame him – they're both in school all day long, and it’s nice to relax together. 

“I know,” Joel says, running his fingers over Gray’s. “It just feels like... you wish you were still with him, not me.” 

The statement hits harder than Gray would like to admit. Joel is amazing, and he makes Gray feel special and loved, but there’s a tiny part of Gray that still lights up every time he gets a text or e-mail from Natsu. 

“He’s my best friend,” Gray insists, trying to push those thoughts away. Joel deserves better than that. 

“But I’m your boyfriend,” Joel says, and Gray’s stomach immediately twists with guilt. “It makes me feel shitty when you text him instead of talking to me.” 

Gray looks down at the discarded phone, then back at Joel, whose expression is downcast. “I’m sorry,” he says again. 

Joel’s eyes search Gray’s face, and then he picks up the phone and opens it to Gray’s message history with Natsu. Gray’s eyes widen and he reaches out unconsciously to take the phone back. 

“You have something to hide?” Joel asks, looking at him suspiciously, and just like that, the edge is back to his voice. Gray shakes his head and Joel turns back to the phone. His face hardens as he reads back through the messages, and Gray desperately tries to think of what could be in there that’s making Joel upset. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks as Joel’s hand tightens around his. 

“He’s still in love with you,” Joel says, voice low. He flips the phone around to Gray and points to a text from a few weeks ago. 

_we went to the lake here last night and watched the stars. thought of you, i miss u so much xo_

“W-we...” Gray’s about to explain about the stars and the lake and their old summer traditions, but Joel’s not listening, just scrolling back through message after message. The further back he goes, the tighter his grip becomes on Gray’s hand. 

“Are you still in love with him?” Joel asks eventually. 

Gray shakes his head vehemently. “No, I—I love _you,_ we’ve just...” 

“This doesn’t feel like you love me,” Joel says softly. He scrolls back down to the last few messages and re-reads them. 

Natsu: _i got a summer job here but i talked to erza about coming back to visit in june after my exams_

Gray: _Really?_

Natsu: _yeah : ) maybe we can go out to the lake or something <3_

Gray: _That would be awesome. I miss you so much._

Gray frowns, looking between the phone and Joel. “I don’t unders—” 

“You didn’t tell me about this.” Joel’s squeezing Gray’s hand so tightly that it’s starting to hurt. “You’re making plans with him behind my back?” 

“What?” Gray winces, trying to pull his hand away, but Joel won’t let go. “That’s not for another two months, nothing’s for sure, why—” 

“You’re supposed to tell me these things!” Joel protests, face drawn in disappointment. “How can I trust you if you’re keeping secrets from me with your ex?” 

“I didn’t—” 

“You did, don’t lie to me!” Joel tosses the phone onto the floor and digs his fingers dig harder into the back of Gray’s hand. 

“Joel, stop it, you’re hurting me!” 

Joel immediately lets go of Gray’s hand and Gray pulls back from him, staring down at the bright red marks on his hand and wrist as the blood rushes back to the skin. 

“Gray, baby, I’m sorry,” Joel says gently, reaching out to take Gray’s hand. “Hey, c’mon, lemme see.” He runs his thumb over the marks, then brings Gray’s fingers to his lips and kisses the marks. “It’s not that bad, honey.” 

“I...” 

Joel sighs. “I didn’t mean to,” he murmurs. He pulls Gray into his arms and rubs his thumb over the back of Gray’s hand. “I just get so upset, I… I don’t wanna lose you, and when you do stuff like that, it makes me feel…” 

A wave of guilt rushes over Gray. “I’m sorry,” he says softly, pressing his forehead to Joel’s shoulder. “I should have said something.” 

“It’s okay,” Joel says, kissing Gray’s head and running a hand down his back. “Just don’t lie to me, okay? I love you. I don’t wanna get upset.” 

“I love you, too,” Gray says, wrapping his arms around Joel’s waist and snuggling up to him. 

They sit like that for a long time, and eventually Joel reaches down and passes Gray’s phone back to him. He doesn’t say anything about the crack across the screen, and Gray doesn’t mention it. 

* * *

Natsu [11:38] _i think i can drive up on the 13th, does that work for you? xo_

Gray [12:20] _I think so, let me talk to Joel._

* * *

“You’re bailing on movie night again?” 

Erza stands in the door to the kitchen, hair pulled up in a messy bun, arms crossed over her chest. Gray hates the look she’s giving him, and he forces himself to ignore it and focus on tying his laces. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, looking at his watch. “I know it’s really last-minute, but Joel asked me to—” 

“It’s _always_ last minute,” Erza interrupts. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.” 

Gray sighs, standing up and running his fingers through his hair. “Erza, I live here,” he says patiently, gesturing down the hallway to his room. “I see you every day.” 

“Saying _hey, have a good day_ while you’re staring at your phone and leaving the apartment doesn’t count as seeing you,” Erza says, shaking her head. “I miss you.” 

“You have Jellal,” Gray says sullenly, leaning back against the door. He’s supposed to meet Joel in twenty minutes, and Joel hates being late. 

“Ellie.” Erza’s voice is kinder than Gray expects, and when he looks up at her, he can’t really read her expression. “You’re one of my best friends. I just miss spending time with you.” 

Gray fiddles with the buttons on his shirt – it was a birthday gift from Joel, a dark blue that matches his eyes. It fits just right over the binder they ordered online, and it makes Gray feel _right._

“Does Joel... not like us?” Erza asks gently, and Gray looks up at her quickly. 

“What? Why would you ask that?” Gray asks, frowning. 

“He just doesn’t seem to want to come over here,” Erza says, pulling her hair out of its bun and combing it out, then starting to braid it. “I mean, you guys have been dating for what – four months? And I feel like we’ve seen him maybe twice?” 

Gray groans, tipping his head back and staring at the patterns on the ceiling. “Please don’t lecture me, I’m getting enough of that from Natsu.” Erza gives Gray a look and he rolls his eyes. _“You’re moving so fast, we never talk anymore, blah blah blah –_ look, he _left._ You _wanted_ me to move on, and I am, and now you’re giving me shit about it!” 

Erza gives Gray a look that, a year ago, would have had him cowering. Now he glares right back at her, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“I’m not giving you shit about anything,” Erza says, stepping forward and reaching out for Gray. He grumbles, but lets her pull him closer. “I’m happy that you’re happy. So’s Natsu.” 

“Doesn’t feel like it,” Gray mumbles. 

Erza doesn’t say anything, just hugs him tighter and presses a kiss to his head. She smells like popcorn, and for a minute, Gray feels guilty. Then he remembers that Joel is waiting for him. 

“I’m sorry, I gotta go,” he says, pulling back and squeezing Erza’s hands. “Next weekend we’ll do movie night, okay?” 

“Promise?” Erza asks, and Gray nods absently. 

“Yeah. Promise.” 

* * *

Natsu [13:49] _hey, how’d your calc test go? we still good to talk tmw? xo_

Natsu [18:33] _elllllllie. ells. ell-e-phant. answer your phooooone._

Natsu [20:14] _seriously, whats up with you? i miss you_

Natsu [21:22] _erza says you bailed on her again – dude, whats going on?_

Natsu [23:56] _im gonna spam you with cute kittens until you answer me_

Natsu [22:57] _attachment .gif_

Natsu [22:58] _attachment .gif_

Natsu [22:59] _attachment .gif_

Natsu [23:00] _attachment .gif_

Natsu [23:23] _its 11:11 so i wished for my best friend to text me... <3_

Gray [01:34] _Heyy sry was at a partty, dunno if we can call tmw but I miss you too <3 _

* * *

By the time they leave the party, it’s almost two in the morning, so Gray crashes at Joel’s place. His roommates are both asleep, and as soon as Joel closes the bedroom door behind them, he grabs Gray around the waist and nudges him onto the bed. 

“You look fuckin’ hot as hell,” Joel murmurs against Gray’s skin, hands slipping up under Gray’s shirt and rubbing circles on his back. Gray’s exhausted and still pretty drunk, but he hums and lets Joel kiss his neck. “All my friends are jealous, y’know.” 

“Hmm?” Gray blinks at Joel blearily as Joel pushes him back and hovers over him, fingers tugging at the buttons of Gray’s shirt. 

“I saw Seth staring at your ass,” Joel says, settling between Gray’s legs and pressing down against him. “He was checkin’ you out all night.” 

“’s cause you bought me nice jeans,” Gray mumbles, rubbing his eyes and yawning. Then he frowns, tipping his head back so he can see Joel’s face a bit clearer. “Do… do any of them know I’m…” 

Joel shakes his head. “Babe, nobody thinks you’re a girl.” He runs his fingers through Gray’s close-cropped hair and tugs on it gently, tipping his head to the side to press kisses across his throat. “You’re not a girl.” 

Gray nods, then runs his hands down to Joel’s hips, stilling the way he’s grinding against Gray. 

“What’s wrong?” Joel asks, pulling back and frowning. 

“I…” Gray chews his lip. “I’ve been thinking.” He hesitates. “About, like… hormones and stuff. Or surgery, I dunno.” 

Joel sits up, studying Gray’s face before running his hands up Gray’s stomach to the edge of his binder. “You wanna get rid of these?” he teases, slipping his fingers under the tight fabric. Gray gives him a half-hearted glare and knees him gently in the ribs. 

“Yeah,” he says. “I just… I dunno how to talk to my dad about it.” 

Gray’s parents still think he’s a girl, and Gray doesn’t know if he can tell them. His dad’s the pastor in Magnolia now, and Gray’s pretty sure his sermons don’t include love for people like Gray. 

“Fuck ‘em,” Joel says. His words are slurred from drinking but his gaze is intent. Gray frowns. Joel’s met his parents, once, and Gray’s mom adored him. “They… if they don’t like who you are, then they shouldn’t be in your life.” 

“But…” Gray pushes himself up on his elbows and shakes his head, trying to clear it. “They’re my parents.” 

“If they don’t love you for who you are, who cares what they think?” Joel argues. He runs his hands back down to Gray’s sides and squeezes. “I love you just like this.” 

“I know,” Gray says softly, tugging Joel down for a kiss. “And I wanna be _me,_ all the time.” 

Gray hasn’t really mentioned the idea of actually transitioning to anyone else. With everyone other than Joel, he’s still Ellie, even though he's tried over and over again to tell Natsu. It just never comes out right, and he ends up deleting the words before he can send them. 

“You can always be who you are with me,” Joel says, pressing their foreheads together. “Hey, y’know... y’know what? We should live together. Then... you can be you all the time.” 

Gray blinks in surprise, trying to pull back to look at Joel, but Joel shakes his head and kisses Gray again instead. He tastes like cheap beer and cigarettes, and his stubble scratches Gray’s bottom lip. Gray sighs, sinking back into the mattress. 

“Okay,” he says against Joel’s lips. “Yeah. Let’s... talk about it in the mornin’.” 

* * *

_Natsu – 2hrs ago_   
_Missed Call_

_Natsu – 1hr ago_   
_Missed Call_

_Natsu – 38min ago_   
_Missed Call_

_Natsu – 12min ago_   
_12 Messages_

_Natsu – 2min ago_   
_Missed Call_


	10. complication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu shows up again, and Gray doesn't know what to do.

_you and i both have to hide, where i can't be yours and you can't be mine_

com· pli· ca· tion | \ ˌkäm-plə-ˈkā-shən  
noun  
: a difficult factor or issue often appearing unexpectedly and changing existing plans, methods, or attitudes

**.**

**x**  
**april**

**.**

“Gray! New table for you in section three!”

Gray sighs, rubbing his face and nodding at Jeremy. It’s busy today – even though the lunch rush is almost over, the restaurant is still packed, and Gray’s both exhausted and hungover. He wipes at the sweat running down the back of his neck before washing his hands and heading out into the front of the restaurant.

“Good afternoon, welcome to...”

Gray trails off as he realizes that the person sitting in his section is Natsu.

_Shit._

There’s an awkward silence as they stare at each other, and then Gray’s eyes flick across the table to a vaguely familiar blond man in a police uniform.

Gray’s stomach immediately drops and he’s sure he’s going to throw up.

“Gray, right?” The man smiles at him, and Gray realizes with relief that it’s just Natsu’s friend from the bachelor party last night. He rearranges his face into something neutral while he desperately tries to remember the man’s name. Stan? Stiles? Sting.

“Y-yeah,” Gray says after a second. He can feel Natsu staring at him, and Gray’s suddenly incredibly conscious of the faint red mark across his cheek. “Sorry, I, uh—there was a mistake, I...”

Gray’s vision blurs and for a terrifying moment he thinks he might pass out. He catches himself on the table, refusing to meet Natsu’s gaze, then turns around and all but runs back into the kitchen. His heart is pounding, and he leans back against the wall near the staff room, taking deep breaths.

“What are you—Gray? Are you okay?”

A gentle hand lands on Gray’s arm and he’s about to shrug it off when he realizes that it’s just Lucy.

“Sorry,” he says, leaning back against the wall and taking a deep breath. “I just—I...” His hands won’t stop shaking and he clenches them into fists, digging his nails into his palms to try and focus. “Can you take my new table?”

Lucy looks out across the restaurant, then back to Gray. “The cop and the guy with the pink hair?” she asks, and he nods, crossing his arms over his chest. Lucy sighs. “Are you in trouble?”

Gray sighs, forcing himself to look up at Lucy and give her a wry smile. “It’s silly,” he says, trying to keep his voice even. “He’s my ex – the guy with the pink hair – we haven’t talked in a while and it’s just...”

“Gotcha.” Lucy squeezes Gray’s hand and gives him a grin. “Want me to spit in his drink?”

Gray manages a laugh as he shakes his head. “I appreciate it,” he says, “but he’s not actually a bad guy. I just don’t think I can handle him right now. He’s... a lot.”

“Uhuh.” Lucy rolls her eyes. “You’ve met my ex, I know a thing or two about ‘a lot.’ I’ve got this.” Then she squeezes Gray’s arm and heads out to the front of the restaurant.

 

* * *

 

Gray manages to avoid Natsu’s questioning gaze for the rest of the lunch rush, and when he and Sting finally leave, Gray breathes a sigh of relief.

“Honestly, I think you downgraded,” Lucy says, appearing behind Gray in the break room and sitting down on the couch. “He’s cute.” She holds out a piece of paper to Gray and he groans, grabbing it before slumping down on one of the chairs.

“What does he want?” he grumbles, unfolding the note.

_I swear I'm not stalking you, I had no idea you worked here. I hope you got home ok last night. I’m gonna be hanging out at Second Beach this evening, I'd love to see you again while we’re both sober. xo_

Gray groans, dropping his head into his hands. After Joel had fallen asleep last night, Gray had read Natsu’s note one last time, then burned it and washed the ashes down the sink. The fifty dollars is hidden in his work locker, tucked in the sleeve of his extra shirt.

A touch on Gray’s wrist drags him out of his reverie and he looks up to see Lucy crouched down in front of him.

“I’m fine,” he says immediately, and she rolls her eyes at him.

“Go,” she says, gesturing to the note. “Yes, I’m nosy, and no, you’re not fine.” When Gray tries to protest, she shakes her head. “How many times have you covered for me when the twins have been sick, Gray? I owe you.”

“But I—”

“If Joel shows up, I’ll text you.” The look Lucy gives him is so _knowing_ that Gray feels his cheeks start to burn. He glances down at where Lucy’s hand is resting on his arm – over the bruises that are hidden by the fabric of his shirt.

“I can’t,” Gray says softly. Lucy takes both of Gray’s hands in hers and squeezes them.

“Gray,” she says gently, “I just want to help.”

“I don’t need help,” he insists. A spark of anger ignites in the midst of his fear, and he pulls his hands away from her, pushing the chair back and standing up. “Everything’s fine. I just don’t want to see my stupid ex.”

Lucy sighs, pushing herself up to her feet. “Okay,” she says, pulling her hair back into a messy bun and straightening her apron. “But if you change your mind, I’m here.”

 

* * *

 

Despite spending the rest of his shift convincing himself to ignore Natsu’s note, Gray finds himself walking down to Second Beach later that afternoon. Joel’s working until nine, so Gray calls and tells him the closest thing to the truth that he can – he's taking Bella to the beach to meet Lucy and the boys.

He convinces himself that the only reason he’s going is to apologize for his drunken mistake. It’ll be the last time they talk, because he promised Joel, and Joel trusts Gray, even when he doesn’t deserve it.

“You came!” Natsu’s face lights up as soon as he sees Gray, and he runs across the sand, dropping down to a crouch in front of Bella. She’s already hyper, so she launches herself at Natsu and starts licking his face while her tail whips back and forth.

“Bella, sit,” Gray says half-heartedly, but Natsu’s grinning and rubbing behind her ears and telling her what a good girl she is, so she ignores Gray in favor of the attention.

Eventually Gray gives up and just watches them. Considering it’s been five years, Natsu looks remarkably similar. His hair’s longer and his ears are pierced, but his smile is the same. He’s still got those freckles on his shoulders that Gray used to kiss, and the scar on his neck from the time his brother pushed him into a barbed wire fence, and...

Gray stops himself and looks away before Natsu can catch him staring.

Eventually Natsu stands up and tucks his hands into his pockets, then raises an eyebrow at Gray. “How’s your head?”

Gray snorts, tucking his hair behind his ear and shrugging. “Could be worse,” he says. “You?”

Natsu laughs, tipping his head up to watch a flock of gulls fighting each other over the scraps of somebody’s lunch. “I’ll live,” he says eventually. “I, uh... definitely haven’t had that much to drink in a while.”

Gray sighs, wishing he could just avoid this conversation entirely. “Me neither,” he says quickly. “I’m sorry I led you on. I wasn’t thinking, and I was surprised, and—”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Natsu interrupts, shaking his head. “I just... I was worried about you.”

“Well, don’t be,” Gray snaps. He exhales slowly, then shakes his head. “Sorry. It’s been a long day.”

Natsu nods, and they both stand in silence for a minute before Natsu gestures to a bench not far from them. “Can we... talk?”

“Aren’t they gonna miss you?” Gray asks, gesturing to a group of guys down at the edge of the water. He can see Sting’s spiky blond hair again – he's not in uniform, now – and a few other people that Gray vaguely recognizes from the bar last night.

“They’ll live,” Natsu says, reaching out for Gray’s hand. Gray pulls away from him, wrapping Bella’s leash around his wrist, and Natsu sighs. “Fuck, sorry. Can we... please?”

As soon as they sit down on the bench, Bella leans her head back into both of their laps, tongue lolling out of her mouth as she begs them to pet her. Natsu laughs, stroking the soft fur on top of her nose.

“What do you want to talk about?” Gray asks softly, watching a little girl chase the waves out along the beach, then giggle and run back to her mother, leaving wet footprints behind to get washed away by the next tide.

“I missed you,” Natsu says, looking sideways at Gray.

Gray snorts. “You’ve got a funny way of showing it,” he mutters, and when Natsu gives him a puzzled look, he rolls his eyes. “I haven’t heard from you in _years,”_ Gray says, and he can’t help the bitterness that seeps into his voice. “You barely even recognized me.”

“I... what?” Natsu sounds genuinely confused, and Gray looks over at him, frowning. “Ellie, I—”

“Gray.”

“Gray, shit, sorry,” Natsu says, shaking his head. “You’re the one who stopped talking to _me.”_ He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. “Erza and I—”

“Seriously?” Gray’s trying hard to keep his voice down, but hurt and anger are coloring his words. “You both stopped talking to me when I told you I was moving here with Joel, so—”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Natsu looks so taken aback that Gray stops mid-sentence and stares at him. “You told me ‘hope life treats you well,’ then never texted me again!”

“...what?”

“Look!”

Natsu holds out his phone and Gray stares down at it, then back up at Natsu again.

“No, I...” Gray closes his eyes and runs his hand over his face. This is a mistake. He shouldn’t be here. “I have to go.”

He stands up and Natsu makes a soft sound of protest, reaching out and grabbing his wrist. Gray tries to mask a wince as he pulls away, glaring at Natsu. He doesn’t miss the way Natsu’s eyes quickly drop to his arm.

“Gray, please,” Natsu says, standing up as well. He doesn’t reach out again, but his eyes are sad. “This isn’t right, something—I didn’t abandon you, I swear to god, you have to believe me.”

“I don’t _have_ to do anything,” Gray says, tugging on Bella’s leash. She whines at him, thumping her tail in the sand. “You can’t just show up after five years of not talking to me—”

“I have texted you a hundred times!” Natsu insists, holding out his phone again. “Gray, I don’t know what’s going on, but I promise, I— ”

Gray shakes his head, taking another step backward. He needs to leave. He promised Joel, and Natsu is dangerous. He’s the spark that’s going to burn down everything Gray has built over the last five years.

“Gray, look at me,” Natsu begs, putting his hands out placatingly. “Please, I just—something doesn’t feel right, and I’m scared for you... you’re not acting like yourself—”

“You don’t _know_ me!” Gray shouts. Bella looks back and forth between the two of them and lets out a soft, rumbling _woof,_ then settles down next to Gray. People are starting to stare, and Gray can’t cry, not here. “There’s nothing wrong with me, just leave me alone.”

“Please,” Natsu whispers, and Gray stares at the ground. He doesn’t want to see the confused, pitying look on Natsu’s face. “I just want to help.”

“I don’t _need_ help,” Gray says, fingers tightening on Bella’s leash.

“You... c’mon, Gray, you’ve got bruises, and you were crying, what the hell am I supposed to think?”

“I was drunk and I fucked up,” Gray insists. “This was a mistake. I have to go.” He doesn’t look at Natsu as he whispers, “please leave me alone.”

Then he turns on his heel and walks away, biting his lips as hard as he can and trying not to cry.


	11. isolate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray's excited to move away with Joel, but Natsu's not answering him and Erza thinks he's making a mistake.

_it's as simple as can be_  

iso·late | \ ˈī-sə-ˌlāt   
transitive verb   
**:** to set apart from others 

 **.**  

 **v**    
**may**    
**five years ago**  

 **.**  

Three weeks before the end of spring semester, Joel shows up at Gray’s place with a bouquet of flowers and an announcement.   

“I got a job back in Crocus,” he says as Gray searches the kitchen for a vase for the flowers. They’re soft, pink roses with petals that feel like silk under Gray’s fingertips. “At Ekhart and Wilson.”  

“Really?” Gray turns to Joel with raised eyebrows – that’s been Joel’s dream since he started college. “That’s awesome.” Joel grins at Gray, then pulls him into his arms and kisses Gray’s forehead. 

“I start in July, after I graduate,” Joel says, wrapping his arms around Gray’s waist and looking at him seriously. “So you’ll have time to talk to your guidance counsellor about transferring credits.”  

“Transferring?” Gray asks, frowning. Joel rolls his eyes good-naturedly.  

“To the college in Crocus,” he says. “I already found us an apartment – it’s downtown, right near the campus and the office. You’re gonna love it.” He runs his fingers through Gray’s hair, giving him a fond look.  

“An apartment?” Gray says, starting to feel a bit off-kilter. “You mean – moving with you? To Crocus?”  

Joel gives him a hurt look. “You said you wanted to live together, remember?”  

“I do,” Gray says quickly, trying to regain his equilibrium. The words are starting to make sense, but it feels a bit like the floor is tipping out from beneath him. They’ve been talking about finding a place – as much as Gray loves Erza and Jellal, this is their home, not his. But… “I just thought you meant here.”  

Joel sighs, ruffling Gray’s hair. “There’s nowhere for me to work here, silly.” Gray nods – Elmsworth is a pretty small town. There’s not much here except the college, a few crappy diners, and the bowling alley.  

“I...” Gray hesitates, chewing his lip. Crocus is hours from here, and even further from his parents. He hasn’t seen them much lately, though – he’d tested the waters with his dad by talking about a hypothetical trans friend, and the response had been... chilly.  

“I’d have insurance at the new job,” Joel adds, giving Gray a significant look. Gray frowns at him, and Joel adds, “it would help could cover hormones, if you wanted them. Or surgery.”  

Gray freezes. “Seriously?” he asks, and Joel gives him a wide smile, squeezing his hands. “You mean…”  

“We can have a new start,” Joel says. “Just you and me.”   

 

* * *

 

[June 11] 

Natsu [19:32]  _i miss you, ells. i hope things are good for you._  

Gray [23:35]  _Things are great. I’m moving to Crocus with Joel in a couple weeks._  

 

[June 13] 

Natsu [02:59]  _wow thats a big step! im happy for you_  

 

[June 14]  

Gray [03:33]  _I'm excited but a bit nervous. I told my mom today and she was happy because she loves Joel but sad because it’s so far away._  

Gray [03:34]  _They ran into a problem with my credit transfer so I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to go back to school in the fall. I might have to work for a year, but Joel says there’s lots of jobs in Crocus so hopefully I can find something._  

Gray [04:22]  _I’m sorry about the trip. I really wanted to see you_ _._  

Gray [04:43]  _I know you’re probably in bed but I can’t sleep, I've been sitting here staring at my phone for hours. I think it’s because I’m excited/nervous about the move._  

Gray [05:01]  _Maybe we can meet halfway at Christmas break? I can’t believe we haven’t seen each other in a year. I’m sorry I haven’t been around much lately. I know Erza’s worried about me moving with Joel and maybe you are too, I just want you guys to trust me. Please?_  

Gray [06:54]  _I miss you so much._  

 

* * *

 

Gray finally falls asleep around seven, but he still wakes up before Joel does, just after eleven. As soon as he reads through his late-night messages to Natsu, he groans and quickly sends one more.  

 

Gray [11:17]  _Sorry, sleep deprived me is sappy. I'll let you know when we get settled in Crocus and maybe we can Skype._  

 

Joel makes a soft sound in his sleep, rolling over and throwing an arm over Gray’s waist. Gray brushes Joel’s hair from his face, squeezing his eyes shut as a wave of guilt washes over him.   

He deletes all the texts, then throws his phone on the side table and wakes Joel up with a kiss.  

 

* * *

 

Natsu doesn’t answer. A week goes by, and Gray texts him a couple more times, but it’s as if Natsu’s disappeared. Gray’s pretty sure he’s pissed because they’re moving right before Natsu was planning to come to town, but Natsu’s never stopped talking to him before.  

Gray’s tempted to ask Erza if she’s heard from Natsu, but once he tells her that he’s moving away with Joel, she turns into somebody that he doesn’t want to be around anymore.  

“Ellie, you’ve only known him for a few months,” she says as he’s putting his things into boxes. She’s leaning against his bedroom door, arms crossed over her chest, eyes serious. “It just seems…”  

“Erza,” Gray groans, rubbing his face and turning to look at her.  

“Don’t give me that look,” she says, scowling at him. “It’s just… you just started your degree, and you don’t know anybody in Crocus, and—”  

“Natsu didn’t know anyone at Danston either,” Gray argues.  

“That’s not—”  

“I’m not a little kid,” he continues, waving away whatever she’d been going to say. “I don’t understand why you guys can’t just be happy for me.”  

Erza sighs, pulling a strand of hair over her shoulder and coiling it around her finger. Gray turns back to his packing, wishing he could will Erza away with angry thoughts.  

“I think you’re making a mistake,” Erza says softly. “I feel like you sho—”  

“It’s a good thing I don’t need your permission then, isn’t it?” Gray snaps, shoving several pairs of old jeans into a duffel bag. He hears Erza’s sharp intake of breath and he refuses to look at her. He can’t deal with the disappointed expression that he knows is on her face.  

“Ellie, please,” Erza whispers, but Gray shakes his head.  

“I thought you’d be supportive,” he says quietly, swallowing hard to keep himself from crying. “You and Natsu, b-both of you...”  

He looks up when Erza crouches down beside him and wraps her arms around him. “It’s... I just feel like I’m being left behind,” she says. “Natsu, and you, and I’ve got Jellal, but...”  

Gray leans against her, reaching up and covering her hand with his own as he swallows down both guilt and frustration. “I’m sorry,” he says, but he’s not sure if that’s true.  

“Me too,” she says, kissing his head.  

They sit on the floor of his room for a long time, until his phone buzzes with a text from Joel, and Erza gets up silently and heads back to the kitchen.  

 

* * *

 

 

[June 21] 

Gray [02:45]  ~~_Please answer me_ ~~

Gray: [02:45] _~~I  need you~~ _

Gray [02:47] _~~I’m angry~~ _

Gray [02:48] _~~I miss you~~_

Gray [02:49] ~~_I love you_ ~~

Gray [02:50] _~~Don’t abandon me~~   _

Gray [04:43]  _We’re leaving tomorrow. The address is 6 Willowdale Crescent, Apartment 503._  

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Erza says, hugging Gray tightly and kissing his forehead. “Take care of yourself, okay?”  

“I will,” Gray says, leaning back and giving Erza what he hopes is a reassuring smile. “You worry too much.”  

“I worry just the right amount,” Erza replies, shaking her head and glancing over at where Joel is sitting in the front seat of his car. Everything in Gray’s life has been easily reduced to two cardboard boxes and a duffel bag that fits neatly in the trunk.  

“I’ll text you when we get there,” Gray says, and Erza nods, then gives him a serious look.  

“Ellie, I just wanna make sure you—”  

“Don’t.” Gray feels the fondness in his chest start to dissolve into irritation. “No more lectures. Please? This is what I want.” 

Erza studies Gray’s face carefully. “Okay,” Erza says finally. “Just... be careful.”  

Gray nods, squeezing Erza’s hands one last time before letting go and heading over to the car.  

“You ready, babe?” Joel asks, leaning over and catching Gray’s lips in a kiss. Gray hums happily, kissing Joel back and then settling into his seat as Joel puts the car in reverse and pulls out of Erza and Jellal’s driveway.  

“Yeah,” Gray says, squeezing Joel’s hand and watching Elmsworth fly past them as they start the journey to Crocus. “Yeah, I am.”  


	12. suspicion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray faces a truth that he doesn't want to deal with. Sting and Natsu both try to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for discussion of abuse/emotional reactions to abuse, suicidal thoughts

_being good isn’t always easy_

sus·pi·cion | \ sə-ˈspi-shən  
noun  
**:** a state of mental uneasiness and uncertainty

**.**

**xi**  
**july**

**.**

“How many times do I have to block these goddamn assholes?”

Lucy tosses her phone down on the table in the break room, and Gray peeks over to see a toll-free number flashing across the screen. He frowns, taking another bite of his sandwich and pulling his legs up under him on the chair.

“Who is it?”

“One of those stupid scams,” Lucy grumbles, pulling her hair back into a ponytail, then grabbing her coffee from the counter. _“You’ve won an all-expenses paid vacation,_ blah, blah.” She rolls her eyes, then picks up the phone and opens up her call history. “I’ve blocked like... eight different numbers, but they keep finding new ones.”

Gray watches as she taps the number, then scrolls down and clicks ‘block.’

His stomach twists, like the floor’s disappeared from beneath him and he’s in free-fall.

“Anyway,” Lucy says, tucking her phone back in her pocket. “Are you and Joel coming to the barbecue next week?”

The words are just background noise to the sudden jumbled mess in Gray’s mind. A hundred thoughts float through his brain, and he jumps so quickly from surprise to suspicion to disbelief that it’s almost dizzying. Eventually he settles on unease.

“Graaay .” Lucy waves a hand in front of his face and he blinks, shaking his head. “Dude, you’re so out of it lately. You okay?”

“Fine,” he says automatically. “Just tired.”

_Would Joel seriously... no. That’s ridiculous._

“How’s your shoulder?” Lucy asks, and Gray forces himself to focus on their conversation.

“Better,” he says carefully. It seems like an innocent question, but Lucy is sharp. Gray knows that she suspects something, but they’re both good at pretending.

Some days, Gray can almost convince himself that everything is fine. Natsu’s gone – they haven’t talked since that day at the beach, and Gray’s spent the last few months shoving the hurt and longing deep down where he doesn’t have to feel it.

Gray is loyal to Joel. Joel loves him. Joel takes care of him.

“You get the car fixed?” Lucy asks, swirling the dregs of her coffee before draining the cup in one long gulp. The AC rumbles in the background as it kicks into high gear – the summer has been sweltering, and Gray’s already wishing it was September.

He blinks at Lucy’s question, and she frowns at him. “The car,” she repeats. “You got rear-ended? Joel said the bumper was cracked.”

 _Oh,_ Gray thinks.

“Yeah,” he lies. “Insurance got figured out.”

The car is just fine. Nobody rear-ended them. Joel had been driving and yelling, and had slammed on the brakes hard enough to lock the seatbelt and bruise Gray’s shoulder. He’d said later that it was because he saw a cat crossing the street.

Gray wants to believe him.

Eventually, Lucy’s break is up and she heads back to the front of the restaurant. As soon as she disappears, Gray pulls his phone from his pocket. The only notification is an e-mail from the grocery store savings program, and he numbly swipes it open and deletes it.

He clicks on his contacts, then scrolls down to Natsu’s name. It’s still there under his old number, and Gray hesitates for just a second before clicking on the three little dots next to it.

_773-555-3556_

_Unblock number_

Gray stares at the phone until the words start to blur, and he realizes his hands are shaking and he’s barely breathing.

“No,” he whispers, finger hovering over the message before clicking ‘unblock.’

He quickly goes back and scrolls to Erza’s name, and part of him isn’t surprised to find the same message. He unblocks her as well, then sets his phone down on the table and covers his mouth with both hands.

“He wouldn’t,” he says to nobody. Nothing feels real. He can’t stop shaking. “H-he… no, there’s another explanation.”

 _There isn’t,_ part of his mind whispers. _He wanted to keep you apart, and it worked._

 

* * *

 

Over the next few weeks, Gray bounces between so many emotions that he’s left worn out and dizzy. At first, he tries to convince himself that it’s a mistake, that maybe something’s wrong with his phone. Or maybe Natsu and Erza blocked _him,_ and somehow that showed up on his end as well.

The angry part of him _knows_ that none of that makes sense, and desperately wants to confront Joel, to ask him _why,_ to make the accusation and deal with the consequences.

The rest of him is terrified, and as much as Gray tries to keep it hidden, he knows he's failing miserably. Lucy’s on his case almost every day, asking why he’s not eating, or why he looks so sick all the time. He feels bad for being so short with her, but he’s too tired to lie, and he can’t tell her the truth.

“You don’t look so great.”

It’s Tuesday afternoon, so Sting is at the restaurant again. He comes in two or three times a week now and orders the same thing every time – coffee and a slice of pie. Gray’s almost certain that Natsu asked Sting to watch out for him, but Sting’s so likeable and friendly that Gray can’t find it in himself to be upset.

“Gray? You okay?” Sting’s frowning at him and Gray blinks, shaking his head.

“Yeah, it’s... I’ve just been sick,” he says. “I’m fine.” He forces himself to smile as he hands Sting his receipt and fills up his coffee.

“Rogue came down with something last week, too,” Sting says. His police radio crackles and Gray jumps at the sound, quickly trying to play the reaction off as an awkward nod while he backs away from the table.

When he comes back later, Sting is gone, his receipt and a few bills tucked under his coffee mug. Gray grabs it all, frowning when he notices something written on the paper. He quickly finishes clearing off the table, then slips into the bathroom, taking the note out and unfolding it.

 

_If you need help and you can’t tell someone, ask me if I want decaf coffee next time I'm here. I'll know what you mean and do what I can to help. People care about you. ~Sting_

 

Gray sits down heavily on the seat of the toilet, reading and re-reading the note. If he wasn’t so exhausted, he’s sure he would feel something, but all he can do is stare numbly at the words.

 _Joel cares about me,_ he thinks, but the thought is fragile – if he tries too hard to believe it, it’ll shatter.

A knock on the door startles him, and he quickly balls up the note, shoving it into the garbage beneath wads of paper towel.

“Gray? You okay?” Lucy sounds concerned, and Gray sighs.

“I’ll be right out, I’m fine,” he says, standing up and staring at his reflection in the mirror. He looks like shit. His hair’s messy and his eyes are red, and he can just see the edge of the bruise on his shoulder with the collar of his shirt open. When he buttons the shirt back up, he notices that his nails are bitten down so far that one of them is bleeding.

“I’m fine,” he whispers again. Maybe if he says it enough times, it’ll eventually be true.

 

* * *

 

Gray has Natsu’s new phone number memorized. He read it a hundred times before he’d burned Natsu’s note from the night at the bar. Now he types it slowly into his phone, feeling a sense of unease and guilt run through him as he opens up a message window.

He shouldn’t be doing this. He promised Joel, said he wouldn’t talk to Natsu, said he’d be good and listen and do the things that make Joel happy.

But Joel said he wouldn’t hit Gray again, so maybe both of their promises mean nothing.

 

Gray [16:45] _Hey. It’s me._

 

A response comes less than two minutes later.

 

Natsu [16:46] _hey! ive been thinking about you, im so happy you texted. you doing okay?_

 

Gray curls up further into the corner of the couch and reaches down to pet Bella. He starts to type out a reply and then hesitates. Joel already has access to Gray’s phone – he occasionally flips through Gray’s texts or e-mails while they’re watching movies or while Gray is cooking. But if Gray deletes the messages, Joel will never know.

 

Gray [16:47] _You were right. Your number was blocked in my phone. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you._

 

Almost immediately after sending the message, his phone starts to ring, and Gray jumps at the sound, heart pounding as he hits the ‘decline’ button. If Natsu’s number shows up on the phone bill…

 

Gray [16:48] _Can’t talk on the phone._

Gray [16:48] _He’ll find out._

 

It hurts to type the words, and it’s even harder to press ‘send.’ Writing it is an admission that Gray’s terrified to make, because it means Natsu is right, and Joel is…

Gray shakes his head, setting his phone down in his lap and rubbing his face with both hands. Bella whines and tips her head back, panting at him until he scratches behind her ears.

 

Natsu [16:49] _are you safe?_

 

The words make Gray want to cry, because there’s no good answer. At the moment? Yes. In an hour, when Joel gets home? Who knows. The uncertainty always stretches Gray thin, anxiety spiraling into panic until the door opens and he can see what kind of day Joel’s had.

Gray groans, tipping his head back into the couch cushions and staring at the patterns on the stipple ceiling. He can see the bouquet Joel bought him last week from the corner of his eye, and he tries to bring back the way he felt when Joel came home with flowers and a bottle of wine, apologizing for being grumpy.

Gray’s phone buzzes again and he stares at the message for a while before responding.

 

Natsu [16:51] _gray, im so glad you reached out, but im really scared for you_

Gray [16:55] _I'm okay right now. He's not home._

Natsu [16:55] _would you tell me if you needed help?_

Gray [16:58] _I’m fine._

Natsu [16:58] _but if you werent, you know im here right?_

Gray [17:00] _You’re three hours away._

Natsu [17:01] _then id be there in 3 hours. if you need me, ill be there. i promise, no matter what._

Natsu [17:01] _if you need someone sooner than 3 hours, this is sting’s phone # and he can help you before i get there_

Natsu [17:01] _Shared Contact: Sting Eucliffe (SE)_

 

Gray clicks on the contact and a local phone number comes up, along with an email and an address. It’s not far from where Gray lives. His thumb hovers over the ‘add contact’ button, then he shakes his head and runs the numbers through his head over and over until he has them memorized.

 

Gray [17:06] _Okay. I have to delete this. You can’t text me or call me. I'll text you when I can._

Natsu [17:06] _take care of yourself. im always, always here._

Gray [17:07] _I know._

 

Then Gray erases the conversation, and deletes the missed call from Natsu as well. Once the words are gone, he feels hollow. Unreal.

He sets his phone on the coffee table and nudges Bella off his legs, then moves over to the dining room table and stares at the flowers. They’re pink roses, soft and sweet in a way that Joel hasn’t been in years.

Pink like the scar that runs across the palm of Gray’s hand, from a broken plate that Joel had thrown.

A sudden, hot, electric shock of anger runs through Gray, and he slams his hands on the table, biting back a scream of frustration. Everything is tangled up inside him, and he lets out a shaky breath as he tries to figure out how to push it all back down again, where everything is separate and safe.

He wants so badly to blame Natsu. Before the night at the bar, none of it was complicated. When Gray was careful, Joel was happy. Most of the time.

It’s not Natsu’s fault, though. It’s Joel’s, and no matter how much Gray tries to ignore it, the quiet, angry part of him knows it’s true.

 _Everybody fights,_ he thinks desperately, digging his fingernails into his palms.

 _Sure, but they don’t have to lie to the ER about why they need stitches,_ the angry part of him argues. _Or lie to their friends. Or themselves._

“Fuck!" Gray shouts, lashing out and knocking the vase off the table. It falls to the floor and shatters into tiny shards of glass and shredded rose petals.

Gray sinks down to his knees and reaches out slowly, picking up the largest broken piece and inspecting its sharp edges. The anger is gone as quickly as it came, and all that’s left behind is a dull detachment.

At least now he doesn’t have to worry about what kind of mood Joel will be in when he gets home.


	13. desperate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel's behavior is unpredictable, and Gray's playing a dangerous game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW for suicidal thoughts, self-harm (cutting), physical abuse (hitting/grabbing). If you would prefer to just read a summary of this chapter, check the notes at the bottom.**

_never knew loving could hurt this good_

des·per·ate | \ ˈde-sp(ə-)rət  
adjective  
**:** having lost hope

**.**

**xii** ****  
**august** ****  
.

Gray can’t do it.

He sits on the floor in the middle of the rose petals and shattered glass, holding the broken pieces and thinking over and over about how much easier it would be if he didn’t have to feel anything. The tangled, confused knots would disappear, would unwind in red patterns that spread across the hardwood.

It wouldn’t hurt anymore.

He lets the glass rest against his skin, traces the blue-and-purple fingerprints on his wrist until they’re outlined with tiny beads of red. But he can't push harder, can't close his eyes, can't end it.

Because it would break Natsu’s heart, and Gray can’t do that to him.

 

* * *

 

When Joel comes home an hour later, Gray’s still sitting on the floor. Gray quickly pulls his sleeve down – the cuts aren’t deep but he doesn’t want Joel to see them. Doesn’t want him to worry. Doesn’t want him to tell Gray that he’s too much to deal with, that he’s broken and needs Joel more than ever.

Gray doesn’t try to hide the mess because it’ll make Joel angry, and Gray can deal with that better than the uncertainty.

“What the hell happened?” Joel asks as he steps into the dining room, work bag still slung over his shoulder, Bella on his heels. “Babe, are you okay?”

Gray looks up at him, confused. Joel’s face is drawn in concern, and he drops his bag on the couch, gesturing for Bella to stay back from the broken glass. He kneels down next to Gray, reaching out for Gray’s hands and wincing in sympathy at the cut on Gray’s thumb.

“C’mere,” Joel says gently, helping Gray to his feet and guiding him carefully out of the disaster. “Are you hurt anywhere else? C’mon, come sit down.” Gray follows him numbly, sitting down on the couch and staring at his hands. Bella jumps up next to him, whining and nudging him to pet her. “Gray, baby, look at me.”

The cuts on his forearms sting under his shirt.

“I...” Gray swallows. The knots are even more tangled now, and he wants to cry. Why isn’t Joel angry? He’s supposed to be yelling. “I’m sorry,” Gray whispers.

“It’s okay,” Joel says. “I know it was an accident, I’m just worried about you.”

He crouches down in front of Gray and touches Gray’s arm through his shirt. Gray can see the dots of blood that have soaked through the fabric, and he winces when Joel rolls up his sleeve.

Gray’s pretty sure he can’t play the cuts off as an accident.

“At least they’re not too deep,” Joel says, running his thumb over Gray’s other wrist. “Stay here, okay? I'm gonna go get the first aid kit.”

Gray stares down at his arm, then looks up at Joel as he heads down the hallway to the bathroom. Bella whines again, and Gray runs his fingers through her fur as his stomach twists with guilt.

Of course Joel’s being kind. He cares about Gray. He’s always been here for Gray, always taken care of him, always loved him. And Gray’s done nothing but lie and fuck up and make Joel worry.

“I’m sorry,” he says again when Joel comes back with the first aid kit. Gray barely feels the sting of the antiseptic Joel dabs onto the cuts, doesn’t wince when Joel presses a bandage over his wrist and rolls his sleeve back down.

Joel shakes his head, taking both of Gray’s hands in his and pressing a kiss to Gray’s knuckles. “It’s okay,” he says, brushing Gray’s hair out of his eyes. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

 _But I did,_ Gray thinks, closing his eyes to keep himself from looking over at his phone. _I did, I fucked up again, I thought about telling Sting, I texted Natsu, I keep breaking your trust again and again._

“You look so tired,” Joel says softly, pressing a kiss to Gray’s forehead. “C’mon, love. Come sleep.”

Gray follows Joel down the hallway to the bed, wiping at his face as Joel tucks the blanket around him and rubs his back. Bella jumps up next to Gray, curling up and resting her head on his arm, and he feels exhaustion pulling him into the mattress.

“I’m sorry,” he says one more time, before letting himself fall asleep.

 

* * *

 

A week later, Joel hits him again.

A long, bad day at work has Joel angry and irrational, and Gray forgetting to fold the laundry is enough for Joel to lash out.  

“You’ve been home all fucking day,” Joel hisses as he shoves Gray back against the kitchen table. “Why the fuck didn’t you finish this?”

Gray knows he should stay quiet, but he’s exhausted and sick and not thinking straight.

“I was tired,” he says, stumbling back to his feet.

“You don’t think I’m tired?” Joel says, voice rising in irritation. “I work twice as much as you. What the fuck do you do at your job anyway? Carry plates. You don’t have to think too hard about that.”

 _I was supposed to be an engineer,_ Gray thinks.

“I’ll do it tomorrow,” he says, looking over at the clock on the microwave. It’s already eleven, and he’s so tired he can barely think. He’s been sick for days now, and the cold medicine is making him dizzy.

“You’re gonna do it right now,” Joel says, grabbing Gray’s arm and pulling him toward the bedroom. The stubborn part of Gray tries to yank his wrist away.

“I’ll do it before work tomorrow,” he insists again as Joel tightens his grip. “It’s not a big deal.”

Joel whips around, face dark and full of anger. “I’ll say whether it’s a big deal or not!” he yells, stepping back into Gray’s space and grabbing the collar of his shirt. Gray scrabbles at Joel’s hand, trying to pry his fingers off.

“Let GO of me!” he shouts, giving up and shoving at Joel’s chest instead. Joel is so close, and his fingers are like a vice around Gray’s wrist. “You’re being ridiculous, I’ll do it tomorrow!”

“I _said,_ do it NOW!” Joel’s voice is loud enough that Gray is sure the neighbors can hear it. Normally he would back down, try to get Joel calm again, but rage and hurt are warring inside of him, so instead he pushes Joel again.

“No,” Gray says. “I’m tired and I’m sick and I just want to go to bed.”

Joel lets go of Gray’s shirt, then backhands him across the face before Gray can move away. The edge of his ring catches just below Gray’s eye, but Gray’s too surprised to feel the pain. Joel doesn’t usually hit him that hard where someone else can see. Gray blinks a few times, shaking his head to clear his blurry vision.

“Shut up and do the laundry,” Joel growls, never letting go of Gray’s wrist. “I work all fucking day, and all you had _one thing_ to do!”

“Stop it!” Gray tries again to pull away, but Joel just grips his arm tighter, pulling him toward the bedroom again. “Stop hurting me!”

“Then stop fighting me and do the fucking laundry!”

Joel finally lets go of Gray’s arm, pushing him toward the bed where the laundry basket is sitting. Gray stumbles backward, arm catching the edge of the basket before knocking it to the ground. The clothes spill out into a pile between the two of them, and Gray stays on the floor, squeezing his eyes shut.

Joel takes a step toward Gray, but there’s a scrabbling of nails on the hardwood and suddenly Bella is there, standing in front of Gray and growling at Joel.

“Move,” Joel hisses, but Bella barks at him – the deep, warning bark she uses when someone unfamiliar comes to the door. Gray stares at her, pushing himself up on his elbows as she barks again.

There’s a long, tense silence where Joel stares down Bella, and Gray’s suddenly terrified that he’s going to hit her.

“Bella, it’s okay,” Gray whispers, reaching out and stroking her back. Her hackles are up and she doesn’t take her eyes off Joel. Another growl rumbles in her throat, and when Joel tries to step forward again, she barks and snarls at him.

“Shut up,” Joel hisses, but he stays where he is.

Gray’s caught somewhere between grateful and terrified, and he shifts to his knees, keeping a hand on Bella’s back.

“It’s okay, girl,” he says gently, rubbing behind her ears. “Shh, it’s okay. Look, we’re fine. We’re all fine. Right?” She turns to him and sniffs his face, then settles down into a sitting position next to him, still firmly planted between them.

Joel stands there for a minute longer, then shakes his head, backing away. Gray thinks he might start yelling again, but instead he turns away and storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

“Good girl,” Gray says as he wraps his arms around Bella’s neck and tries not to cry.

 

* * *

 

When Gray wakes up the next morning, Joel isn’t there, but there’s a note on the bedside table.

_I called in sick for you. Stay home and feel better._

At first, Gray feels a flood of affection – even after a full night’s sleep, he’s still exhausted, so Joel must have…

Then the rest of Gray wakes up, and everything hurts. His face aches, and he can feel swelling around the corner of his eye. When he rolls up the sleeve of his shirt, familiar dark lines of blue and purple are there to greet him.

_Fuck._

Joel didn’t call in for Gray because he’s sick, and the note isn’t sweet. _Stay home_ isn’t a reassurance – it’s a threat.

Bella rolls over toward Gray, panting happily as he slowly reaches out and strokes her head.

“Hey, girl,” he whispers. His throat hurts and he just wants to curl up and go back to sleep, but when he looks down to the end of the bed, the pile of laundry is there, waiting for him.

He’s about to get out of bed to fold it when his phone buzzes.

 

Joel [09:34] _How’re you feeling? Hope you got to sleep in. I’ll pick up Chinese for dinner, let me know what you want from Lee Garden. See you at 5. <3_

Gray wants to throw his phone on the ground and shatter it into a hundred pieces. Instead he sits up and types out a reply with shaky fingers, because if he doesn’t answer it’ll be worse.

 

Gray [09:35] _Thanks for letting me sleep in, I feel a lot better. I’m just folding the laundry._

 

He wants to add _I’m sorry_ but forces himself not to.

Gray waits a few minutes for a response, but when it’s clear he isn’t getting one, he sets the phone down on the bedside table and takes a deep breath. His fingers drift down to the drawer handle, and he hesitates for only a second before opening it.

Even though Joel’s not here, Gray glances around the room carefully before digging past the books and receipts and chapstick and pulling out a different phone. It had cost him all the money Natsu had given him, plus the generous tips Sting had been leaving, but now he has it and a long-distance calling card.

Gray flips the phone open, then thumbs to the contacts. There’s only three numbers saved in it – Natsu, Erza, and Sting.

Gray takes a deep breath before clicking on Natsu’s name.

The line rings twice before Natsu answers. “Hello?”

“H-hey,” Gray says hesitantly. “It’s me.”

“Gray,” Natsu breathes, and there’s a small pause before he asks, “are you okay?”

“Depends on your definition of ‘okay,’” Gray says, trying to keep his voice light. “I… don’t feel great.” He squeezes his eyes shut, hoping that Natsu doesn’t ask questions that Gray can’t answer.

There’s an uncertain pause before Natsu asks, “did he hurt you?”

Gray rubs his eyes, shifting until he’s back under the blankets and propped up against the pillows. He doesn’t say anything, and he knows that his silence is as good as a ‘yes.’

“Do you need the police?” Natsu asks. “Or the hospital? Do you want me to call Sting? I can be there in—”

“No,” Gray interrupts, pressing his face into the pillow. “No, you—don’t, you can’t. I just wanted to… to talk to you. That’s all.”

“Gray,” Natsu says gently. “I can be there by… twelve-thirty. Seriously, I’m in the car right now, I can—”

Gray shakes his head. “It’s not… I want to see you, I do, but you can’t. I can’t.”

“Why not?” Natsu asks, and Gray can hear the desperation in his voice. “Please, just let me come get you, I can—”

“It’s not that easy,” Gray whispers, curling up tighter and hugging the other pillow against him. “I’m—you don’t understand.”

“No, I don’t,” Natsu says softly. “Fuck, I feel so stupid, I can’t believe—how long? How long has he… what did he do? Gray, I’m so sorry.”

“’s not your fault,” Gray says. Bella wriggles closer to him and rests her head on his stomach. “He’s not… it’s not always.”

“That doesn’t make it right,” Natsu argues, and Gray can picture the expression on his face so easily. “Gray, he shouldn’t be hurting you.”

“He’s… it’s not…” Gray sighs in frustration, rubbing his face. He wants to see Natsu again so badly.

“Please let me come get you,” Natsu begs.

“No,” Gray says, shaking his head. “You can’t. I don’t—you don’t get it. I can’t leave.”

“You ca—”

“I can’t!” Gray’s close to tears again and he takes a shaky breath. His head is pounding and everything hurts. “Please, I know… I know you’re trying to help, but I can’t and I just need you to listen, okay? Please?” He swallows heavily. “It was hard enough to call you.”

Gray hears a sniffle, and he realizes with a guilty start that Natsu is crying. “I’m sorry,” Natsu’s voice is thick. “I didn’t mean… I’m sorry, I’m just—I feel so useless. I just want you to be safe.”

“I am,” Gray insists. “I’m safe right now. Most of the time.”

“Most of the time isn’t enough,” Natsu argues. “I’m so fucking mad at myself for leaving, I shouldn’t have gone to Danton. I should have stayed with you, and—”

“Don’t,” Gray says. “It’s not your fault.” He takes a shaky breath, then asks, “can you tell Erza? About the phone numbers? I don’t…”

“I already did,” Natsu says softly. “She misses you.”

“I miss her, too,” Gray whispers.

They’re both silent for a moment, but it’s a comfortable, familiar silence. Eventually Natsu says, “she and Jellal got married last summer.” Guilt digs its claws into Gray’s chest, but Natsu keeps going. “God, it was—okay, you remember Loke, from school? So he showed up with this girl and we were all like, ninety-seven percent sure she was an escort…”

A wave of relief washes over Gray as Natsu keeps talking. Once he’s done the story about Erza’s wedding, he moves on to another one about his niece, and then talks about his work, and his cat, jumping from topic to topic while Gray just listens.

They talk for almost two hours, and when Gray finally says he has to go, he’s breathing a bit easier.

“Thank you for calling me,” Natsu says. “I’m sorry that I can’t do more.”

“No, this...” Gray sighs. “You helped. I feel better.”

Gray knows that Natsu doesn’t want to hang up, and he can hear the hesitation in Natsu’s voice when he says, “you can call me anytime, okay?”

“’kay,” Gray says. “I’m… I’ll try to call you again this weekend.”

“Okay,” Natsu replies. “I love—” He stops himself, biting the words off, and Gray can almost see the pink rushing to his cheeks. “Fuck, sorry, that was—”

“No, it’s okay,” Gray says quietly, ignoring the pang in his chest that says, _Joel loves you, don’t betray him._

 _If he loves me, he shouldn’t hit me,_ Gray thinks, and the admission is like a wave that breaks and swells through him.

“It’s okay,” he says again, pressing his cheek to the phone and wishing that he could always feel this way. “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Gray thinks about killing himself but doesn’t want to hurt Natsu so he cuts himself instead. Joel is surprisingly kind about it, leaving Gray confused since he expected Joel to be angry. A week later, Joel gets angry at Gray and hits him for not doing the laundry. Bella (their dog) gets in between them and protects Gray from Joel’s anger. The next day Joel tells Gray to stay home so nobody sees the marks on his face, and Gray calls Natsu on the phone he bought in secret. Natsu wants to come get Gray, but Gray says he can’t, so they talk instead. Before they hang up, Natsu accidentally says he loves Gray, and Gray says he loves Natsu too.


	14. longing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu helps Gray plan for the future. Joel gets jealous, and Gray daydreams about what could have been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for abuse and implied noncon

_i wanna come home to you_

long·ing | \ ˈlȯŋ-iŋ  
noun  
**:** a strong desire, especially for something unattainable 

**.**

**xiii** ****  
**september** ****  
.

Fall comes, and with it, believable excuses for long-sleeved shirts and scarves. Joel’s work gets busier, so while he’s angry more often, he also spends a lot more time at the office and leaves Gray alone.

Gray spends most of the free time picking up extra shifts at the restaurant. Joel hadn’t let him leave the apartment for over a week after he’d bruised Gray’s face, and Gray had almost lost his job. Lucy vouching for him being ‘sick’ had been the only thing that had convinced Jeremy to keep him, so now Gray’s determined to make up the missing hours.

The other benefit of Joel working more is that it leaves Gray with more time to talk to Natsu. When Gray’s calling card had run out of minutes, they’d both downloaded Skype. Seeing Natsu’s blurry face on the phone screen for the first time had been a terrifying relief.

“You should pack up a bag,” Natsu says one afternoon near the end of September. They’re both lying on their beds while they chat, and Gray can see Natsu’s cat Happy curled up beside him. Natsu looks content, but his voice is serious.

“Why?” Gray asks, even though he knows exactly what Natsu means.

Natsu gives Gray a look. “I know you can’t leave,” he says, “but what if you wanted to, one day? Or you had to?”

Gray presses his face into the pillow, letting the idea float through his mind. It seems so easy when they talk, and there have been a few times where Gray has been _this_ close to asking Natsu to come get him.

But then Joel comes home with Gray’s favorite coffee, or takes him out for dinner, or tells Gray he loves him, and Gray feels so guilty. He has to stay. Joel needs him.

“What would I put in it?” Gray asks eventually, peeking up at Natsu.

“Your license,” Natsu says immediately. Gray has a feeling he’s rehearsed this. “Any paperwork you have – birth certificate, or name change paperwork, things like that.”

“Joel has all that at work,” Gray says dully, hugging the pillow to his stomach. “I have an ID, but I don’t have a license.”

“Okay, your ID then,” Natsu says. “Do you have anything with your name on it? Your health care card? SIN card?”

Gray shakes his head, refusing to look at the screen. “Joel keeps it all.” He feels so small and stupid. “Everything’s under his name.”

Natsu sighs, and Gray can see him petting Happy out the corner of his eye. “What about a bank card? Credit card?”

“I don’t have _anything,”_ Gray says, trying to push down the hot flush that’s creeping up his cheeks. “He has it all.” He finally looks up at Natsu again. “There’s no point. I can’t leave.”

If he leaves, everything will fall apart. He’ll have nothing – no money, no home, no insurance to pay for his meds. He’ll lose Bella and his job and the life he’s built.

“If I ever had to run out of the house,” Natsu says slowly, “like, if it was on fire or something, right? I’d grab Happy. My keys, my phone. Probably the scarf from my dad.” He scratches behind Happy’s ears. “That picture of us.”

Gray’s quiet for a long time. He still has that picture, buried in the back of one of his textbooks that’s collecting dust in the bottom of their closet.

“I… have a favorite sweater,” Gray says eventually, picking at a thread in the comforter. “A-and a travel mug I really like.” He feels Bella flop down on the bed next to him and he turns to look at her. “I, um… I think Bella’s adoption certificate from the shelter has my name on it. It might be in my email.”

Natsu nods, giving Gray an encouraging smile. “What else?”

“My, um, my meds. And a phone charger,” Gray adds. He looks around the room, but he’s not attached to anything here. “Jeremy at work, he—I get a paystub every couple weeks. Joel takes them usually, but… I could make a copy?”

“That sounds good,” Natsu says. “What about some clothes?”

They spend the next hour talking about what to pack, and over the next few days, Gray manages to collect everything in an old gym bag of Joel’s. On Friday he brings it to work and hides it in his locker.

He tries hard not to think too hard about what it means.

 

* * *

 

“What’s your deal with that cop?”

It’s Friday evening, and Gray and Joel are sitting on the couch, flipping through Netflix while they wait for the pizza to arrive.

Gray looks over at Joel, who keeps flipping back and forth between movies without really looking at anything. He’s been in a bad mood all evening, so Gray’s stayed carefully quiet, playing Tetris on his phone and agreeing with whatever Joel says.

“What do you mean?” Gray asks carefully.

“The blond one,” Joel says. “Always hanging out at the restaurant. Seems like he’s into you.”

Gray stills, watching the Tetris shape fall into the wrong place, blocking the other pieces until they pile up and reach the top of the screen.

“He’s just a regular,” Gray says, watching the words _Game Over_ flash at him across the screen. “Usually Lucy serves him, not me.”

Joel looks over at Gray as he turns the TV off, then sets the remote on the coffee table. Gray’s mind races as he desperately tries to think of what to say to calm Joel down.

“Don’t lie to me,” Joel says quietly.

“H-his name’s Sting,” Gray says, looking back down at his phone. The screen’s gone dark. “I... he’s friendly. The precinct is close to the restaurant, I—there’s nothing, he’s just a customer.”

“I saw how he looked at you today,” Joel says, shaking his head. Gray bites the inside of his cheek, keeping his eyes down. Joel had picked him up from work today, and Gray knows that Sting was watching when Joel had taken Gray’s tips, then grabbed his arm to lead him out to the car.

“He’s engaged,” Gray says, and as soon as the words leave his mouth, he knows he’s only made things worse.

“How do you know that?” Joel demands. “Thought he was ‘just a customer.’” He moves closer to Gray on the sofa, and Gray flinches, but Joel reaches out and grabs his wrist, taking his phone away.

“He brought his fiancé in one day, that’s all,” Gray says as quietly as possible. “I’m not—I just do my job.”

“What, your job involves flirting with other men now?” Joel demands.

Gray shakes his head. “N-no, I—”

“Shut up.” Joel lets go of Gray’s wrist and flips through his phone instead. Gray watches Joel scroll through his texts, then flip to his e-mail.

After a few terrifying minutes, Joel sighs and drops Gray’s phone back on the table.

“I’m sorry, babe,” he says, rubbing his face. “Work’s been a lot lately. I didn’t mean to get mad.”

Gray relaxes incrementally. “Is… can I do anything?” he asks. He’s tried everything to keep Joel happy – cleaning, cooking, making coffee, being quiet. Maybe there’s something he’s missing.

Joel reaches over and runs his hand up Gray’s thigh, then leans in and says, “there might be something.” His voice is low and Gray knows he’s going for sensual, but it makes Gray nauseous. A cold, uncomfortable feeling creeps up the back of his neck.

Joel slides his hand further up, slipping it under Gray’s shirt and shifting closer. Gray closes his eyes, biting his tongue so hard that he tastes blood.

He doesn’t want this.  

“C’mon, baby,” Joel murmurs, bringing his other hand up to Gray’s hair and leaning in for a kiss. Gray lets him, trying his hardest not to tense up under Joel’s touch. Ever since the drunken night with Natsu, things with Joel haven’t been the same. Whenever Gray closes his eyes, it’s Natsu’s hands touching him, Natsu’s lips on his neck, Natsu’s body pressing against him.

Joel’s about to pull Gray into his lap when there’s a knock on the door, and Bella races out of the bedroom, barking. _The pizza._ Gray nearly breathes a sigh of relief.  

Joel pulls back from Gray, squeezing his hip before standing up and reaching for his wallet. As he walks out of the living room, Gray wraps his arms tightly around himself and closes his eyes, taking several deep breaths to calm the way his heart’s pounding in his chest.

Joel reappears a minute later, dropping the pizza on the coffee table and sliding back onto the couch. He brushes his fingers across Gray’s cheek and grabs his hips again.

“Now,” he says, voice low in Gray’s ear. “Where were we?”

 

* * *

 

Gray calls Natsu as soon as Joel leaves for work the next morning.

“What happened?” Natsu asks as soon as he answers. Gray doesn’t say anything, just props the phone up against the headboard and buries his face in the pillow. “Gray?”

He shakes his head.

“Are you okay?” Natsu asks, and Gray can hear the worry in his voice.

Gray’s not sure how to answer. Joel didn’t hit him, but it still hurts. His whole body feels heavy and his skin itches, and it’s hard to open his eyes.

“Gray, please, look at me,” Natsu says gently. “I need to know you’re not hurt.”

“’m okay,” Gray whispers, lifting his head up and rubbing his face before looking at Natsu. “Just tired.”

“What did he do to you?” Natsu asks, and he looks like he’s going to cry.

“I… nothing,” Gray says, sitting up slowly and hugging the pillow to his chest. “I’m not hurt. Promise.”

Natsu studies him intently – it’s hard to catch all his expressions through the crappy connection, but Gray has every part of Natsu’s face memorized. He knows that Natsu gets freckles in the summer, and that there’s a tiny scar under his lip, and that when he laughs, his eyes crinkle and he gets dimples that Gray loves to kiss.

Loved to kiss.

Gray shakes his head and presses his face to the pillow again. “I miss you,” he whispers. “I wish…” He doesn’t want to cry, but he can’t seem to stop it from happening, and he bites the sound down until his shoulders are shaking.

“Hey, are you sure you’re okay?” Natsu asks. Gray shakes his head. “Fucking hell… Gray, please, talk to me. I’m scared for you.”

“I can’t,” Gray whispers, wiping his eyes. “I w-want…” He looks up at Natsu, and for just a second, pictures himself in Natsu’s arms. Feels Natsu holding him, kissing his forehead, rubbing his back, wiping his tears.

“Are you alone?” Natsu asks. Gray nods, taking a shaky breath. “I don’t think you should be. Do you have anybody that can come be with you?”

Gray shakes his head. _I want to be with you,_ he thinks.

“Do you want me to call Sting? He can—”

“No,” Gray says quickly, thinking of Joel’s jealous glare and the bruises on his hips. “Please, no.”

“Gray,” Natsu whispers, and he brings the phone closer to himself, as if it would bring Gray closer to him too. “Listen to me, love. You deserve to be happy. Joel is abusing you. He hurts you and makes you afraid – you shouldn’t be scared of somebody you love.”

 _I know,_ Gray thinks.

“I…” He’s so close to saying it. So close to asking, to telling Natsu he’s ready to leave this all behind. But it’s terrifying and too much, so instead he says, “can you… can we just talk? About… whatever, it doesn’t matter, I just…”

“Yeah,” Natsu says immediately, voice gentle. “Of course, yeah. Did I tell you about the Halloween party I’m going to?”  

 

* * *

 

They talk for a long time, and when they finally hang up, they both whisper _I love you_ before the picture cuts out. Gray stares at the screen for a long time, then turns the phone off and shoves it back in the table drawer, covering it with a book and some old receipts. Then he curls up on the bed, wrapping his arm around one of the pillows and pressing his face against it.

_I love you._

The guilt washes over Gray like it always does, and he lets it hurt. He feels like throwing up because those words are supposed to be for Joel and only Joel. But when Gray says them to Joel, they don’t feel the same.

With Joel, _I love you_ feels like _please don’t hurt me._

With Natsu, _I love you_ feels like _you’re safe._

Gray remembers the first time he told Natsu he loved him. They’d been dating for three months – it was almost Halloween and Natsu had been lying on Gray’s bed, waving his hands in the air as he talked about costume ideas. His eyes had been bright and his smile had been so wide and sweet, and Gray had leaned over and kissed him, whispering _I love you_ against his lips.

Natsu had immediately said it back, running his fingers through Gray’s hair and rolling them over until he could press Gray into the bed and kiss him all over.

Gray wonders what his life would be like now if Natsu hadn’t left. The thought has crossed his mind before, but he’s never let himself really think about it. It hurts too much, and Gray’s not supposed to want.

Gray curls up tighter, and when he closes his eyes, he sees a house – something small and comfortable and far away from here. Natsu’s cooking pancakes in the kitchen, wearing a stupid apron that has some silly pun written across the front of it. He’s humming along to whatever is playing on the radio, and when he turns to look at Gray, his smile is just as wide as when Gray had first said, “I love you.”

A warm, contented feeling spreads through Gray’s chest, and in the daydream, he reaches out for Natsu, taking both his hands and pulling him close. Natsu kisses Gray's cheek, brushes his hair from his eyes, wraps his hands around Gray’s waist and starts to dance.

 _You deserve to be happy._ Natsu’s words drift through Gray’s mind, and his stomach twists again. _He’s abusing you._

Gray takes a deep breath, opening his eyes and peeking over at the bedroom door before whispering, “Joel is… abusive.” He immediately squeezes his eyes shut, holding the pillow tight against him as he lets the words settle. He’s never said it before. Even when Natsu asks, Gray never says the words out loud.

“Joel hurts me,” he tries again, voice so quiet that Bella, who is sleeping beside him, doesn’t stir. “He shouldn’t hit me.”

Something shifts in his chest. The knots are still there, but it’s different, somehow. He wishes he understood what it meant.

“I shouldn’t be scared,” he says quietly. “I deserve to be happy.”  


	15. helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel's jealousy gets out of hand, and Gray's not the only one who gets hurt.

_i promised not to fall in love and that i wouldn’t drink so much_

help·less | \ ˈhel-pləs  
adjective  
**:** marked by an inability to act or react

**.**

**xiv** **  
october**

**.**

“Get me another beer.”

Joel looks at Gray across the table at the bar, his expression unsettlingly blank, and gestures at him with the half-empty bottle. Gray fiddles with the edge of his napkin, glancing over at the bar.

“Maybe you should have some water,” Gray suggests, shifting back in his seat when Joel scowls at him. They’re at Joel’s work Halloween get-together and are surrounded by coworkers, so Gray knows Joel wouldn’t try anything here, but he’s still on edge. He hasn’t been keeping track, but he can tell that Joel’s had more than enough to drink, and drunk Joel is dangerous.

“’m fine,” Joel insists, draining the last of the beer and slamming the bottle down on the table between them. The sound is muffled by the noise of the crowd around them, but Gray still jumps.

“Are you su—”

“Go get another one.” Joel’s voice is sharp and Gray nods, immediately slipping down from his seat and heading toward the bar. There are too many people here and the floor is sticky, and the music pounds Gray’s headache deeper and deeper into his skull.

As Gray reaches the bar, someone grabs his shoulder, and he turns to see a vaguely-familiar looking guy next to him. Gray frowns, studying the guy’s face. His eyes are bright and his cheeks are red, and Gray’s pretty sure he recognizes him from Joel’s Christmas party last year.

“Hey, gorgeous,” the guy slurs. Gray tenses under his grip, taking a step back.

“Hey,” he says curtly, turning away to gesture for another beer. He’s tempted to ask the bartender to cut Joel off.

“’m Tyler,” the guy says, running his hand down Gray’s arm and squeezing his bicep. “You havin’ a good time?”

Gray shifts uncomfortably, slipping his arm out of Tyler’s grip. “Yeah,” he says, forcing himself to smile as he waits for Joel’s drink. “You?”

“I am now,” Tyler says, moving back into Gray’s space. Gray sidesteps him quickly, grabbing the beer from the bartender’s outstretched hand and nodding thanks. “Hey, wh-where you goin’?”

“I’m here with someone,” Gray says, backing away from Tyler. “Sorry.”

Tyler raises his eyebrow. “Doesn’ look like they’re here right now,” he says, reaching out for Gray again. “C’mon, don’t be like that.”

As soon as his fingers close around Gray’s arm, someone else grabs Gray from behind and pulls him backward, throwing him off-balance. He watches helplessly as the bottle slips from his fingers and hits the ground with a _crack,_ shattering into pieces.

“Don’ touch him,” Joel growls, stepping in front of Gray and swaying unsteadily. Gray freezes, a spark of panic running through him at the furious expression Joel’s face. For once, it isn’t directed at Gray, but this is almost worse.

“Joel, don’t,” Gray says, reaching for Joel’s arm. Joel shrugs him off and steps forward, then punches Tyler in the face.

Suddenly everybody’s eyes are on them, and Gray wants to sink into the floor and disappear.

“What the fuck?” Tyler shouts, blood spilling through his fingers as he tries to cover his face. “Who the fuck are—”

“Keep your goddamn hands off him,” Joel growls. “He’s mine.”

“Stop it,” Gray hisses, grabbing Joel’s arm and trying to pull him back. The bartender is on the phone now, and Gray can feel dread bubbling up in his chest next to the embarrassment. The last thing they need right now is the police. “Joel, don—”

“Shuddup,” Joel slurs, turning and shoving Gray away from him. Gray stumbles back into one of the bar stools, and there’s an awful moment of vertigo as the distance between him and the floor rapidly decreases. Gray’s head connects sharply with the leg of one of the tables with a _crack,_ and a sharp pain bursts up Gray’s forearm as it twists under him.

Joel stares at Gray for a moment, then turns back to Tyler and lunges at him, grabbing him by the shirt collar and slamming him into the bar. Tyler grunts in pain, then knees Joel in the stomach, shoving him off and taking a swing at him. He catches Joel on the chin and Joel groans as his head snaps to the side.

There are hands under Gray’s arms, helping him to his feet, and they’re accompanied by concerned voices that Gray can’t focus on. All he can see is the blood that’s dripping down Tyler’s face and coating Joel’s knuckles.

“Don’t touch me,” Gray snaps, pushing away the people who helped him up. “Joel, stop it!”

Joel ignores him, spitting out blood and tackling Tyler again. People are yelling all around them, and Gray can sirens in the distance over the commotion.

“Break it up!” the bartender yells, still holding the phone as he gestures at Joel and Tyler. Joel’s got an arm around Tyler’s neck now, and he’s trying to slam Tyler’s head into one of the tables.

Gray’s arm throbs and he holds it tight against his chest as he’s jostled by people moving away from the fight. He’s torn – uncertain if he should try to stop Joel again, or run with everyone else. But Joel has his phone and his wallet and his keys, and Gray has nowhere to go.

He moves forward again.

“Joel, c’mon,” he pleads. Blue-and-red lights flash through the window, and the sharp wail of the sirens makes Gray’s already throbbing head ache so badly that his vision starts to blur. “Please,” he begs. “The cops are here.”

That finally gets Joel’s attention. He pulls away from Tyler, who blinks at him blearily, blood still pouring from his nose. Gray’s vision is hazy, and when he tries to reach out for Joel again, he stumbles and nearly falls to the ground.

“Get on your knees!”

The front door of the bar bangs open, and Gray looks over to see three officers standing there. One of them is Sting.

 _Shit._ Gray hopes to hell that Joel doesn’t recognize him.

“On your knees,” the female officer says again, gesturing at Joel and Tyler. “Hands on your head.”

For a terrifying moment Gray thinks that Joel is going to argue, or keep fighting. But instead he just nods, sinking to the floor and raising his hands in the air. Tyler follows suit, one hand still covering his bloody nose.

“’s just a misunderstandin’,” Joel insists as the other officer moves toward him with a set of handcuffs. Gray watches, heart thundering in his chest, frozen in place. He doesn’t know if he should step forward or try to disappear.

The decision is made for him when Sting notices him.

“You got these two?” Sting asks the other officers, and when they nod and start leading Joel and Tyler out the door, Sting moves toward Gray. Joel doesn’t even look back as they leave the bar, and part of Gray wants to run after him, tell him he’s sorry.

“Are you hurt?” Sting asks. Gray drags his gaze from Joel’s retreating back to Sting’s concerned face and tries to shake his head. The floor tips under him and he feels Sting grab his arm as he leans over and throws up.

Sting calls out for someone, holding Gray’s shoulders and guiding him to a chair as the room spins. Something cool presses against Gray’s neck and he exhales in relief, but then someone touches his arm and he jerks away, eyes flying open.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Sting says gently. He’s crouching down in front of Gray, one hand on Gray’s knee, other hand holding an ice pack against the back of Gray’s head. “You’re bleeding pretty bad.”  

“’m fine,” Gray insists, but Sting shakes his head. Gray frowns and looks down at the gauze pad around his hand that’s rapidly turning red, and he realizes that he must have fallen on one of the shards of broken glass. There’s blood dripping down his fingers, but he can’t feel the wound.

“I’m gonna take you to the hospital, okay?” Sting says.

Gray wants to argue because he’s not supposed to be with Sting, but Joel’s in the back of a police cruiser with Gray’s phone and wallet and keys, and everything is blurry, and Gray still feels like he’s going to throw up again.

“What’s gonna happen to him?” Gray asks quietly once Sting’s led him to the car. The cruiser’s lights are still on, and Gray can see the strobing pattern even through his closed eyelids.

“They’ll keep him for twenty-four hours until he sobers up,” Sting says. His hand is light on Gray’s elbow as he guides Gray into the passenger seat and passes him the seatbelt. “After that, we’ll see. Why don’t we just get you taken care of for now, okay?”

 

* * *

 

The ride to the hospital is a blur, and eventually Gray finds himself in a small room at the back of the emergency department, still holding the ice pack against his head. Sting’s not with him – he stayed up at the triage desk to talk to someone – and part of Gray wants to ask for him. Something about Sting reminds him of Natsu, and it makes him feel safe.

“How’s the pain?”

The nurse – Doris – is a sweet-looking lady with white hair and a kind smile, and she reminds Gray of his aunt.

“’s okay,” Gray says quietly. He’d thrown up again when Sting had helped him out of the car, but everything is a bit less blurry, now. The back of his head and his wrist still hurt, but it’s a dull, throbbing ache that’s slowly fading with the painkillers.

“That’s good,” Doris says gently, reaching out and taking Gray’s injured hand. “Let’s get this taken care of, and then the doctor will come take a look at your head.”

When she starts to roll up Gray’s sleeve, he can feel the way her eyes linger on the bruises around his wrist. Part of him wants to pull away, but another part of him is too tired to care.

Doris is quiet as she rests his arm on the small table between them and gets ready to stitch up the cut. It’s ragged and deep, but the anesthetic Doris injected has already made it so Gray can’t feel anything. He watches numbly as she starts to suture the skin back together.  

“I’ve got a few more questions for you, love,” Doris says gently, once she’s finished stitching and starts to bandage his hand. “Then the doctor will come see you.”     

“’kay,” Gray says softly.

Doris tapes off the bandage, then gives Gray’s hand a gentle squeeze. “I’m worried about these injuries,” she says gently, gesturing to the fingerprint-shaped bruises around Gray’s wrist. “They don’t look like they happened tonight.”

Gray doesn’t respond.

“Did someone do this to you?” she asks.

He shakes his head. There’s a square on the floor that’s out of the line with the rest of the tiles, and he stares at it dully.

“Can you tell me how this happened?” Doris asks. Her voice is so gentle that Gray wants to cry, and he swallows hard as he shrugs. “It’s okay, honey,” Doris says, holding Gray’s hand between hers. “I just want to make sure that somebody isn’t hurting you.”

Gray manages a quiet, “no,” but he can tell she doesn’t believe him.

He wants to tell her. He wants to tell Sting. Joel’s in jail right now, and Gray could call Natsu and run away. But Bella’s at home, and Joel’s got the keys and Gray’s wallet and phone, and Gray doesn’t have anything without Joel.

It’s almost worse, now that he’s admitted to himself that something’s wrong.

“If someone did hurt you,” Doris asks, “would you know where to go for help?”

Gray finally looks at her, then back down at his hand. He thinks of the bag in his locker at work, his hidden phone, the code with Sting, his calls with Natsu.

He nods, very slightly.

“That’s good,” Doris says. She gestures to the chart sitting on the bed next to him. “All of this is confidential,” she says. “Even your partner can’t access it – just you and the hospital.” She squeezes his hand again. “Are there any other injuries you want to tell me about, so I can record them here?”

Gray stares at the paperwork, considering the question. He can’t stop thinking about the furious look in Joel’s eyes, the sound that Tyler had made when Joel had punched him, the blood on Joel’s knuckles.

Gray rubs his eyes with his uninjured hand, wiping away a few stray tears that managed to escape, then shakes his head.

“No,” he says softly.

“That’s okay,” Doris says, giving him a reassuring smile. “I just want you to remember that it’s not your fault, okay?”

Natsu says the same thing every time they talk, and hearing it over and over has started to chip down the excuses that Gray has built up around himself. It’s not enough to drown out the fear, though.

“I’m going to go grab the doctor for you,” Doris says, letting go of Gray’s hand and moving toward the door. “If you change your mind, you can always ask for me to come back.” Gray nods, and she adds, “you’re stronger than you think.”

It’s a sweet sentiment, and Gray wants to believe it. But when Doris closes the door and her footsteps fade down the hallway, all Gray feels is sad and scared, and very, very alone.


	16. compassion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray has nowhere to stay while Joel's in jail, so Sting offers up his place. Gray realizes they have something in common.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for discussion of abuse/child abuse
> 
> I know it's frustrating to watch Gray go back and forth on how he feels, but leaving an abusive relationship isn't a linear path. Abusers isolate their victims, and while Gray does have support now, he's been on his own with Joel for the past five years. I stayed in my relationship with my ex for three years and tried to leave twice before finally succeeding, so it's an unfortunate reality that most victims of domestic violence do go back to their partners, even when they know the relationship is toxic.

com· pas· sion | \ kəm-ˈpa-shən   
noun   
: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress, together with a desire to alleviate it 

 **.**  

 **xv**    
**october**    
**.**  

Gray doesn’t leave the hospital until almost two in the morning. 

When Doris finally leads Gray back out to the front of the emergency room, Sting is still there, but he’s dressed in jeans and a hoodie instead of his uniform. When he sees Gray, he stands up and approaches them cautiously.  

“Hey, how’re you feeling?” he asks, glancing down at Gray’s bandaged hand. He looks like he wants to reach out to Gray, but he doesn’t.  

Gray’s so tired that all he can do is shrug. Doris says something to Sting but Gray’s not listening – his mind is too busy. The panic and terror from earlier are dulled by the drugs, but he still can’t stop thinking.  

 _Joel protected me. Joel hurt me. I should tell them. I have to stay. He can get better. He’s never going to change. He’ll hurt Bella. Sting can help me. I don’t have anything. I can start over. I can ask for help. I’m fine._  

“Gray? You with me?” Gray blinks, looking up at Sting’s concerned face. “I tried to get your wallet, but they won’t let me take personal effects out of lockup,” Sting says gently. “Do you have your keys?” Gray shakes his head, staring at the floor. “Do you have somebody you can stay with? The nurse said you shouldn’t be alone after a concussion.”  

A part of Gray’s mind thinks,  _I could call Natsu,_ but the rest of him shuts that down immediately. He shakes his head again.  

“Would you feel okay staying with me overnight?” Sting asks. “As a friend,” he adds quickly, “not as a cop. I’m off duty now, and I’ve got a guest bedroom. Rogue is asleep, but he won’t mind.” 

Gray looks down at the floor again. He doesn’t want to make Joel angry, but he’s so fucking tired and has nowhere else to go, so he nods.  

“Okay,” Sting says, and Gray can hear the relief in his voice as he gestures toward the parking lot. “C’mon, you need to get some sleep.”  

 

* * *

 

The first part of the drive back to Sting’s place is quiet – the only sound is the barely-audible radio and the squeak of the windshield wipers. Gray leans his head against the window and watches the raindrops fall in the intermittent light of the streetlamps.  

He’s so, so tired.  

“You hungry?” Sting asks after a while. Gray shakes his head – he is, but he doesn’t want to owe Sting anything else. “You mind if I stop for something? I haven’t eaten since I started work.”  

When Sting sets the fries he gets in the console between them, Gray sees through the ruse. He doesn't fall for it.  

“I’ve only been a cop for a few years,” Sting says after a while. Gray glances over at him, but Sting keeps his eyes on the road. “My dad was one, and I always wanted to be just like him.”  

Gray’s not sure what the point of this story is, but it’s better than the silence, so he nods and keeps listening.  

“He wasn’t a very good cop, though,” Sting says, and his voice gets quiet and a little uncertain. “Sometimes... law enforcement attracts people who want power, and control. And those people are assholes at work and outside of it. He was one of those people.”  

Gray suddenly sees exactly where this is going.  

“I loved my dad so, so much,” Sting continues. The rain is coming down harder now, and he turns up the wipers. “My mom died when I was little and I was an only child, so he was all I had. And I wanted so badly to believe he loved me as much as I loved him.”  

Tears start to press at the back of Gray’s eyes, and he bites the inside of his cheek until it hurts.  

“Lots of people tried to help me,” Sting says as he slows down for a red light. He keeps his eyes on the road, carefully avoiding looking at Gray. “Teachers, my friends’ parents. I loved my dad, though, and I didn’t want him to get in trouble, so I told them all that nothing was wrong. I thought... he could change. It wasn’t all the time. When he wasn’t mad, he was amazing – so all I had to do was not make him angry.”  

Sting goes silent again, and Gray can’t keep it in anymore. He’s so fucking tired of crying.  

“One day, it got really bad.” Sting’s voice is thick now, like he’s trying to hold back his own tears. “He was high, and he got angry – I don’t even remember what I did to piss him off, I was only eleven – and our neighbor called the police. I was terrified because all the cops were dad’s friends, and I didn't think they'd believe me, but... I mean, it was bad. He broke my arm, I ended up with thirty-six stitches, and it’s hard to play that off as an accident, y’know? And one of the cops, her name was Kelly, she stayed with me the whole time. Helped me feel safe.”  

Gray’s chest aches, and he covers his mouth to keep in a sob. The tears keep coming and coming, and he presses himself against the door of the car, trying to breathe.  

“I just... I know how hard it is,” Sting says after a minute. “I know what it’s like to love someone so much that you want them to be the best thing for you, even when they aren’t. And I know you don’t want help right now, and that’s okay, just... none of it’s your fault.” Gray hiccups through the tears and he just wants to stop fucking  _feeling_ this. “Nobody should be hurting you, no matter what, and if you ever do decide you want help, there are people who will believe you, and who will be there for you.”  

Gray’s mind turns to Natsu. Natsu, with sad, desperate eyes as Gray walked away from him. Natsu kissing Gray in the alley behind the bar, touching him gently, being kind. Natsu answering the phone and talking about his day, letting Gray pretend that nothing’s wrong.  

And then Joel. Joel saying he loves Gray with hard, demanding eyes. Joel getting angry, Joel apologizing, Joel kissing Gray sweetly, Joel pushing Gray into the bed when Gray wants to say ‘no.’  

It’s too much.  

“I...” Gray’s voice breaks and he shakes his head. “I d-don't... I can’t...”  

“I know.” Sting’s voice is so, so gentle. “It’s been a long night.”  

The car slows to a stop as Sting pulls into a driveway – Gray hadn’t even noticed that they were in a residential area. Sting turns off the car and sighs before getting out, then moving around to Gray’s side and opening his door.  

“C’mon,” Sting says, helping Gray out as Gray wipes at his face with his sleeve. Gray wobbles unsteadily – everything hurts, even with the painkillers. Sting offers his arm and Gray stares at it for a moment before letting himself lean on it.    

When they get inside, Sting leads Gray to the guest bedroom, quietly pointing out the washroom and grabbing an extra blanket from the closet. Gray sits down heavily on the bed, and seconds later there’s a soft  _mrowl_ as a kitten jumps up next to him.  

Gray stares at it and it meows at him again, staring at him with wide, blue eyes.  

“That’s Frosch,” Sting says as Gray reaches out hesitantly and runs his finger over the kitten’s head. Frosch immediately climbs up into his lap and rubs herself against him, purring happily. “You’re not allergic, are you?”  

Gray shakes his head. The deep, weary ache in his chest feels a tiny bit lighter as a tiny, wet nose against his hand is followed by soft, silky fur.  

“She might try to sleep with you,” Sting says, sitting down close to Gray but leaving a space between them. “Lector – her brother – is probably on my pillow right now, but you might see him at some point too.”  

Frosch gives Gray another loud, high-pitched meow, then stands up on her hind legs, placing her paws on his chest. Gray strokes her head carefully, then looks over at Sting.  

“Thank you,” he whispers. Sting smiles at him, and Gray’s thankful that there’s no pity on his face.  

“Anytime,” Sting says. His hand hovers between them and he looks uncertain. “Do you... want a hug? Or – sorry, that’s stupid, I know we don’t really know each other very well.” 

Gray knows he should say no, but it’s been so long since someone touched him in a way that doesn’t hurt. He nods slowly, and Sting leans in and wraps his arm around Gray despite the embarrassed flush now dusting his cheeks. Gray sighs and relaxes into the embrace, and a warm sense of relief floods through him as Frosch turns in circles on his lap and then settles herself there, warm and purring.  

“I don’t know what to do,” he says quietly, before he can change his mind. Sting sighs, pulling back from the embrace but keeping his hand on Gray’s arm.  

“I know,” he says. “I know how hard it is to leave. It’s okay if you’re not ready.”  

Gray rubs his face. His hand’s starting to ache, and he’s so tired, but the idea of sleeping in this bed alone in a house he doesn’t know is terrifying.  

"You okay?” Sting asks, squeezing his elbow gently. Gray wants to say  _I’m fine, I don’t need your help_ because that’s what he’s always done, but Joel’s not here and everything hurts and he’s scared.  

He shakes his head.  

“You wanna come watch something stupid on TV with me?” Sting asks. “I’ve got some microwave popcorn and a bag of Twizzlers I’ve been hiding from Rogue.” 

Sting turns on some reality show about baking that Gray’s never heard of, but Gray doesn’t really pay attention to it. The couch is soft and Frosch is warm on his lap, and with Sting sitting beside him, it doesn’t take long for Gray to fall asleep.  

 

* * *

 

When Gray wakes up the next morning, everything hurts. He groans, blinking a few times and moving to sit up before he realizes that something is sitting on him.  

It’s Frosch. She’s fast asleep with her tail curled around her, and she’s purring so loud that she’s vibrating on Gray’s chest. Gray carefully runs his finger over her head and behind her ears. The purring intensifies, and she gives his hand a tiny headbutt before settling back into sleep.  

Gray sighs, relaxing into the pillow underneath him. He’s still on the couch, but there’s a blanket draped over his legs, and a glass of water and a bottle of painkillers sitting on the table next to him.  

Gray looks down at his bandaged hand, and everything comes back to him in a blurry rush. He squeezes his eyes shut again, rubbing his face with his uninjured hand and pushing away the memories.  

Gray’s good at not thinking about things.  

After a few more minutes, he nudges Frosch off of him, and she squeaks at him in protest before sauntering off to the kitchen. He sits up slowly, gratefully grabbing the painkillers and washing two of them down with the water. His head is pounding, his wrist aches, and the rest of him is bruised and uncomfortable.  

“Good morning.” 

Gray looks up to see Rogue standing in the doorway to the kitchen, wearing a pair of cat-themed pajama pants and a hoodie that says  _Ryerson Tech._ His hair is piled on his head in a messy bun, and he looks down fondly as Frosch meows at him and rubs herself against his legs.  

“Hey,” Gray says, voice rough. “Thanks for letting me stay.” His cheeks feel hot and he looks back down at the floor.  

“Of course,” Rogue says, leaning down and scooping up Frosch. “Would you like a coffee? Sting’s still asleep, but I’m making pancakes.” 

Gray suddenly realizes how hungry he is, and he nods, pushing himself up from the couch and following Rogue into the kitchen. Rogue’s quiet as he gets the coffee ready, and Gray takes the opportunity to look around. The kitchen is small but brightly decorated, and the fridge is covered with photographs.  

Gray’s eyes widen when he sees one of Rogue and Sting at the pride parade, kissing in front of an arch of colorful balloons. Rogue's got a rainbow button pinned to his tank top, and Sting’s shirt is pink and blue and white. The trans pride flag.  

 _Oh._  

Gray sits still for a minute, letting the revelation settle into his sleepy, confused brain. When Rogue sets a cup of coffee down in front of Gray, he tracks Gray’s gaze to the photo and smiles.  

There are footsteps on the stairs, and Sting appears in the kitchen doorway, yawning as he runs his fingers through his messy hair. A fat, orange tabby saunters in after him.  

“Hey, you,” Rogue says, reaching over and pulling Sting in for a kiss.  

“Mmf.” Sting yawns, then turns to Gray and waves. “You guys are up way too early. ‘s ridiculous.”   

“It’s already nine,” Rogue says, rolling his eyes and turning back to the stove. “You’re the ridiculous one.”  

Sting grumbles half-heartedly and slumps down on the stool next to Gray, pillowing his head on his arms. “You sleep okay?” he asks, tipping his head up to look at Gray.  

Gray doesn’t answer right away. He’s too busy searching Sting’s face, trying to see what he missed before.  

Sting’s like him.  

Sting frowns at him, then glances over at the fridge and his eyes widen in realization. “Ah,” he says. “Yeah. Sorry, it, uh, never came up?”  

“No, no, I, uh...” Gray can feel heat rising to his cheeks. “Me too.”  

Sting’s uncertain expression quickly turns to a smile, and he nudges Gray with his knee. “Really?” Gray nods, looking down at his coffee. “I never would have guessed.”  

“You either,” Gray says, cheeks pink. “I, uh... I don’t know anyone else? Like me.” He hesitates, then corrects himself. “Like us.”  

“Well, now you do,” Sting says, reaching out slowly and squeezing Gray’s knee when he doesn’t pull away.  

A comfortable silence hangs between them, interrupted when Rogue sets a plate of pancakes on the counter. Gray’s stomach growls, and he’s pretty sure nothing has ever looked so appetizing.  

“Gods, I love you,” Sting says.    

“You love pancakes,” Rogue corrects, grabbing a couple of plates from the cupboard and handing one to Gray. “I did burn a couple, sorry about that.”  

Sting scoffs, grabbing three pancakes and piling them on his plate. Then he leans over and kisses Rogue’s cheek. “I’d eat your burnt pancakes any day, darling.”  


	17. dissonance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray is torn between staying and leaving, and Joel's not making it easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for verbal/physical abuse

_you young lost sinner_

dis· so· nance | \ ˈdi-sə-nən(t)s  
noun  
: psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously

**.**

**xvi** **  
** **november**

**.**

When Sting drops Gray off at the jail later that day to pick up Joel, the first words out of Joel’s mouth are, “I’m so, so sorry.”

He pulls Gray into a gentle hug, kissing the top of his head. “I was so worried about you,” he says, “they wouldn’t tell me anything, just that you were at the hospital.” He pulls back and runs a thumb over Gray’s cheek, brushing the hair out of his eyes. Then he sees Gray’s bandaged hand and makes a soft, sad sound.

“I’m sorry,” Joel murmurs again as Gray presses his forehead against Joel’s shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Gray asks softly, wrapping his arms around Joel’s waist and leaning into him. Guilt creeps back into his chest – he’d spent the day sitting on Sting’s living room floor, cuddling with Frosch and Lector and playing Uno with Rogue – having fun while Joel had was worrying about him.

“I’ll live,” Joel says. His jaw and knuckles are bruised, but otherwise he seems okay. “I’m more worried about you – I can’t believe Tyler tried to pull that shit. Who knows what he would’ve done if I hadn’t been there.”

He kisses Gray’s head again, then takes his hand. Gray lets Joel lead him out to the parking lot, keeping his eyes on the ground the whole time. 

 

* * *

 

They get back to the apartment just before supper and Bella is ecstatic, jumping around them as her nails clack against the hardwood. Gray kneels down and presses his forehead to hers, whispering, “I’m so sorry, girl, you must be starving.”

Bella licks his face, then runs off to the kitchen to sit next to the pantry.

“You didn’t come home?” Joel’s voice is suddenly much less sweet than it had been, and Gray stands up slowly, turning to look at him.

“I didn’t... you had the keys,” Gray says. “And the rental office is closed, it’s the weekend, so I couldn’t get the landlord to let me in.”

Joel studies Gray for a second, then asks, “where did you stay?”

Gray looks down at the floor, picking at the edge of his bandage. The air is charged, suddenly – a downed wire, live sparks.

The kindness never lasts.

“I...”

“Where did you stay?” Joel asks again.

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go,” Gray says as his stomach ties itself into knots. “I was... I didn’t get out of the ER until really late, and I couldn’t get back in the apartment, and—”

“Where?”

“Please,” Gray whispers, wrapping his arms around himself and keeping his eyes on the ground. “I—I stayed at Sting’s, he took me to the hospital ‘cause I needed the stitches and I... there was nowhere else, I didn’t have my wallet or my phone, and—”

“Stop.”

Gray bites back the excuses and closes his eyes, bracing himself for whatever Joel’s going to do. Everything already aches, and Gray’s pretty sure Joel can’t make it worse.

“I told you to stay away from him,” Joel says. He takes a step toward Gray and Gray flinches, backing up against the wall.

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go,” he whispers.

Why can’t _I love you_ ever last?

Joel’s fingers wrap around Gray’s arm, and Gray tenses, squeezing his eyes shut, but the blow never comes. Instead there’s a deep, rough bark, and Gray looks over to see Bella standing in the doorway to the kitchen, giving Joel a cautious look. When he doesn’t move, she barks again.

There’s a terrifying silence, then Joel lets go of Gray’s arm, pushing him back into the wall. “I can’t deal with your shit right now,” he says, sighing and rubbing his face. “You never fucking listen to me.”

Gray’s not sure if apologizing will make it better or worse, so he just stays quiet.

“I’m going to bed,” Joel says. “Don’t bother me. I’ll deal with you tomorrow.” Then he stalks down the hallway to the bedroom and slams the door behind him.

Gray sags back against the wall, then sinks to the floor, dropping his forehead to his knees. Bella comes over to him and presses her nose to his cheek, and he wraps an arm around her neck, whispering, “thank you.”

She whines and lays down beside him, putting a paw on his leg. When he looks down at her, all he can think about is Joel getting angry enough to hurt her.

“I won’t leave you,” Gray says, running his fingers through her fur. “We’ve gotta keep each other safe.”

 

* * *

 

Joel leaves for work the next day without looking at Gray. As soon as he’s gone, Gray deadbolts the door and runs to the bedroom, digging out his secret phone.

Natsu answers almost immediately. “Hey, you.” He’s in his kitchen, phone propped up on the table while he drinks his coffee. Gray can see the moment that Natsu realizes Gray’s hurt – his eyes widen and his expression turns heartbroken. “Gray, shit, what did he do to you?”

“It wasn’t him,” Gray says quickly, curling up in the pillows at the head of the bed. “Well, not.... there was a bar fight. I’m okay, though.”

“You don’t look okay,” Natsu says. “What happened?”

“Joel, uh... he punched a guy, it’s... they didn’t charge him with anything, just kept him for a bit until he was sober. I stayed with Sting last night.”

Gray can see how badly Natsu wants to ask why Gray didn’t leave, but instead he says, “I’m glad Sting helped you. He’s a good guy.” Gray nods, staring down at his bandaged hand. “Is there anything I can do?” Natsu asks.

Gray looks over nervously at the door, then takes a deep breath and asks, “if I left... could I stay with you?”

“Of course,” Natsu replies immediately. His expression is a mix of hope and tentative relief, and Gray’s not sure how it makes him feel.

“Not... not yet,” Gray says, looking back down at his hands. “I’m not ready, but he... I...”

“It’s okay,” Natsu says gently. “Whatever you need.”

They talk for a bit more about nothing – Natsu's work, the book Gray’s been reading – and Gray feels the tension start to fade. Every time he talks to Natsu, Gray feels a little bit braver, a little bit more certain.

When they finally hang up and Natsu whispers, “I love you,” Gray believes him.

 

* * *

 

Now that Gray has talked about it with Natsu, making a plan to leave is a tiny bit easier.

He insists on going back to work right away, even though carrying plates hurts his hand like hell. He needs the tips – he starts taking a few dollars each shift and hiding them in the bottom of the duffle bag in his locker. It’s not enough for Joel to notice, and after three weeks, Gray has almost a hundred dollars saved.

One day, Gray manages to make it to the registry to order new copies of his birth certificate and health care card. His face burns with embarrassment when he explains the situation to the woman who’s helping him, but she quickly waives the fees for him and agrees to mail them to Natsu’s house instead of Gray’s home address.

Each little act feels like taking back a piece of himself – like he’s slowly stitching the broken parts of himself into something resembling a whole.

Joel doesn’t make it easy. The evening after their argument about Gray staying at Sting’s, Joel acts like nothing happened, and he doesn’t bring up Sting again. It leaves Gray in an uncomfortable state of uncertainty, and he hates it.

It’s almost easier when Joel’s angry – even when it hurts.

 

* * *

 

“I’m really proud of you,” Natsu says one day in late November. It’s cold and snowing outside, and Gray is curled up under the blankets in the bedroom, Bella snoring across his legs.

Gray feels his cheeks turn pink and he ducks his head, not looking at Natsu. They’ve been talking every day – sometimes on Skype, sometimes texts that Gray immediately deletes, even on his secret phone. Every time he pulls it out of the drawer, he’s petrified that Joel will find out, but being able to talk to Natsu is worth it.

“Why?” Gray asks, and he knows the answer, but he’s found that hearing Natsu say it out loud makes it easier.

“You’re taking care of yourself,” Natsu says. “Rogue said you looked better last time he saw you.”

Gray had asked Sting to keep his distance from the restaurant after the blowup with Joel, and Sting had reluctantly agreed. But Joel doesn’t know Rogue, so Rogue has been checking in with Gray every once in a while.

Gray sighs, rubbing his face and then looking up at Natsu. “I’m sorry,” he says, pulling his knees up to his chest.

Natsu frowns. “Why?”

“’cause… I…” Gray makes a frustrated sound. “I want to—to go. But I’m not… I can’t…”

“I know,” Natsu says gently. “It’s okay if you’re not ready. I love you no matter what.”

Gray nods, staring at Natsu’s image on the screen. His chest aches – he wants to be there, wants Natsu to hold him and love him and keep the world away from him for a while.

He’s about to say something else when the front door rattles. Gray freezes – Joel’s not supposed to be home for another two hours.

“I gotta go,” he whispers, then quickly shuts the phone and hides it, closing the bedside drawer as quietly as he can. He’s just scrambled out of bed and over to the closet when Joel appears in the doorway.

“Hey, babe,” Joel says, coming into the room and catching Gray around the waist. Gray’s immediately on edge – Joel doesn’t look angry, but sometimes his smile is worse than a scowl.

“Hey,” Gray says, forcing himself to smile. “You’re home early.”

Joel pulls Gray tight against him and kisses his forehead. “I decided to tell work to fuck off for the afternoon,” he says. “I know I’ve been kind of an asshole lately – I’m just so goddamn stressed out with these reports.”

“It’s okay,” Gray says quickly, wrapping his arms around Joel’s waist and ignoring the bubbling disquiet in his stomach. “Can I make it better?”

Joel shakes his head, slipping his fingers in Gray’s belt loops and leaning back. “Nope. This one’s on me – we’re going out for dinner to that place you like.”

Gray feels like he’s standing on the edge of the high-dive, dizzy and terrified and exhilarated all at the same time. Joel looks so sincere and so happy and handsome, and for a minute he reminds Gray of the boy he met all those years ago.

“You make me a better person,” Joel says, brushing Gray’s hair out of his face and giving him a soft, fond look. “You know that, right?”

Gray’s teetering on the edge – uncertainty is pushing him back, but he’s pulled forward by the potential of something better.

“I do?” he asks, searching Joel’s face for a lie and finding nothing but adoration.

“Yeah,” Joel says. “You’re the only one who puts up with my shit, even when I’m being a dick. I don’t deserve you.”

Natsu’s voice echoes through Gray’s mind – _no, you don’t –_ as Gray’s mind wavers between fear and wanting.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Joel says, kissing Gray on the nose. “I love you so much.”

Gray’s eyes flick over to his bedside table for just a second before he pushes away the image of Natsu and says, “I love you too.”


	18. broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel gets angry again, and Gray has to make a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Major TW for this chapter - serious verbal/physical abuse and attempted rape/noncon. If you'd prefer to read a summary of this chapter, just check the notes at the bottom. <3**

_i’ve still got the scars and they occasionally bleed_

bro·ken | \ ˈbrō-kən  
adjective  
**:** violently separated into parts

**.**

**xvii** ****  
**november** ****  
.

As soon as Gray walks in the front door the next Friday night, he knows he’s in trouble. Joel is home. He’s supposed to be at work, but instead he’s sitting on the couch, leaning forward and tossing his phone back and forth between his hands.

Bella trots over to Gray and he reaches down to scratch her ears, keeping his eyes on Joel.

“Hey,” Gray says quietly, kicking off his shoes and hanging up his keys. “You’re home early. How was wo—”

“Don’t play stupid.”

Joel’s voice is hard and it stops Gray in his tracks. He stands at the entrance to the living room, one hand still on Bella’s head. 

“What are you talking ab—”

Before Gray can finish, Joel is in front of him, grabbing him by the front of his shirt and shoving him against the bookshelf. Gray grunts in pain as the corner of the shelf digs into his back, and he brings both hands down to cover Joel’s.

“What did I say about lying?” Joel says, and his hot breath on Gray’s cheek smells like beer. “I told you not to fuckin’ lie to me again.”

Gray scrabbles at Joel’s fingers, trying to pry them off his shirt, but Joel slams him back against the shelf again. The back of Gray’s head connects with the wood and he groans as pain sparks behind his eyes.

“S-stop it,” Gray begs, blinking to clear his vision. He tries to shove Joel off, but Joel lets go of Gray’s shirt and grabs Gray’s throat instead.

“I found this,” Joel growls, and he holds up Gray’s secret phone.

 _Fuck._ Gray’s heart stops, then kicks back into overdrive, rabbit-thumping in his chest as his brain scrambles to figure out how to get out of this.

“Joel, baby, let go,” he says softly, quitting the struggle and relaxing against Joel’s grip. Every part of him wants to try to shove Joel off him again, but Gray knows it’s futile. Gray’s best bet is to just do what Joel wants. “C’mon, let’s go sit on the couch and tal—”

“I’m done talking,” Joel says as he tightens his fingers around Gray’s neck. “You never fucking listen anyway.”

“Stop,” Gray gasps around the grip on his throat. Panic wells up and spills out of him and he tries to cry out, to scream so that _someone_ will hear him, but he can’t breathe.

“Shut up,” Joel hisses, pressing harder. Gray’s starting to feel light-headed, and he kicks out at Joel’s leg while he tries to pull Joel’s fingers away from his throat. “You said you wouldn’t talk to him again.”

 _Please,_ Gray thinks, because he can’t suck in enough air to make the words. He’s suddenly certain that he’s going to die, and he pulls desperately at Joel’s hand, trying to break away from the tight grip.

A sharp bark breaks Joel’s focus and his fingers loosen just long enough for Gray to pull them away from his throat. Gray gasps in a deep breath as he looks down to see Bella standing there, growling at Joel. Gray is sure Joel is going to hit her, and he shoves Joel as hard as he can, putting himself in front of Bella.

“You fucking idiot,” Joel snarls. He takes the phone and throws it to the ground, grinding it under his foot until it cracks. Bella barks again and Gray tries to push her back, but she slips out from behind him and growls at Joel again.

Joel kicks her out of the way and grabs Gray by the hair. 

“Joel, stop, please,” Gray begs, voice hoarse. Joel ignores him, storming toward the bedroom and pulling Gray after him. Bella whines at Gray, trying to follow them, but as soon as they walk into the room, Joel turns around and slams the door in her face.

“Shut up,” Joel growls, letting go of Gray’s hair and shoving him back onto the bed. “You don’t listen so I’m gonna have to show you.” His eyes are wild, and Gray’s not sure if he’s ever seen Joel this angry before.

“Sh-show—” Gray’s words are interrupted by Joel crawling on top of him and kissing him, hard. Joel’s breath is hot and sour, and he bites down on Gray’s lip until the skin breaks. “Get _off_ me!” Gray shouts, pulling away from the kiss and pushing both hands against Joel’s chest.

Joel ignores him, leaning forward until he’s pressing Gray onto the bed, then grabs the collar of his shirt, tearing at it until the buttons pop open. Gray’s freezes for a second with disbelief – is Joel really...

Then the fear catches up and he squirms under Joel, trying to push him off, but he’s too heavy and it’s suffocating.

“Stop, please,” Gray begs, tipping his face away when Joel tries to kiss him again. “I don’t want—”

Joel growls and brings his hand down to Gray’s hip, digging his fingers in and then yanking at Gray’s pants. Gray’s brain has gone past panic into terror, and he writhes and twists under Joel, trying to get away.

Joel pops the button open on Gray’s jeans, and Gray can feel Joel hard against his thigh, so he does the only thing he can think of – he yells for help at the top of his lungs, then brings his knee up between Joel’s legs as hard as he can.

Joel grunts in pain, and Gray does it again, adrenaline burning in his blood. It still doesn’t get Joel off him, so Gray sits up as far as he can and headbutts Joel in the face.

Pain splits through Gray’s skull, but he ignores it because it worked. Joel’s disoriented, and Gray shoves him as hard as he can. Gray scrambles backward, looking around the room in blind panic before stumbling toward the ensuite bathroom and slamming the door shut behind him.

There’s silence in the bedroom for a second, then loud footsteps and a hand slamming against the wood.

“Open the door!”

Gray’s heart pounds in his chest as he twists the lock and backs away, pulling his regular phone out of his back pocket and holding it in his trembling hands. Joel keeps banging on the door, and Gray’s throat is so tight he can barely breathe.

“Stop it,” he whispers, wiping his hand across his face. It comes back bloody, and he turns to stare at his reflection mirror. A terrified stranger stares back at him – a boy with red marks on his throat and a split lip and a torn shirt.

He should call the police.

Gray looks down at his phone, fingers hovering over the ‘call’ button. He could do it – there’s nothing Joel could say, no way he could talk his way out of this. The police would take him away, and Gray would be—

“If your fuckin’ cop friend shows up, you’re gonna regret it,” Joel growls. He slams his fist on the door again, and Gray backs up further into the corner, pressing himself against the wall as his heart pounds in his chest.

“Fuck,” Gray whispers, unable to help the terrified whimper that escapes from his throat as he sinks to the floor. He closes the phone app and flips to his messages instead. Natsu’s name isn’t there, but Gray’s got his number memorized.

“Open this fucking door or I’m going to break it down.”

Gray closes his eyes, taking a shaky breath through his nose and exhaling as quietly as he can. He can hear Bella barking outside the bedroom, and the door handle rattles violently as Joel yanks on it again.

 _I need help,_ he types before he can change his mind, then hits ‘send’ and nearly throws up.

The answer from Natsu is almost instantaneous. _are you safe?_

 _No,_ Gray replies with shaking hands. He’s terrified – this feels so much worse than anything that’s happened before. _Can you come get me?_

 _yes._ Natsu’s message is both terrifying and a relief. _are you at home? i can have sting over there in 15 minutes, im already in the car._

Gray runs a hand over his face, pulling his knees tighter against his chest and shaking his head. Nobody can come right now, because Gray knows what Joel’s threat means. If Gray doesn’t listen, Joel will hurt Bella. 

 _I have to wait until he's asleep,_ he says instead, flinching at Joel’s shouting and the sound of wood cracking. _I’ll text you._

_is he hurting you? i wont be there for 3 hours._

_I’ll text you,_ Gray says again, ignoring the question.

_gray, are you hurt? do you need me to call the police?_

_Please, don’t. That’ll just make it worse._ Gray wipes at the tears on his cheeks and swallows hard, wincing at the pain in his throat. _He'll hurt Bella. Please._

 _sting can help you,_ Natsu replies, and Gray can almost hear his voice, sad and desperate. _i just want you to be okay._

 _Then wait,_ Gray says. _Please, it’s not safe. I’ll wait for you. I’ll text you once he’s asleep._ He stares at the message for a few seconds, then adds, _trust me._

Then Gray deletes the entire conversation and tucks his phone under the bathroom sink, behind the rolls of toilet paper. He slowly pushes himself to his feet, wincing at the pain in his head. “Joel?” he asks quietly. The banging has stopped, and Gray can just hear Bella barking in the hallway.

There’s a sigh from the other side of the door, and then a soft voice says, “I’m so sorry, baby.” Joel sounds so sincere and sad that for a second, Gray’s heart hurts for him, and he wants to apologize.

Then he looks back at his reflection; at his torn shirt, the red marks on his throat, his bloody nose, the tear tracks on his cheeks.

 _He did this,_ Gray thinks, squeezing his eyes shut and digging his fingernails into his palms. _It’s not my fault._ The words don’t always feel true, but he pictures Natsu saying them, Natsu telling Gray that he deserves better, Sting saying that Joel shouldn’t hurt him no matter how angry he is.

Gray looks back at the sink where his phone is hidden, then lets out a shaky breath and leans against the door. Natsu will be here soon, and once Joel’s asleep, Gray can leave with him – run away and leave this all behind.

Until then, he just has to survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Joel finds the secret phone that Gray's been using to call Natsu. He gets drunk and assaults Gray, choking him and attempting to rape him. Gray manages to escape and lock himself in the bathroom - he's tempted to tell the cops but Joel threatens to hurt Bella. Instead, Gray texts Natsu to come pick him up once Joel falls asleep. Joel calms down and apologizes, and Gray tells himself he just has to survive until Natsu gets there.


	19. courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu takes Gray to the hospital, and Gray has to decide if he's ready for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for discussion of abuse/rape/noncon

_it’s hard to love with a heart that’s hurting_   

cour· age | \ ˈkər-ij   
noun   
**:** mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty 

**.**   

**xv** **ii** **i**    
**november**    
**.**  

Gray doesn’t talk on the way to the hospital. All he can do is grip Natsu’s hand as hard as he can and focus on not throwing up again. He’s cold and sore and exhausted, and no matter how far he presses himself back into the seat, he still feels exposed and defenseless.    

When they pull into the  ER parking lot, Gray lets go of Natsu’s hand and wraps his arms around himself. “I’m sorry,” he whispers as a wave of guilt washes over him. “I didn’t—I’m sorry.”    

“Don’t apologize,” Natsu says gently as he turns off the car and turns to look at Gray. “I’m really proud of you. I know you weren’t ready.”    

_I was never going to be ready,_ Gray thinks.    

Gray tries to pull in on himself, but everything aches and he winces, shifting uncomfortably. He can feel Natsu studying him out of the corner of his eye, and Gray wishes he could disappear.    

“We need to get you checked out,” Natsu says after a minute. Gray reaches up and tries to pull his torn shirt back into place to cover up the red marks on his neck.    

“’m fine,” he says automatically, but his voice is raspy and he starts to cough. His throat hurts so badly that tears well up in his eyes.    

“No, you’re not,” Natsu says, reaching out and putting his hand between them –  an offer, not a demand. Gray doesn’t take it. “Gray, it—”    

“He didn’t mean to,” Gray interrupts, because that’s what he’s always said, and if it’s not true, then that means that…   

“Yes, he did,” Natsu says, voice gentle  but firm. “It wasn’t an accident, and I know that you know that.”    

Gray groans, pressing his forehead to the window. He’s so tired, and all he can think about is Joel waking up without him, wondering where he is.    

“I… this was a mistake,” he whispers, and he can’t stop himself from shaking, no matter how hard he tries. The words are spilling from them and they aren’t even his. They’re Joel’s words, even here, even after Gray has left. “I have to go back, I have to—I can make it right.”    

Natsu shakes his head. “You can’t make it right,” he says, “because you didn’t do anything wrong.”    

Tears spill down Gray’s cheeks and he wipes at his face, wincing when he brushes over his bloody nose. Everything hurts, and he’s trying so hard to push it away like he always does, but he can’t. It’s all raw and ragged like the edges of the cut from the bar fight, but there’s nothing he can do to stitch it back together.   

He swallows, then reaches out tentatively and takes Natsu’s hand.   

“I’m so, so glad you texted me,” Natsu said, running his thumb over Gray’s fingers. “I know you’re scared, and I know you think you should go back, but he could have killed you.”   

“He wouldn’t,” Gray whispers, but the words are weak and he doesn’t believe them.   

“Maybe not tonight,” Natsu says. “But he’s dangerous, and you deserve better.”    

Gray takes a shaky breath, looking between Natsu and the pale white of the neon sign for the emergency department. If he goes in there, if he tells them, he can’t go back.   

“Gray, look at me,” Natsu says, squeezing his hand. Gray wants to be stubborn and keep staring out the window, but Natsu’s voice is so soft that he can’t help looking over. “There you go.” The smile Natsu gives Gray makes him feel a little bit less lost. “I know this is really hard and scary, but I’m gonna be right here with you for as much as you want me to be, okay?”    

A quiet sob breaks from Gray’s chest and he squeezes Natsu’s hand, trying to keep himself here. It  _hurts_ \- not just his body, but a deep, heavy ache in his chest that makes him feel like he’s drowning.    

He wants to leave himself, not feel anything, but he can’t.   

“Please don’t go,” he whispers around the tears as Natsu lets go of his hand and gets out of the car.    

“I’m not,” Natsu says, coming around to Gray’s side and opening his door. He reaches out for Gray, letting Gray be the one to take his hands. When Gray stands up, he nearly collapses, and Natsu catches him, holding him gently by his forearms.  

Gray hesitates because everything hurts, and if nobody touches him, it can’t get worse. But he’s tired and terrified, so he leans into Natsu, letting out another sob when warm arms wrap around him and Natsu presses his face into Gray’s hair. Gray grips Natsu’s shirt tightly, shaking against him while Natsu makes soft, comforting noises.   

“I’m not gonna leave,” Natsu whispers, kissing the top of Gray’s head and letting Gray fall apart in his arms. “I promise. I’m never going to leave you again.”     

  

* * *

  

Doris is working again, and when she takes Gray into the back, she glares suspiciously at Natsu.    

“It wasn’t him,” Gray says quietly, staring at the floor. Doris squeezes his hands, then nods for Natsu to come sit next to Gray while she starts checking him over.    

There’s not much she can do. He doesn’t need any more stitches, and all she can do for the multitude of bruises is give him ice and painkillers.    

He lets her see all of the injuries and write them down on her clipboard, never looking at her. Natsu holds his hand the whole time, keeping him grounded, keeping him  _here_ and protected and safe.     

“Did someone do this to you?” Doris asks, just like the last time. 

Gray’s fingers tighten around Natsu’s, and for a terrifying second he wants to say no, wants to change his mind, play it off as a one-time thing because Joel’s a good person, he just had too much to drink.   

_I know what it’s like to love somebody so much that you want them to be the best thing in the world for you, even when they’re not._   

“Yes,” Gray says instead.    

Everything after that is a blur of phone calls and voices that Gray doesn’t listen to. It’s hazy and vague and when Natsu helps him up from the chair, Gray can barely feel anything at all.    

Doris moves them to another room that’s smaller and carpeted and has a couch instead of hard plastic chairs, and drapes a blanket over Gray’s shoulders.    

“Do you want me to stay?” Natsu asks, crouching down in front of Gray. Gray grips his hand tightly and nods, and when Natsu sits down next to him, Gray presses himself up against Natsu’s side. Natsu carefully puts his arm around Gray, rubbing his shoulder as he shakes.    

“You’re gonna be okay,” Natsu whispers. “I’m here, I’m not gonna leave you.”   

It seems like a lifetime before somebody knocks on the door. Gray looks up to see Sting in the doorway, accompanied by an older female officer that Gray doesn’t recognize.    

“Hey,” Sting says gently, crouching down next to the couch. “How’re you doin’?”    

Gray shrugs. Everything feels unreal, like he’s made of nothing but occasional sparks of pain.    

“I know it hurts, but I’m proud of you,” Sting says gently. His expression isn’t one of pity or judgement or disbelief – it’s understanding. Solidarity. “We’re gonna do everything we can to help, okay? Do you know where Joel is right now?”    

“Home,” Gray says, staring at the badge on Sting’s uniform. “When... he passed out. Drunk. Probably still asleep.”    

“Does he have any weapons in the house?” Sting asks.    

“I... don’t think so.”    

Natsu rubs his thumb back and forth over Gray’s shoulder, and Gray focuses on that, on the pattern, on the way it doesn’t hurt.    

“He... Bella.” Gray’s throat tightens and it’s not just the bruises. “My dog, she...” He rubs his face. “I had to leave, she... s-saved me, and I just, I left her, and...”    

The tears that were previously numbed away appear again, and Gray rests his head against Natsu’s shoulder.    

“I’m going to do everything I can to help you, and her,” Sting says, then squeezes Gray’s knee and stands up. He moves toward the door, reaching for the radio on his shoulder.   

“Dispatch, this is Eucliffe, requesting officers at 6 Willowdale Crescent for domestic disturbance and assault. I’m with the vic at the hospital, suspect is possibly under the influence and potentially violent, uncertain if weapons are present on the premises.”    

There’s a staticky response as Sting leaves the room, but Gray can’t focus on what they’re saying.   

_… domestic disturbance... assault... violent..._   

The sound of a chair scraping along the floor makes Gray jump, and Natsu squeezes his hand reassuringly. When Gray looks up, the female officer is sitting in front of him, holding a notepad and smiling apologetically.    

“My name’s Kelly,” she says. “Is it okay if I ask you some questions?”   

Gray nods, staring down at his bitten nails.    

“I know you’re probably really tired,” Kelly says gently. “I’m sorry that we have to do this now, but we need to know as much as possible so we can help keep Joel away from you. Do you think you can tell me what happened?”    

This is the precipice, and Gray has to decide whether or not he wants to jump.    

“My... he...” Gray swallows, then squeezes Natsu’s hand tightly and starts again. “Joel attacked me.” He brings his hand up to the red marks on his neck. “He choked me. I... he was drunk.” Nothing feels real. “He... the bedroom, he p-pushed me...”    

He can feel the ghost of Joel’s breath on his neck, Joel grinding against him, Joel biting his lip until it bled.    

Natsu runs his thumb up and down Gray’s arm, and it draws Gray back into the room.    

“He t-tried...” The words are stuck.  _He tried to rape me._ Gray just has to say them, but he can’t. “H-he... I...”    

“Did he sexually assault you?” Kelly asks, voice soft.    

There. She said the words for him. “He tried to,” Gray says quietly. “I... I got away and hid in the bathroom.”     

Natsu makes a soft, sad sound, and holds Gray a little bit tighter.    

“Has Joel physically injured you before?” Kelly asks.    

“Yes.”   

“How many times has Joel hurt you?”   

Gray almost wants to laugh at the absurdity of the question. “Lots,” he says.   

“Can you estimate?” Kelly asks. “How often does it happen?”   

Gray leans into Natsu. “We’ve been together – we were together for five years,” Gray says. Now that he’s admitted it, said it out loud, it doesn’t seem as impossible for them to believe him. “N-not often at first. But, um… at least once a week. Or couple of weeks.”   

“Has he ever forced you to be intimate before tonight?”   

Gray nods, then turns and presses his face into Natsu’s shoulder. Natsu wraps his arm around Gray, kissing his head and whispering, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”   

There are more questions –  _how did you get that injury? Can we take pictures of the bruises? When did this happen? Did he use any weapons?_ Gray answers them as best he can, but the more he talks, the more his throat hurts, and the more the exhaustion pulls down on him.   

Natsu offers to leave the room while Kelly photographs all the injuries, but Gray can’t let go of his hand. If Natsu stops holding onto him, Gray will turn into a thousand tiny pieces of nothing and will never be able to put himself back together.    

“I know lots of people have probably told you this before,” Kelly says after she’s finished photographing and filling out the report, “but this isn’t your fault. Do you have somewhere safe to stay?”    

Natsu immediately nods, squeezing Gray’s hand. “We’re gonna stay with Sting and Rogue tonight,” he says to Gray. “So we don’t have to drive all the way back to my place. Is that okay?”   

At this point, Gray can’t do anything but nod.    

  

* * *

  

Gray falls asleep in the car on the way to Sting and Rogue’s place. He barely wakes up when they arrive, and Natsu wraps an arm around his waist to help him to the guest bedroom.    

“You with me?” Natsu asks softly, crouching down in front of where Gray’s sitting on the bed. Gray slowly drags his gaze up to Natsu’s and gives a half-hearted nod. Natsu’s holding a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, and he sets them next to Gray. “Those are Rogue’s, they should fit you – I'm gonna go get your stuff from the restaurant tomorrow.”    

Gray reaches out slowly and touches the clothes, then looks back at Natsu. “I...” He’s so tired, and talking hurts his throat, but he manages to whisper, “stay?”    

Natsu takes Gray’s hand, bringing it up to his lips and kissing Gray’s knuckles. “You sure?” he asks. “I can pull out some blankets and sleep on the floor if—”    

Gray shakes his head. “I need...” He sighs, rubbing his face.    

Natsu nods. “Do you wanna get changed and I’ll come back?”    

Everything hurts, and Gray’s pretty sure he can’t do it by himself. “Help?”    

Natsu’s hands are gentle as he runs them up Gray’s arms, giving Gray plenty of time to pull away before he undoes the buttons on Gray’s ripped shirt, pushing it back over his shoulders. “Okay?” he asks as he guides Gray’s arms into the hoodie, careful to avoid the worst of the bruises. Gray nods.    

Once Gray’s changed, he curls up on the bed and Natsu lays down beside him, resting his hand between them for Gray to take. Instead, Gray shifts closer, wrapping  Natsu’s arm around him and pressing his face to Natsu’s chest.    

“I love you so much,” Natsu whispers. “And that can mean whatever you need it to mean.”     

Gray bunches Natsu’s shirt in his fingers and tucks a leg between Natsu’s, getting as close as he can. Part of him knows he shouldn’t want this, not after what Joel did, but all he wants is to feel safe, and Natsu is the safest place he knows.    

Natsu starts humming softly, running his fingers lightly up and down Gray’s back, kissing his forehead, holding him close. The last thing Gray remembers thinking before he falls asleep is that he can handle the world if all that’s in it is the circle of Natsu’s arms.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Kelly is the same officer who helped Sting get away from his dad when he was little <3


	20. survive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone keeps telling Gray he's safe, but he's having a hard time believing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for description of injuries from abuse

_i know a place where we can run_

sur·vive | \ sər-ˈvīv  
transitive verb  
**:** to continue to live or exist after

**.**

**x** **ix**  
**november**

**.**

When Gray wakes up the next morning, Natsu is still asleep. Gray must have rolled over at some point during the night, and Natsu’s curled up behind him, arm wrapped around Gray’s stomach, nose pressed into Gray’s hair. He’s snoring softly, and Gray can feel each breath on the back of his neck.

There’s a soft squeak, and Gray turns to see Frosch sitting on the bed next to him, looking at him curiously. She rubs herself against his arm, making another strange, high-pitched purr as he slowly reaches over to pet her.

“Hey,” he whispers, and immediately regrets it. His throat feels like he swallowed broken glass – sharp and raw.

Everything hurts, but he can’t think about it.

Gray looks over at Natsu’s face - open and peaceful in sleep. His hair is in his eyes, and Gray reaches over to tuck it behind his ear, running his fingers over the freckles on Natsu’s cheek.

Natsu saved his life.

Vague images of yesterday are starting to come back to him – Gray remembers everything, but he’s putting it in tiny boxes, hidden away in pieces so he doesn’t have to think about anything as a whole.

He watches Natsu sleep for a while longer, then slips out from under his arm, pushing himself to his feet and trying to stretch. The painkillers from the hospital are nowhere to be seen and Gray sighs, heading out into the kitchen to find them.

Rogue is up, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and doing the crossword. When Gray comes in the room he looks up and smiles, setting down his pen and stretching.

“Coffee?” he asks, then glances down at the marks on Gray’s neck and shakes his head. “Sorry, stupid question. I can make a smoothie if you’d like? Sting keeps buying bananas and never eating them, so we have about twenty of them in the freezer.”

Rogue rolls his eyes and Gray feels his lip curl up in a tiny smile as he nods. He settles down at the stool by the island, rubbing his eyes and wincing, and when Rogue passes him a couple pills and a glass of water, he tips his head in thanks.

“One of these days I should just make banana bread,” Rogue says, pulling open the freezer and gesturing at all the bananas. “I hate baking, though. Do you bake?”

Gray opens his mouth to say something, then thinks better of it and shakes his head instead.

“Sting’s actually pretty good at it,” Rogue continues, rummaging through the fridge. “Except he’s so forgetful that he sometimes leaves things in the oven until they’re black. He almost burned our last apartment down when he tried to make a cake for my birthday.”

Gray huffs out a quiet laugh, then leans forward on his elbows as he watches Rogue move around the kitchen. Rogue keeps talking about nothing – how their wedding photographer is charging way too much, how Sting never puts his laundry in the basket _even though it’s right next to the bed,_ how Sting really needs to get his paperwork together so they can finally file their taxes.

The words blend into quiet background noise, and it reminds Gray of talking to Natsu on the phone – pointless nonsense that takes him away from the thoughts racing through his head. Gray wants to say _thank you,_ wants to tell Rogue how much his normal, everyday conversation means, but he can’t make the words.

When Rogue smiles at Gray and squeezes his hand, Gray’s pretty sure Rogue knows.

 

* * *

 

Eventually Rogue heads off to shower and Natsu appears in the kitchen door, shirt rumpled and hair sticking up in every direction. Gray can see that he’s trying to keep his face neutral, but the lines by his eyes are drawn with...

Gray’s actually not sure what feeling it is. He’d assumed it was pity, but that’s not quite right.

“Hey, you,” Natsu says. “You look tired. Wanna come sit?”

Gray nods, following Natsu into the living room and settling down next to him on the couch. Natsu opens up his arms in an offer that Gray gratefully accepts. A little bit of shifting later, Natsu is pressed up against the back of the couch, Gray facing him with his head tucked under Natsu’s chin.

“You sleep okay?” Natsu asks quietly, running his fingers through Gray’s hair. Gray nods, even though he’s already exhausted. “Good,” Natsu says, kissing the top of Gray’s head. “Do you wanna talk? Or just watch something stupid on TV?”

Gray sighs, pressing his face to Natsu’s chest and playing with the zipper of Natsu’s hoodie. He shakes his head, gesturing to his throat.

“I’m so sorry,” Natsu whispers, wrapping both arms around Gray and holding him tight. Gray shakes his head – _not your fault._ “I can’t... gods, thinking about him hurting you like that, I just...”

Natsu’s fingers trace gentle patterns down Gray’s spine, soothing the ache. Gray can feel Natsu shaking against him and he knows Natsu’s crying, but he doesn’t know what to do. He hurts too much to be able to make it better.

“It’s not your fault,” Natsu whispers through his tears, pressing his face to Gray’s hair. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, but I will be now. I promise, okay?” He looks down and tips Gray’s head up until they’re looking at each other, and they’re so close that Gray can count the freckles across Natsu’s nose. “I promise,” Natsu whispers again.

Gray nods, sighing and trying to relax back against Natsu. He’s so fucking tired, but he’s having a hard time pushing everything away. The boxes are opening, spilling out and flooding through him until he can barely breathe. It feels like Joel’s fingers are around his throat again and he’s gasping for air, certain he’s going to die.

“I’m here.” Natsu’s soft voice and gentle fingers in Gray’s hair bring him back to the present, and Gray lets out a shaky breath. “You’re safe.”

Gray can’t remember what safe feels like, but Natsu’s never hurt him, so he tries his best to believe the words.

 

* * *

 

The sound of keys in the door is like a shock – Gray's instantly awake and his heart is racing, mind desperately trying to figure out where he is. Somebody’s arms are around him and he shoves them away, hard, then finds himself on the floor. Tension pulls at him and everything aches all over again as every muscle in Gray’s body tightens into a flinch.

“It’s okay,” Natsu says gently. Gray looks up – Natsu's still lying on the couch, eyes bleary with sleep, hair sticking up in every direction, hand out to Gray. Gray stares at Natsu for a second then shakes his head, wrapping his arms around himself instead. Heat creeps into his cheeks and he wishes he could sink into the floor and disappear.

The door swings open and Gray exhales shakily – _it’s not Joel. It’s not Joel. It’s not Joel._ Everything aches and his chest is tight and he can’t breathe and—

Instead of footsteps, there’s the jingling of dog tags and a quiet _woof._

Gray’s eyes fly open as Bella barrels down the hallway, crashing against the couch and nearly into Gray’s lap. She’s squirming and headbutting him and making the quiet whining sound that he knows means _I missed you, I love you, you’re my best friend._

Gray bursts into tears.

“Good girl,” he whispers wetly, wrapping his arms around her neck and pressing his face into her fur. She licks his cheek, wriggling happily until she’s cuddled up against him with her paws across his legs.

Gray pulls back and runs his hands over her face, inspecting her for any injuries. He doesn’t find any, and he lets out a quiet sob, pressing their foreheads together.

There’s a cautious touch on Gray’s shoulder and he looks up to see Sting crouched there, Bella’s leash in his hand.

“Thank you,” Gray whispers, running his fingers through Bella’s fur.

“He didn’t hurt her,” Sting says gently, setting the leash down on the coffee table and squeezing Gray’s shoulder. “She had lots of fun riding in the back of the police cruiser, didn’t you, girl?” Sting puts his hand out and Bella licks it happily, nudging his hand until he scratches behind her ears.

Gray exhales slowly as the terrified tension leaves his body, melting with the soft fur under his fingertips. They sit in silence for a moment, then Gray peeks up at Sting again and asks, “what happened?” The words scrape at his throat.

“We have Joel in custody,” Sting says. “He’ll have a bail hearing tomorrow, but with the evidence against him, they’ll likely deny him. And if they don’t, we can make up a no-contact order for you.”

Gray nods shakily, wiping at his face with the back of his hand. He looks up at Natsu, who reaches down and takes Gray’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

“You’re safe now,” Sting says, and his voice is soft and reassuring enough that Gray sort of believes him. “You can stay here for as long as you want, and I can take you back to the apartment to get anything you need.”

Gray shakes his head. “I don’t wanna go back,” he says, voice raspy and thick with tears. “I can’t.”

“That’s okay,” Sting says quickly. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You’re safe, and we’re gonna keep it that way.”

Frosch appears next to Sting and rubs herself against his leg, then looks up curiously at Bella. She meows at him, then jumps into Gray’s lap.

“Be nice,” Gray warns as Bella notices Frosch and immediately starts to sniff her. Frosch is smaller than Bella’s head, but she’s fearless as she reaches out and gently bats Bella’s nose. Bella noses at Frosch, sniffing her and then giving her a lick that runs from her head to her tail.

“Looks like Bella has a new best friend,” Natsu says. He’s sitting up now, running his hands through his messy hair, and when he slips down onto the floor next to Gray, Gray leans against him gratefully.

Gray looks over at Sting again, trying to convey gratitude without words. Sting slides his hand down Gray’s arm and squeezes his hand gently, giving him that look again – understanding. Solidarity.

Gray is suddenly hit by the mental image of eleven-year-old Sting, terrified and bruised and bloody, wondering what he’d done to make someone hurt him that badly. Before Gray can change his mind, he leans forward and hugs Sting tightly, letting out a shaky breath when Sting settles down on the floor beside him and returns the embrace.

“I know,” Sting says softly. “You can do this.”

Gray can’t let go of him, can’t let go of Natsu’s hand, because they're the only things holding him here. Without them, he’s nothing but tiny pieces of fear and hurt that will fall apart and disappear forever.

 

* * *

 

“You wanna take a shower?” Sting asks eventually.

Gray blinks a few times – he’d almost fallen asleep between them again, wrapped in Natsu’s arms and leaning against Sting.

He nods, letting Sting help him to his feet. Bella whines, but when Natsu moves back to the couch and pats the spot beside him, Bella jumps onto it and immediately plops her head into his lap. Sting leads Gray down the hall to the bathroom, grabbing a clean set of clothes and a towel on their way.

“Let me know if you need anything else,” Sting says, closing the door and leaving Gray alone with himself.

When Gray looks in the mirror, he wishes he hasn’t.

It’s still a stranger staring back at him – his left eye is bruised and swollen so badly it’s almost closed, and his lip is split and red with crusted blood. The marks on his neck terrify him – fingerprints forming into bruises on his throat, scratch marks from where Gray tried to pry away Joel’s hand, tiny red divots where Joel had dug in his nails.

Gray stares at his reflection for a long time, and when he finally gets undressed, there’s more. Bruises on his hips, his forearms, his ribs – it’s like his body is nothing but a canvas for marks of red and purple. A place for pain.

He turns on the water as hot as he can, then sits down in the tub, letting it burn away the ghost of Joel’s fingerprints. Gray’s shoulders shake as he starts to cry, face pressed against his knees, arms wrapped around his legs. Maybe if he makes himself small enough, he won’t exist anymore.

Is that what he wants? Part of him hurts so badly that he thinks just not existing would be easier, and his mind drifts back to the broken glass vase and the tiny white scars on his forearm.

It would be easy, but he’s trying so fucking hard to be brave.


	21. support

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray's trying to be okay, but he still feels like he's falling apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentions of drinking/alcoholism and self-harm

_they mean everything to me_

sup·port | \ sə-ˈpȯrt  
transitive verb  
**:** to keep from yielding or losing courage

**.**

**xx**   
**november**   
**.**

Sting is right, and Joel doesn’t get out on bail. Instead, words like ‘arraignment’ and ‘preliminary hearing’ and ‘testimony’ get tossed around while Gray curls up in the bedroom and refuses to talk to anyone.

Natsu sits with him, sometimes, running his fingers through Gray’s hair and telling him that he’s brave, he’s safe, he’s going to be okay. Gray wants to believe him, but he feels like a scared, stupid little boy, and he’s so, so tired.

Three days after the hospital, Kelly comes back to take more pictures for evidence. Gray can’t even look at her, just stares dully at a crack in the baseboard as the camera shutter clicks again and again and again.

After she leaves, he can’t stop crying. When he tries to lock himself in the bathroom, he realizes that he can’t, because someone took the lock out of the handle. He knows why and he wants to scream in frustration, but instead just stares at his reflection in the mirror – red and black and blue and broken.

When Natsu finds Gray curled up in the shower, fully dressed with the water running as hot as possible, he doesn’t yell or cry or lecture. He just turns off the water and slips into the tub next to Gray, ignoring the dampness spreading through his jeans. He wraps his arms around Gray and holds him close, running his fingers over the bright red skin of Gray’s arms.  

“It hurts,” Gray whispers, tears hot on his cheeks. “I... I wish he’d...”

He can’t say it, but he knows that Natsu knows what he means. Neither of them says anything, and Natsu just sits there, steady and calm, while Gray cries and cries.

 

* * *

 

That night, Gray can’t sleep. Natsu is unbearably hot next to him, the sheets scratch his skin, and every time he closes his eyes, he feels Joel. Joel’s lips on Gray’s, Joel’s fingers around Gray’s throat, Joel’s hand scrabbling at Gray’s pants.

Gray can’t remove the thoughts, so he tries to replace them. He tries to think of Natsu, kissing him at the lake. Natsu, touching Gray in the back seat of his dad’s car. Natsu, pressing against him in the alley behind the bar.

Suddenly Gray really, really wants a drink.

He carefully slips out from under Natsu’s arm, patting Bella’s head reassuringly before closing the bedroom door behind him. Nobody else is up, and Gray wanders into the kitchen. A thin ray of moonlight spills through the curtains and across the countertop, and Gray traces it with his fingers before looking up at the cupboards.

“We don’t have any alcohol.”

Gray jumps at Sting’s voice, spinning around and grunting in pain when he hits his hip on the edge of the counter. Sting is next to him immediately, but when he reaches out for Gray’s arm, Gray pulls away, shaking his head.

It’s hard to see in the dark, and Gray is suddenly terrified that Sting is angry. His heart leaps into his throat and he takes a step back, wrapping his arms around his stomach. Sting must read his mind because he slowly reaches behind him and flips on the light.

When Gray looks up, he realizes that Sting’s still in uniform, and he’s yawning and rubbing his eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Sting says. “I just got home. You hungry?”

Gray shrugs. He hasn’t been eating much – both because it hurts like hell to swallow and because he just doesn’t really care. Sting gestures to the fridge before moving carefully past Gray.

A few minutes later, they’re both sitting on the couch with bowls of ice cream – Sting now dressed in sweatpants and a faded _Star Trek_ t-shirt. Gray’s trying to eat slowly, but as soon as he takes a bite, he realizes how hungry he really is. Sting doesn’t say anything when Gray finishes his own ice cream, then accepts Sting’s offer of the rest of his, too.

A comfortable silence settles between the two of them after a while, broken only by Frosch and Lector hopping up onto the couch, drawn by the promise of food. Gray lets Frsoch lick some of the melted ice cream from his fingertips, while Lector shoves his face in Sting’s bowl much less delicately.

“Don‘t tell Rogue,” Sting says, grinning as he scratches Lector behind the ears. Gray laughs, setting his bowl down on the coffee table and then curling up in the corner with Frosch settled into a purring ball in his lap.

“Catch.” Sting reaches into his pocket and tosses something over to Gray. Gray’s too slow to grab it, and when it bounces onto the couch, Frosch immediately bats at it. Gray nudges her away, then picks up the item and examines it.

It’s a small, bronze coin with a triangle in the center, and the letter ‘V’ surrounded by the words _unity, service_ and _recovery._ Around the border it says, ‘to thine own self be true.’

“It’s a sobriety chip,” Sting explains. Gray’s eyes widen as he realizes that it’s not the letter ‘V,’ it’s the roman numeral for ‘5.’

“You...” Gray runs his thumb over the coin, then looks back up at Sting, who gives him a small half-smile.

“I know it fucking hurts like hell,” Sting says gently, “but I promise that drinking will just make it hurt worse.”

“I don’t think it _can_ hurt worse,” Gray whispers, running his thumb over the chip.

“You’d be surprised,” Sting says. “Ask Natsu about the first time he met me.” Gray raises an eyebrow. “I threw up on his shoes,” Sting adds, and Gray’s pretty sure his cheeks turn a bit pink.

“Really?” Gray has a hard time picturing Sting drunk.

“Mm.” Sting tips his head back, staring up at the ceiling. “I was a wreck.” He’s quiet for bit, then adds, “none of it helped – drinking, drugs, hurting myself.” He holds out his arms and Gray can see thin, white scars running across his freckled skin. “I thought that maybe I could hurt myself worse than he hurt me, and then I’d be in control, but… that’s not how it works.”

Gray thinks about the broken glass, the torn flower petals, the tiny red beads of blood across the bruises.

“I feel stupid,” Gray says, rolling the coin between his fingers. “I… you all tried to help me. Before. And I just—I didn’t listen, and I should have, and now it’s just… and there’s this stupid part of me that doesn’t want him to get in trouble, that’s still scared that he’ll get angry at me.”

Sting reaches out and nudges Gray’s foot with his own. “You can be scared and still go on,” he says. “I haven’t seen my dad in ten years and I’m still terrified of him.”

Gray frowns. “That’s… not very reassuring.”

“No, I didn’t…” Sting shakes his head, still looking up at the ceiling. “I just meant you’re not stupid. It doesn’t matter how long it took, you left, and even if you hadn’t, you still wouldn’t be stupid. I know it’s not that easy.”

“If…” Gray focuses on running his finger over Frosch’s nose. “If I hadn’t left, he…” He sighs, shaking his head. “What if I’m never okay?”

Sting’s foot touches Gray’s again, but Gray can’t look up at him. Instead he focuses on the ridges of the coin under his fingers.

“’Okay’ isn’t really a thing,” Sting says after a while. “I still…” He pauses. “Does it help, if I tell you this stuff? Or does it make it worse?”

“It helps,” Gray says, so quiet that he’s not sure Sting can hear him.

Lector has settled onto Sting’s chest and Sting scratches behind his ears. “I still have nightmares,” Sting says softly. “There’s still things that set me off – little, stupid things, and suddenly it’s like I’m this…” He swallows, and Gray’s stomach twists when he realizes that Sting’s got tears in his eyes. “I feel small. Helpless. Trying to figure out what I did wrong so I can make it right, even though nobody’s really angry.”

Gray’s torn between relief that Sting understands, and grief for the little boy that experienced so much hurt.

“That doesn’t go away,” Sting continues eventually, wiping at his cheeks. “But you get better at living with it. At recognizing when your brain is lying to you. At trusting people. And you can’t do that if you’re drunk or high or hurting yourself.”

Gray lets out a shaky breath, staring down at his hands. He feels a bit unreal, like this is all happening to someone else and he’s watching it from far away. Part of him wants to let go, but Sting is brave, and Rogue is kind, and Natsu is safe, so maybe Gray can stay.

“You should sleep.” Sting sits up, nudging Lector onto the floor and pushing himself to his feet. He reaches out to Gray, helping him up and then gesturing toward the bedroom where Gray can hear Natsu snoring softly.

“It’ll get better,” Sting says, squeezing Gray’s hand as he takes the chip back. “But right now… it’s okay to not be okay.”

 

* * *

 

After a week, Gray’s able to recognize himself in the mirror. His eye isn’t so swollen, and the mottled purplish bruises have faded to a yellowed green. The marks around his neck are still there – a faded red handprint – but Natsu lends him a hoodie that zips all the way up to his chin, and Gray wears it everywhere.

“How’d you sleep?” Natsu asks. It’s Saturday morning and they’re curled up on the couch in the living room while Sting and Rogue clean up after breakfast. Gray’s leaning back against Natsu’s chest, eyes closed while Natsu combs his fingers through Gray’s hair.

“Okay,” Gray says, and he’s surprised to find that he’s not lying. The little white pills that the hospital gave him are helping. They make everything light and soft, and let him close his eyes without being ripped apart by memories. Rogue keeps them locked up in the medicine cabinet, and while it makes Gray feel like a child, he’s also glad that he doesn’t have to deal with the temptation.

Natsu kisses the top of Gray’s head and whispers, “good.”

The doorbell rings and Gray immediately flinches, but Natsu’s gentle hands and whispered, “it’s okay,” are reassuring. Gray keeps his eyes trained on the hole in the knee of his jeans as Bella hops down from the couch and trots after Rogue to see who it is.

“Joel’s still in jail,” Natsu says, running his hands up and down Gray’s arms as if trying to brush away the tension. “You’re safe.”

Gray nods, then freezes as he hears a familiar voice in the hallway. When he looks up, Erza is standing in the entrance to the living room.  

“Hey, you,” she says softly, giving Gray a small, sad smile.

Gray just stares. She’s cut her hair shorter, and she’s wearing more makeup than he remembers, but it’s her – the girl he used to have slumber parties with, who kicked her legs out the window when they drove around town, who put too much sugar in her coffee.

The girl who warned him that Joel wasn’t good for him, and Gray didn’t fucking listen.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, looking down at Natsu’s hands on his arms.

Erza settles down on the couch near him, reaching out hesitantly and resting a hand on his knee. He can’t look at her – doesn’t want to see the pity or frustration in her eyes.

“Gray,” she says, voice gentle and kind. “I missed you.”

“I’m sorry,” he says again, but he can see her hair bob as she shakes her head.

“No, _I’m_ sorry,” she says, shifting a bit closer and reaching out her hand. He stares at it hesitantly, then reaches out and takes it, a warm sense of comfort flooding through him when their fingers touch. “I wish I could have helped sooner, I…”

Natsu nudges Gray until he’s sitting up, and when Gray finally looks at Erza, the only thing in her eyes is relief.

“I missed you so much,” she says, reaching out and pulling him into a hug.

Gray stiffens for a second, then relaxes against her, pressing his forehead against her shoulder and letting out a shaky breath. He doesn’t have any more tears, just an exhausted sense of grief and regret.

“I…” His voice is rough, but he has to say it, has to explain, has to tell her that he wishes he’d listened, that she was right. “I th-thought you guys—he told me that you—”

“It’s okay,” Erza says, shifting on the couch until Gray is wrapped up between her and Natsu, and Gray thinks of that day at the beach all those years ago when they said, _we know, we love you, we were waiting for you to be ready._

“I just…”

“I’m not mad,” Erza says, and Gray wants so badly to believe her. “I’m just so happy that you’re alive.” She leans back and cups his cheek in her hand, running her thumb gently over the healing bruises. “I want to kill that fucking asshole.”

There’s a tiny voice in Gray’s head that whispers, _he didn’t mean it, he’s not a bad person, he just had too much to drink._ He bites his tongue and tells it to shut up.

“I’m sorry I missed your wedding,” Gray says, trying to keep shame from creeping into his cheeks. Erza squeezes his hand, and he hesitantly adds, “Natsu, um… he told me about the thing with Loke’s… date.”

Erza snorts, shaking her head. “Yeah, he’s still a piece of work,” she says. The tightness in Gray’s chest eases a bit at her familiar smile. “Did he show you the pictures?”

They spend a while looking at photos on Erza’s phone, and Gray slowly relaxes between them. Being curled up in Natsu’s lap with Erza’s arm around him feels like home. Eventually Sting and Rogue join them with cookies and coffee, and for a while, Gray starts to feel normal. Like this is how his life was supposed to be.

He’s not okay now, but maybe one day he can be.


	22. abide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray has to deal with Joel's trial, and realizes that he misses his parents.

_you can be who you are_

abide \ ə-ˈbīd  
verb  
: to endure without yielding

**.**

**xxi**  
**december**

**.**

As much as Gray feels like everything has changed, the world goes on.

He’s not surprised when Joel pleads ‘not guilty,’ and at first, Gray thinks he’ll never be able to testify. But he has help and support, and when he’s finally there in the courtroom, he doesn’t even look at Joel.

Later that night, when he cries, it’s not with fear – it’s relief. Natsu holds him and kisses his forehead and they spend the night talking quietly about small, soft things that fill Gray with hope.

Winter comes, and with it, colorful lights and gifts and a light dusting of snow that melts as soon as it hits the ground. The house fills up with garlands and candy canes, and Sting bakes enough cookies to feed twelve people, never mind four.

It’s two weeks before Christmas, and Natsu and Gray are lying on their bed with their legs tangled together. Bella’s curled up against Gray’s stomach and he’s flipping aimlessly through his phone while Natsu reads a book behind him.

“I miss my mom,” Gray says suddenly. Natsu doesn’t reply, just sets his book down on the nightstand and waits. Gray sighs, tipping his head back into Natsu’s lap and looking at him upside-down. Natsu’s reading glasses make him look younger than he actually is.

“I haven’t talked to her in a long time,” Gray says after a while. He runs his fingers through Bella’s fur and chews on his lip. “They… Joel said they wouldn’t accept me. I thought he was protecting me, but…”

“Do you wanna call them?” Natsu asks, running his fingers through Gray’s hair.

Gray sighs, covering his face. “They don’t know,” he says.

“About what?”

“About… me. Gray.” He peeks up at Natsu. “They still think I’m Ellie.”

Natsu runs his finger over the scar on Gray’s forehead. “I talked to them once,” he says. Gray frowns at him. “I… it was maybe a year after you moved away. I thought maybe they’d heard from you.”

Gray shakes his head, tugging a pillow into Natsu’s lap and curling up to face him. “I sent them letters, for a while,” he said. “They didn’t write—fuck, they probably did, he just threw them out.”

A flash of fury runs through Gray and he digs his nails into his palms before closing his eyes and letting out a deep breath. Helen – his therapist – keeps telling him that mixed-up feelings are normal, that he’s going to feel anger and regret and guilt and all the other things that seem like they don’t make sense.

Lately, it’s just been anger. Anger at Joel for hurting him. Anger at himself, for being so blind. Sometimes even anger at Natsu, for not trying harder, even though Gray _knows_ that’s not fair.

He wishes that his emotions would have the decency to make sense at least _some_ of the time.

“I wanna go visit,” he says, picking at a loose thread in his jeans.

Natsu nods, leaning down and kissing Gray’s forehead. “Okay,” he says. “When do you wanna leave?”

 

* * *

 

Magnolia is exactly the same as Gray remembers it. It’s a surprisingly chilly day, and the light dusting of snow from the night before still clings to the railing of his parent’s porch. Nothing has changed – there’s still the chair that Gray used to spend his summers reading in, and the front mat that says _come as you are._

It’s kind of ironic, now that Gray thinks about it.

“Breathe.” Natsu reaches over from the driver’s seat and squeezes Gray’s hand. Gray exhales, closing his eyes and focusing on letting go of the stress and anxiety. “I’ll be just down the street if you need me.”

Gray nods. When he’d called his mom, she hadn’t recognized his voice, and he’d nearly hung up. Then she’d burst into tears, and all Gray had been able to say was, “I’m sorry, I miss you.”

Gray doesn’t even have to knock. As soon as he steps onto the porch, the door swings open, and his mom is there, arms open to pull him into a hug. He doesn’t realize how badly he’s shaking until Mika leans back and puts her hands on his cheeks.

“You…” A tiny frown creases Mika’s face, and panic bubbles in Gray’s chest because he knows that she’s looking for someone who isn’t there anymore. He tenses, but the furrowed brow turns into the smile that used to reassure him as a child, and it dissolves a bit of the fear. “I missed you so much,” she says, kissing Gray on the cheek.

“Where’s dad?” Gray asks as she leads him to the living room. He still feels like he can’t quite catch his breath.

“He’ll be home in a bit,” Mika says gently as she sits down on the couch next to him, never letting go of his hands. “I wanted to… I thought we should talk first.”

Gray sighs, staring down at their joined hands. “I… don’t really know where to start,” he admits. There are so many things he could say – _I’m sorry, I missed you, I’m a boy, I want a hug, I’m stupid, I—_

“I saw Natsu out in the car,” Mika says, interrupting the spiral. “Where’s Joel?”

Gray tenses. “Jail,” he says quietly.

Mika’s hands tighten around his, and her voice is soft as she asks, “what for?”

Gray stares at the carpet. Maybe this is easier – he doesn’t have to say _Joel hurt me,_ or _Joel almost killed me._ “Aggravated assault,” he says. He knows the charges by memory. “Sexual assault. A few other things.”

The sudden tension in the room is palpable, and Gray’s chest starts to tighten, but he knows how to handle this. _Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out._  

“Did he…” Gray flinches when Mika brushes his hair out of the way and traces her thumb over the scar on his forehead, then down to the fading marks on his throat. “Did he do this to you?”  

Gray can’t bring himself to nod – all he can think is, _it’s my fault, I didn’t leave, I wish I’d told you._

“Oh, honey,” Mika says, and her hands move slowly up Gray’s arms as she pulls him into a hug.

“I’m sorry,” Gray whispers, and his voice is thick with the tears he’s trying so hard to keep in. But his therapist keeps telling him that crying is healthy, that emotions need somewhere to go, so he lets himself press his forehead to his mom’s shoulder and cry. “I… I didn’t know, h-he said you wouldn’t—that y-you and dad, you wouldn’t understand, and I w-was stupid, I b-believed him and I—”

“Wouldn’t understand what?” Mika asks, holding Gray tight against her and running her fingers through his hair. Gray shakes his head – he can’t say it because then she might let go, might tell him to leave, and he needs her.

Mika sighs, pressing a kiss to Gray’s head. “You’ve never been happy as Ellie,” she says. “I could see it when you were little – the way you wanted to be just like Natsu.”

“Mom,” Gray whispers, pulling back and rubbing his face. “I…”

“You look so different,” Mika says. He doesn’t miss the glance to his chest that she tries to hide, or the way her thumb brushes across the stubble on his chin. He knew, coming here, that he wouldn’t be able to hide it, but he never expected her to understand. “You look… like yourself.”

Gray laughs, and the sound is weak and wet, but he manages to nod. “I… changed my name. It’s Gray, now.”

“Gray,” Mika says, tipping her head to the side as she contemplates it.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m so sorry I left – I wrote letters, but I think he… I don’t think they made it to you.” Mika shakes her head and Gray squeezes his eyes shut, making a frustrated sound. “I thought…”

“It’s not your fault,” Mika says gently, then shakes her head. “I wish I could slap that asshole.”

“Mom!” Gray has never heard his mom swear before, and it’s jarring.

Mika gives him a stern look. “He hurt my daught—” She stops herself, taking a deep breath. Gray can see the uncertainty in the lines of her face, but she smiles at him and says, “my son. She hurt my son.”

“Mom,” Gray says again, this time softer and unsure. “I…”

“It’ll take some time for… for your father to understand,” Mika says. “He never wanted to admit it when you were younger, but… I’m not surprised. Not really.”

And with that, all the uncertainty and tension and fear in Gray’s chest melts – not bit by bit but immediately, like a flood that washes over his entire body, starting from his hands that are joined with his mom’s.

“I love you,” he says, and watching his mom’s eyes light up at the words makes all the fear and anxiety of the past few days worth it.

“I love you too, Gray,” Mika says, reaching up and cupping his cheek. “Whoever you are, I’ll always love you. I’m just so, so happy you’re safe now.”

“I am,” Gray says, nodding into Mika’s hand. “I… yeah, I’m staying with Natsu, we’re at a friend’s place, and I…” He looks out the window as if expecting Natsu to still be there, sitting in his car and waiting for Gray.

“He’s always been good for you,” Mika says. “I’m glad you have him.”

Gray smiles as he thinks of Natsu’s smile, and a warm sensation sparks in his chest. “Yeah,” he says softly. “Me too.”


	23. belief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The holidays are stressful, but Gray's learning how to cope.

_love is a game we deserve to play out loud_

be·lief | \ bə-ˈlēf   
noun  
**:** a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing

**.**

**xxii  
december**

**.**

Some things get better, some things get worse, and some things stay the same.

Gray and Natsu are both still staying with Sting and Rogue, which is more comfortable than Gray expected it to be. He’d planned on going back with Natsu after Joel’s trial, but the idea of being alone in an apartment with someone – even if that someone is Natsu – is terrifying. Here, Gray’s never alone, and for now, that’s what he needs.

He tries to go back to work. Lucy cries with relief when she sees him, and when they hug, Gray suddenly realizes how much he’d missed her. It’s nice to spend time with her in the break room – even if they don’t talk about what happened – but the work is too much. There are too many loud noises and too many people accidentally touching him, and when Gray calls Natsu to pick him up halfway through the shift, he wants to cry.

Everyone tells him that it’s okay, that he’s healing and can take all the time he needs. They’re so patient with him that he wants to scream.

“I don’t understand,” he tells his therapist when he’s curled up on her couch with a cushion pressed to his chest. “I should… I feel like I should be happy that they’re so nice, but I just get angry.”

He’s angry so often that it scares him. Sometimes he screams into the pillow and cries until he falls asleep. Other times he digs his fingernails into his palms or bites the inside of his lip until it bleeds. More often than he’d like, he yells at people – snapping in frustration and then locking himself away when the guilt hits him like a wave.

Nobody ever yells back, and sometimes he wants them to.

“You’re pushing,” his therapist says. “You want to see how much it will take for them to snap and hurt you, because that’s what you’re used to.”

Gray’s cheeks burn with shame because she’s right. He should be thanking them, should be grateful, but instead he tests the waters.

Sometimes he doesn’t do the dishes when he says he will, but Rogue just does them instead, or gently asks Gray to help while he’s making supper. Other times he leaves his clothes on the floor, and instead of yelling, Natsu just piles them on his pillow and teases him about it when he tries to go to bed. One time, when Gray is making breakfast, he burns the toast on purpose, but Natsu eats it as if nothing’s wrong, even thanking Gray and kissing him on the forehead.

“You’re re-learning boundaries,” his therapist tells him. “It takes time.”

And everyone else is trying, so Gray does too. On good days he goes for walks with Natsu and Bella, or plays chess with Rogue, or helps Sting with shoveling and cleaning the garage and hanging the Christmas lights. It feels good to be useful – like he’s doing something right instead of wasting everyone’s efforts on him.

The holidays are chaotic and a bit overwhelming. Erza and Jellal visit for Hanukkah, and then Sting invites Lucy and the twins for Christmas dinner. Gray tries his best – he wants to be okay, wants to feel like everything is fine – but he ends up spending a lot of the time holed up in the guest room with Bella.

“You’re surviving,” Rogue says one afternoon. It’s the day after Christmas, and the two of them are sitting on the steps of the front porch, drinking hot chocolate while Sting and Natsu wrestle each other in the snow.

“Yeah,” Gray says quietly. He watches Natsu shove a handful of snow down the back of Sting’s shirt, laughing as Sting retaliates by pushing Natsu’s head into the snowbank. Bella barks at them, dancing around their battle and wagging her tail enthusiastically.

“You being here…” Rogue runs his finger around the rim of his mug. “It’s helping Sting.”

Gray frowns, looking over at Rogue. “Helping?”

“Mm.” Rogue’s knee bumps Gray’s. “He deals pretty well, but sometimes it gets to him – especially around the holidays. Having you here makes it a bit easier because he knows you understand. And I think that… for him, helping other people makes him feel like he’s in control of how he’s feeling, even just a little bit.”

“Oh.” The words wash over Gray, turning his cheeks pink and making something spark inside of him – something he hasn’t felt in a while. He’s pretty sure it’s pride.

Maybe he can do more than be a burden after all.

 

* * *

 

Gray kisses Natsu on New Year’s Eve.

It’s been a good day – Gray helped Rogue make waffles for breakfast, and then the four of them spent the day on the couch watching the ‘Doctor Who’ Christmas Special. Sting and Rogue left not long ago to watch the fireworks downtown, so Natsu and Gray are lying on the couch, facing each other while the countdown to the new year plays on the TV in the background.

There’s something about it that makes Gray feel hopeful.

“I feel like…” Gray hesitates. “It’s stupid because it’s so fucking arbitrary, like it’s just this _day,_ nothing special, but… I want it to be different?”

“That’s not stupid,” Natsu says, propping himself up on one elbow and studying Gray’s face. Over Natsu’s shoulder, Gray can see the announcer getting ready to count down the seconds until midnight.

_Maybe nothing will change,_ he thinks. _But maybe everything can._

“I want to be better,” he says, reaching out and playing with the strings on Natsu’s hoodie. “I’m sorry I’m angry all the time.”

“It’s okay,” Natsu says, ducking his head until Gray looks into his eyes. He’s grinning at Gray and has a little bit of icing from the cake they’d eaten earlier smeared on his bottom lip. He’s so close, and Gray reaches out, swiping his thumb over Natsu’s it.

“You… had s-some—”

Gray’s stammering is cut short by the countdown that starts on the TV. He sees it from the corner of his eye – thousands of people crowded outside in mittens and toques, dusted with snow, taking a breath in anticipation of something new.

“…three …two … one – Happy New Year!”

Gray’s hand is still on Natsu’s cheek, and it seems perfectly natural to lean in and kiss him.

Natsu melts against Gray’s lips and it feels just like they did when they were sixteen, sitting at the lake under the stars, tiny fireworks exploding in Gray’s chest. Gray slides his fingers up into Natsu’s hair, pulling him closer until they’re touching everywhere – chest, thighs, knees, ankles. Natsu makes a quiet sound that’s almost pleading as he runs his hand down Gray’s arm, and Gray tips his head, breathing Natsu in as he kisses him harder, running his tongue along Natsu’s bottom lip.

Then Natsu’s hand moves to Gray’s hip and suddenly he’s pinned to the bed, hands tugging at his jeans, heart pounding and feeling like he’s going to die. His fingers tighten in Natsu’s hair as he flinches, pulling away from the kiss and wrapping his other arm around himself.

“Shit, Gray, I’m so sorry,” Natsu says, immediately moving his hand away and pushing himself up until he’s sitting. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t ha—”

“Fuck,” Gray whispers, pulling away from Natsu and pushing himself back into the corner of the couch where he can pull his legs up against his chest and hide his burning cheeks. The panic is quickly boiling into an overwhelming mix of frustration and embarrassment that makes Gray feel sick.

Natsu isn’t Joel. Natsu is sweet and kind and so fucking patient, and he deserves better than the broken pieces Gray has to offer.

“Gray, look at me.” Natsu’s whispered plea breaks through the racing thoughts and Gray shakes his head, keeping his face buried in his arms. “I’m so sorry, I—”

“No, I…” Gray’s crying again and he can’t fucking stop. “That was st-stupid, I’m—I didn’t—” His chest is tight and he can’t quite breathe; mind stuck between being pinned against the wall and behind held gently in Natsu’s arms. “I… I…”

“Gray, take a deep breath with me, okay?” Natsu’s hands move to rest lightly over Gray’s and he tenses but doesn’t push Natsu away. “It’s okay. Nobody’s angr—”

“I’m angry!” Gray shouts, pushing Natsu’s hands away and rubbing his face. “I hate this, I hate myself, I c-can’t—it’s never going to be better and I’m so fucking sick of, of…”

He runs out of breath and inhales shakily, expecting Natsu to interrupt him – to disagree, to comfort, to tell him he’s wrong and everything will be okay. But Natsu doesn’t say anything. He just sits across from Gray with his hand out between them, letting Gray decide what he wants.

“I’m sorry,” Gray whispers as the anger dissipates again. The hot flush has moved from his cheeks down to the back of his neck and across his chest.  

“Gray,” Natsu says gently. “Don’t be sorry. Please don’t be sorry.” Gray rubs his eyes with the heels of his palms and curls up tighter against himself. “I don’t want you to think that I didn’t want it.”

Gray peeks up at Natsu, and the familiar smile on Natsu’s face melts a bit of the frustration. “You…”

Natsu reaches out his hand again, and this time Gray takes it. “I’m…” Natsu hesitates, licking his lips. “God, I’m trying so hard to do the rights things and say the right things, and I just—I never want you to feel like you _have_ to do anything with me.” He stares down at their joined hands. “I don’t know if it’s… right? Or if I should tell you these things, but I want to be honest, okay?”

Gray nods, squeezing Natsu’s hand tightly.

“I love you, Gray.” Natsu looks up at him, eyes wet with tears. “I have for a long, long time and I never stopped. And I want to be here for you in whatever way you need, okay?” Gray gives him a tiny nod. “But… I do want to kiss you. I want—god, I want that, I want to be with you, but I don’t want to push you, and… I don’t think you’re ready.”

Gray reaches out and wipes away the tears that are spilling from Natsu’s eyes, trying to push down the guilt in his chest that says, _you did this, you made him cry._

“I’m not ready,” Gray says softly. “I… I want to, w-want you, but I…”

“That’s okay,” Natsu says, shifting a bit closer, body open like a question until Gray gives him an answer and curls up under his arm. “It’s only been a month, and… Gray, what he did to you was horrible. Not just…” He stumbles a bit over the words, and Gray can see the uncertainty on his face.

“I know,” Gray says. He’s starting to know, anyway.

Natsu sighs, pulling Gray close and kissing the top of his head. “He hurt you—abused you—for a really long time, and that doesn’t mean that you’re… broken, or anything stupid like that. But you need time to heal. And I’m gonna be here for that, for as much or as little as you want.”

Gray nods, and they lapse into a comfortable silence. There’s a jingling sound and then Bella hops up onto the couch beside Gray, worming her way under his arm and resting her head on his lap.

“When…” Gray strokes the soft fur over Bella’s nose as he tries to figure out what he wants to say. “Later, when… things are better. Do you want…”

“Yeah,” Natsu says, and there’s a tiny explosion in Gray’s chest – relief and joy and fear and a hundred other things that he’s learning to name. “When you’re ready, yeah, I do.”


	24. faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray and Natsu get a second chance at love.

_i just wanna know if you’ll let me be your world_

faith \ ˈfāth  
noun  
**:** firm belief in something for which there is no proof

**.**

**xxiii**   
**two and a half years later**   
**.**

“I think that’s the last of the boxes.”

Natsu stands in the front door of the house, wiping sweat from his forehead and yawning. He’s wearing a tank top, which gives Gray an excellent view of his biceps and the tattoos that curl around them.

“For now,” Gray says, handing Natsu a water bottle. Natsu chugs the whole thing gratefully, then tosses it into their makeshift garbage box next to the door. “Sting and Rogue are gonna be here in an hour with the truck and all the furniture.”

Natsu groans dramatically, nudging a box of Gray’s engineering textbooks out of the way and reaching out to pull Gray close.

“’s too much work,” he mumbles, pressing his lips against Gray’s collarbone. “Let’s just make out instead.”

Gray laughs, bringing his hands up to Natsu’s hair, then making a face and pulling away when his hands get slick with sweat. “You’re gross,” he says, playfully pushing Natsu away from him.

 _“You’re_ gross,” Natsu says petulantly, keeping his hands around Gray’s waist and kissing his neck. “Wanna come shower with me?”

“We’re just gonna get sweaty again,” Gray protests, but it’s half-hearted.

“Well, yeah,” Natsu says, grinning at him. “That’s the idea.” He glances up the stairs toward the bedroom where the mattress is lying on the floor, waiting for the bedframe. “C’mon, an hour is plenty of time.” Natsu punctuates his words by pinching Gray’s ass, and Gray pretends to look offended, batting Natsu’s hand away.

“I guess I could be persuaded,” Gray says, slipping out of Natsu’s grasp and heading for the stairs.

Natsu grumbles about the shower being too cold, but Gray just rolls his eyes, tipping Natsu’s head forward into the water and rinsing out the dirt and sweat. When Gray starts to lather up the shampoo in Natsu’s hair, dragging his nails along Natsu’s scalp, Natsu hums happily and wraps his arms around Gray’s waist.

“There,” Gray says, rinsing out the shampoo and tipping Natsu’s chin up. “Now you’re presentable.”

“I’m never presentable,” Natsu argues, shaking out his head like Bella does after they’ve been out in the rain. Gray splutters and swats at him, but Natsu pulls him close, kissing him before he can argue.

Gray sighs, leaning back against the wall of the shower as Natsu’s hands run up and down his sides, then around to grab his ass. Natsu’s hard and pressing up against Gray’s thigh, but it doesn’t terrify him anymore.

“Okay?” Natsu asks, pulling back long enough to get a nod from Gray. They’ve been together almost a year, now, and it’s been beautiful and terrifying and entirely worth it. It had taken Gray a lot longer than he’d expected, but last summer he’d kissed Natsu under the summer fireworks – this time ready, and for real.

Gray tips his head back, letting out a soft, contented sigh as Natsu slowly drops to his knees, kissing a path down Gray’s chest. His hands are gentle, running up Gray’s thighs and drawing circles over his hips with calloused thumbs.

“Natsu,” Gray whispers, running his fingers through Natsu’s damp hair as Natsu kisses under his navel, then the inside of his thigh. “Please.”

Natsu looks up at him, hair plastered to his face and water dripping down his chest, and his face is filled with such open adoration that it takes Gray’s breath away.

Then Natsu tips his head back down and runs his tongue over Gray’s clit, and Gray’s breathless for an entirely different reason.

Natsu nudges Gray’s knees further apart, bringing one hand down and drawing his fingers softly, feather-light, between Gray’s legs. Gray makes an undignified sound, trying to shift so Natsu will keep touching him, and is rewarded by Natsu slipping two fingers inside of him.

“Fuck,” Gray whispers, tightening his grip on Natsu’s hair as Natsu sucks on his clit, humming around Gray as he works his fingers in and out.

This is new – or, new again, Gray supposes. It feels different than when they were younger, fooling around in the car or under the blankets by the lake. There’s a sacredness to it now, in the way that Natsu touches Gray, in the patterns his fingertips trace over Gray’s scars, in the way that they kiss.

Natsu adds another finger, tongue working in circles around Gray’s clit, and Gray gasps, shifting his hips forward and tugging gently on Natsu’s hair. Natsu’s other hand drops from Gray’s hip, and when he moans, Gray knows he’s touching himself too.

Gray can feel his legs trembling as Natsu presses deeper, sucks harder, gives Gray all of him. He knows Gray so well, has spent so many afternoons tracing the curve of Gray’s hips or the soft spot on his throat, whispering promises against Gray’s skin that Gray is finally learning to trust.

“N-na—ahh, f-fuck—” Gray’s voice wavers as Natsu shudders against him, hand stroking his cock in time with the thrust of his fingers into Gray. Water drips down his chest, draws patterns over his abs, slicks the back of his hands as he thrusts up into his fist.

Then he opens his eyes and stares up at Gray, bright and eager and wanting, and Gray lets himself fall apart.

 

* * *

 

“We should really get dressed.”

Natsu rolls his eyes at Gray’s statement, and throws his leg across Gray’s thighs, pinning him to the mattress. “Nope. You’re stuck now.”

Gray pokes Natsu in the side and Natsu grumbles at him, then relocates until he’s entirely on top of Gray, spread out like a starfish. A damp, heavy starfish.

“You’re squishing me,” Gray protests, and Natsu grins. “Sting and Rogue are gonna show up in like… three minutes, and I’d rather not traumatize them in our new house.”

Natsu laughs, shifting until they’re curled up facing each other, with his knee tucked between Gray’s legs. Gray loves these moments – intimacy without sex. It took a long time to get used to the idea, but Natsu is infinitely patient.

A silence hangs between them as Natsu studies Gray’s face. He’s still smiling, but something about his gaze is more intent.

“What?” Gray asks, suddenly shy. Natsu shakes his head, brushing Gray’s hair out of his face and leaning in to kiss the scar on Gray’s forehead.

“You make me so happy,” Natsu says softly, combing out the damp tangles of Gray’s hair. Gray can feel his cheeks turning pink, but he refuses to look away – he loves Natsu’s smile, the crinkle at the corner of his eyes, the freckles across his nose. “I’m really, really proud of you.”

Two years ago, Gray would have shaken his head, refused the praise, tried to hide from the kindness. But now… well, he’s not ‘okay,’ because Sting’s right, that isn’t really a thing. He’s surviving, though, and thriving, and letting himself be loved.

“Thanks,” he says, pressing his forehead to Natsu’s. “I’m proud of me, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, I promised a happy ending! 
> 
> Doing this all over the course of Pride month has been a challenge, but a rewarding one. I hope it's been enjoyable for you to read! Let me know what you thought! 
> 
> <3


End file.
